So, in pursuit of punching up this blog and making things interesting (you know I do it all for you, internets) I decided to check out some online dating sites. I perused a bit and decided that I have no interest in baptist singles dot com, Match dot com or the local hook up site because they seem a bit seedy (sorry baptists, just keeping it real here). Of the horrid online dating sites at least eHarmony puts all kinds of time and effort into their marketing to make themselves appear a bit more genuine. I have already taken the eHarmony million question quiz, a long time ago, when I had literally run out of other internet quizzes to take, and they had REJECTED me. Bastards. Too bad they are the only online dating site that appears even remotely above board.
Aside from a desire for blog fodder I'm bored; and boring, as stated in this post below (have you left your nice thing yet?). Not only am I going to give the dating thing a go but I am also trying to not post about work as much; I need content, and what better way to speed things up than with the veritable smorgasbord of love that e-dating supposedly provides?
Lo and behold when I answered the slew of totally indeterminate personal questions this time around eHarmony somehow deemed me acceptable. I have taken a slew of personality tests for jobs lately and perhaps I was in the mindset to make things work. I love answering questions like "Have you ever shown up to work high on crack cocaine?" (This was indeed a real question on a real job application) because it gives me fodder to think about for days. First, who the hell would answer this with a positive? Second, why just crack cocaine? Is heroine okay? Should I write that one time I freebased meth right before my shift? Is it only the crack cocaine you are worried about or is cool if I bring in some of those amazonian tree frogs in to lick during my breaks? Sure, I take hits of LSD daily, but I never touch crack, that shit is just whack.
The eHarmony test is pretty much the same as the personality profiling tests that they now administer for every job in the Northern Hemisphere: I don't hear voices that aren't there. I don't think about suicide on a daily basis. I don't cut myself, have any sexual obsessions (save a young Robert Redford, but really, can that be called obsession?) and even as craptastic as my life is I am still pretty grateful to have it. I don't know if I was just in my test taking groove and that is why I passed the eHarmony slew of nonsensical questions this time and failed it before, but I passed, and that is all that matters.
Within a matter of moments eHarmony had given me five potential matches! Five! I quickly read their profiles and the generic answers they gave to the generic questions and then went on to more important business, being that my lunch hour had ended. By today eHarmony had flooded my email inbox with twelve new potential soul mates and several of them have even indicated an interest in meeting me, even though I have posted no picture. Being the good sport that I am I logged in again and filled out answers to the silly questions that were posed to me by the gentlemen that showed interest and hit submit. Small problem, I forgot that you have to pay for this crap.
I'm sorry, pay? I do not understand. This is virtually a Myspace knockoff that just asks a great deal more questions that can easily be lied about. The only thing differentiating eHarmony from the Craigslist random hook up page is that you have to suffer through three or four dates before you can ask the person to video tape you making love to a bologna sandwich. Why on earth would I pay for this? To make things even more ridiculous I looked at the price list. Go google it and come back to me.
It's cool, I'll wait.
Yikes! Sixty bucks for one month!?! The hell! If I sign up for a full year the price drops to roughly twenty bucks a month, or $250.00 a year. Let me reiterate: You. Must. Be. Freaking. Kidding. Me. I could use that twenty a month and go sit in a bar alone. I would likely wind up with the same quality of dates, if not a much larger quantity, and my hard earned money would be spent on something useful, such as vodka tonics, as opposed to a stupid dating site. My one twenty dollar splurge a month is Netflix and with that I know exactly what I am getting and when I am getting it. Could eHarmony, with all their in depth personality probing quizzes, even come close to the same guarantee from Netflix? I think not. I can't afford the name brand top ramen much less a stupid dating site. Pay to have creeps I don't know take me to secluded places alone? Great! Let me give you my account number so you can direct debit the money!
I'm tempted to doll myself up, find some cardboard and a black marker, and stand on the corner of an intersection holding a sign that says "eHarmony is way too expensive-email me!" smiling during rush hour. Why the hell not? It is damn close to the same thing, it doesn't cost a dime, and it would get me out of the house. I think this is brilliant. So long as I don't do it in the part of town frequented by prostitutes I think I'll be fine.
It is too bad that I'll never get to know Kevin, the 27 year old *attorney* (bullshit) who values romance and emotional intimacy above everything, or Larry, the 30 something who couldn't spell the word "financial" correctly in his profile to describe his career. This is the sort of site that would probably profit well from learning what nightclubs have known for years: Guys pay, women get in free. I'm not saying it is a fair world, or that I wouldn't like it to be, I am just saying that as long as I make far less money than guys do then I'm not paying to meet up with a bunch of those that couldn't get dates in real life.
I really do want to start dating and sharing my stories with the internet, I just think I am going to have to do it the old fashioned way; wait for someone to ask me out in person.
If you need me I will be at the gym pretending I don't know how to use the weights, dressed in a skirt at the local farmer's market, eating lunch alone with perfume on and getting myself a drink after work at any number of local bars. I'll be holding an unlit cigarette while leaning against a piano, standing next to my car on the side of the road with my hood popped open, struggling with some heavy objects on a set of stairs and pretending to be lost in the automotive parts section of a store. I'll be in heels at Home Depot, fishnets at a sports bar and standing next to a roulette table wearing a very low cut gown. Hmmmm. Maybe the eHarmony thing isn't so bad after all. Do you suppose I could find someone to pay the monthly fee for me?