Okay people. I need to not think about, write about or talk about work. I have already worked 25 hours this week and it isn't even midweek yet. So FINE. Fine then I will tell the internets all about my stupid hang ups when it comes to my love life. Keep in mind that I've dated and had several long term relationships. My last serious relationship was with a doctor and lasted over two years. He was a bastard, but still. In the last month I've turned down an actor, an attorney and a member of the gang task force down for dates (there was something very wrong with each of them but still! dates! oh! and there was that doctor that asked me out too but he works with the doctor I broke up with so it would have been weird) (what, I'm cute okay? even with some extra weight). Just keep my normalness and ability to have reasonable relationships in mind when you read the following.
I'm just all a flutter and retarded today because the gentleman I have been in love with since I was, oh, 18, wrote me a charming and adorable email in which he says "I love you" right at the beginning. Granted, it is promptly followed by "young lady" so it takes the edge right off but I'm still uflutter; I can't help it.
I wish I could help it. I have tried, unsuccessfully, for literally years to stop liking him so damn much. To not have the saliva drain out of my mouth and my legs give way whenever I saw him walking. I even tried to focus on his bad characteristics, and there are many, but to no avail. Hell, I even stopped talking with him for over a year.
But the charm.
And the wit.
And the three piece suits.
And the expensive cologne.
And the thoughtful gifts he has given me. The ways he has helped me. The nice things he does.
I'm clearly not over this.
Nothing would ever, ever happen. I guarantee it. Even if he were interested, which I cannot confirm nor deny that he ever has been, it would absolutely be out of the question. As much in love as I am with this person there is no way, ever, not at all, that I would attempt any kind of relationship.
He is married.
He has been married for longer than I have been alive.
His kids are older than me.
His kids' kids are half my age.
Want to know what makes me even weirder?
He is in his early 60s.
Yeah, um. I obviously have issues.
I date. Not successfully, per se, but I do. I've dated talented, successful, fucked up, selfish, handsome, worthlesscocksuckingpricks and had several long term relationships. It doesn't matter. It always goes back to him.
I just don't understand. Even if he were single and 20 or 30 years younger I doubt if he'd be the right person for me. He has a weakness of character that drives me insane. I am certain that I have just idealized him into some unreachable podium perched persona. Part of the appeal may be that I never get to actually date him therefore there is no risk of a failed relationship; no reality of making interaction between two separate entities work. So if this were true and I knew it why can't I make it go away? Why does an email do more for me than a dozen romantic dinners?
Technically he is a dear friend and nothing more and I would never truly want it to be anymore, so...
Why do I get goosebumps when he writes me bigger than any I've ever gotten from any other guy?
Why do I hold him as the male prototype to live up to in the back of my mind?
Why am I a quarter of a century old and still acting like a lovestruck teeney bopper?
And when will it ever go away?
Why can't I stop being in love with him and move on?
What is wrong with me?
And why do I keep flipping back and forth between this post and his email and swoon?
I'm an adult now. I have been for years. Would someone please tell this stupid, irrational, insane love to GO AWAY since it won't listen to me?
*tee* he says he loves me.