Wednesday, July 18, 2007

eHighwayrobbery.com

So, in pursuit of punching up this blog and making things interesting (you know I do it all for you, internets) I decided to check out some online dating sites. I perused a bit and decided that I have no interest in baptist singles dot com, Match dot com or the local hook up site because they seem a bit seedy (sorry baptists, just keeping it real here). Of the horrid online dating sites at least eHarmony puts all kinds of time and effort into their marketing to make themselves appear a bit more genuine. I have already taken the eHarmony million question quiz, a long time ago, when I had literally run out of other internet quizzes to take, and they had REJECTED me. Bastards. Too bad they are the only online dating site that appears even remotely above board.

Aside from a desire for blog fodder I'm bored; and boring, as stated in this post below (have you left your nice thing yet?). Not only am I going to give the dating thing a go but I am also trying to not post about work as much; I need content, and what better way to speed things up than with the veritable smorgasbord of love that e-dating supposedly provides?

Lo and behold when I answered the slew of totally indeterminate personal questions this time around eHarmony somehow deemed me acceptable. I have taken a slew of personality tests for jobs lately and perhaps I was in the mindset to make things work. I love answering questions like "Have you ever shown up to work high on crack cocaine?" (This was indeed a real question on a real job application) because it gives me fodder to think about for days. First, who the hell would answer this with a positive? Second, why just crack cocaine? Is heroine okay? Should I write that one time I freebased meth right before my shift? Is it only the crack cocaine you are worried about or is cool if I bring in some of those amazonian tree frogs in to lick during my breaks? Sure, I take hits of LSD daily, but I never touch crack, that shit is just whack.

The eHarmony test is pretty much the same as the personality profiling tests that they now administer for every job in the Northern Hemisphere: I don't hear voices that aren't there. I don't think about suicide on a daily basis. I don't cut myself, have any sexual obsessions (save a young Robert Redford, but really, can that be called obsession?) and even as craptastic as my life is I am still pretty grateful to have it. I don't know if I was just in my test taking groove and that is why I passed the eHarmony slew of nonsensical questions this time and failed it before, but I passed, and that is all that matters.

Within a matter of moments eHarmony had given me five potential matches! Five! I quickly read their profiles and the generic answers they gave to the generic questions and then went on to more important business, being that my lunch hour had ended. By today eHarmony had flooded my email inbox with twelve new potential soul mates and several of them have even indicated an interest in meeting me, even though I have posted no picture. Being the good sport that I am I logged in again and filled out answers to the silly questions that were posed to me by the gentlemen that showed interest and hit submit. Small problem, I forgot that you have to pay for this crap.

I'm sorry, pay? I do not understand. This is virtually a Myspace knockoff that just asks a great deal more questions that can easily be lied about. The only thing differentiating eHarmony from the Craigslist random hook up page is that you have to suffer through three or four dates before you can ask the person to video tape you making love to a bologna sandwich. Why on earth would I pay for this? To make things even more ridiculous I looked at the price list. Go google it and come back to me.

It's cool, I'll wait.

Yikes! Sixty bucks for one month!?! The hell! If I sign up for a full year the price drops to roughly twenty bucks a month, or $250.00 a year. Let me reiterate: You. Must. Be. Freaking. Kidding. Me. I could use that twenty a month and go sit in a bar alone. I would likely wind up with the same quality of dates, if not a much larger quantity, and my hard earned money would be spent on something useful, such as vodka tonics, as opposed to a stupid dating site. My one twenty dollar splurge a month is Netflix and with that I know exactly what I am getting and when I am getting it. Could eHarmony, with all their in depth personality probing quizzes, even come close to the same guarantee from Netflix? I think not. I can't afford the name brand top ramen much less a stupid dating site. Pay to have creeps I don't know take me to secluded places alone? Great! Let me give you my account number so you can direct debit the money!

I'm tempted to doll myself up, find some cardboard and a black marker, and stand on the corner of an intersection holding a sign that says "eHarmony is way too expensive-email me!" smiling during rush hour. Why the hell not? It is damn close to the same thing, it doesn't cost a dime, and it would get me out of the house. I think this is brilliant. So long as I don't do it in the part of town frequented by prostitutes I think I'll be fine.

It is too bad that I'll never get to know Kevin, the 27 year old *attorney* (bullshit) who values romance and emotional intimacy above everything, or Larry, the 30 something who couldn't spell the word "financial" correctly in his profile to describe his career. This is the sort of site that would probably profit well from learning what nightclubs have known for years: Guys pay, women get in free. I'm not saying it is a fair world, or that I wouldn't like it to be, I am just saying that as long as I make far less money than guys do then I'm not paying to meet up with a bunch of those that couldn't get dates in real life.

I really do want to start dating and sharing my stories with the internet, I just think I am going to have to do it the old fashioned way; wait for someone to ask me out in person.

If you need me I will be at the gym pretending I don't know how to use the weights, dressed in a skirt at the local farmer's market, eating lunch alone with perfume on and getting myself a drink after work at any number of local bars. I'll be holding an unlit cigarette while leaning against a piano, standing next to my car on the side of the road with my hood popped open, struggling with some heavy objects on a set of stairs and pretending to be lost in the automotive parts section of a store. I'll be in heels at Home Depot, fishnets at a sports bar and standing next to a roulette table wearing a very low cut gown. Hmmmm. Maybe the eHarmony thing isn't so bad after all. Do you suppose I could find someone to pay the monthly fee for me?

10 comments:

Andy said...

Ha ha ha ha!

My mom made me sign up for eHarmony one month... which she paid for. It was horrible and I met NO ONE. All of the women that were there were desperate, bored, highly overweight (sorry people), lazy, and very very religious. And I'm, well, not any of those things. Mom's $60 well wasted. Thanks mom.

I like the street sign idea.

sallyacious said...

I'm tempted to doll myself up, find some cardboard and a black marker, and stand on the corner of an intersection holding a sign that says "eHarmony is way too expensive-email me!" smiling during rush hour.

That sounds like a comedy sketch just waiting to happen. Can you imagine what Kids in the Hall or SNL (the good years) would have done with that?

You're right with the "guys pay and women get in free" thing. It's a fairly effective tactic. Though eHarmony seems to be doing well financially, so perhaps their "everybody pays through the nose" model is working.

Eris said...

Andy: I am neither desperate (well, not for a man anyway, a job yes), bored (damnit, I am bored) lazy (SO NOT LAZY), fat (I've even lost weight since you last saw me) or hyper religious (though I do sacrifice the occasional goat, but doesn't everyone?) so I think I would be an anomoly. $60.00 bucks dude, that sucks. You could have gotten so much more out of it.

Sallyacious: I'm damn tempted to do it too, and make a friend take pictures.

Maya said...

Make sure when you're standing next to the car with the hood open, you're wearing very. high. heels.

Heh. Have you seen my clients' fake eHarmony commerical? Go to YouTube and put in "Johnna and Ryan eHarmony"

Friggin priceless.

Andy said...

I would sooooo take photos of you with that sign. Just picturing it gives me a bit of a stitch in the side as I attempt not to burst from laughter.

(to be chanted like a high school jock group:)
Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!

So@24 said...

"eating lunch alone wearing perfume"

Smells like Nothing? Smells like perfume! Sweet irony!

The CEO said...

I'm so glad I'm married. Even when we're fighting.

Eris said...

I got another seven matches today, which is weird, because I read the online reviews for the site and people mention that you rarely get any matches at all. Perhaps they are trying to entice me into paying? Hah! I don't care if my soul mate is slipping through my fingers because I won't cough up half my rent to meet him.

Meaghan C. said...

My friend tried eHarmony for a short time, and blecchhh. They don't actually match according to compatibility, they match according to what you're willing to put up with. If you say money isn't important, you will get all the financial idiots. If you say looks aren't important, you will get the people with three eyes and a rash. If you say faith isn't important, you will get all the sidelined guys who didn't realize that eHarmony is a faith-based organization.

Not only do they discriminate based on religious orientation, but they also reject gay people because their lifestyle is "relationally transient."

Nice organization.

You pump $60 bucks into that, and I will get on a plane to come kick your ass.

Eris said...

Meg: from what I've now seen online that total compatibility thing is total bull, like you say. They apparently just match all willy nilly. Also, apparently the reason I am now getting, on average, three matches an HOUR is because I am one of the only younger females in my area. They don't care that I haven't paid or posted a picture, they are just desperate to show all the males in my area that females exist. Nonsense. Utter nonsense. I can find a satan worshipping three eyed guy with a rash on my own!