Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Just another person struck by impossible, probably not unrequited, geriatric love.

Okay people. I need to not think about, write about or talk about work. I have already worked 25 hours this week and it isn't even midweek yet. So FINE. Fine then I will tell the internets all about my stupid hang ups when it comes to my love life. Keep in mind that I've dated and had several long term relationships. My last serious relationship was with a doctor and lasted over two years. He was a bastard, but still. In the last month I've turned down an actor, an attorney and a member of the gang task force down for dates (there was something very wrong with each of them but still! dates! oh! and there was that doctor that asked me out too but he works with the doctor I broke up with so it would have been weird) (what, I'm cute okay? even with some extra weight). Just keep my normalness and ability to have reasonable relationships in mind when you read the following.

I'm just all a flutter and retarded today because the gentleman I have been in love with since I was, oh, 18, wrote me a charming and adorable email in which he says "I love you" right at the beginning. Granted, it is promptly followed by "young lady" so it takes the edge right off but I'm still uflutter; I can't help it.

I wish I could help it. I have tried, unsuccessfully, for literally years to stop liking him so damn much. To not have the saliva drain out of my mouth and my legs give way whenever I saw him walking. I even tried to focus on his bad characteristics, and there are many, but to no avail. Hell, I even stopped talking with him for over a year.

But the charm.

And the wit.

And the three piece suits.

And the expensive cologne.

And the thoughtful gifts he has given me. The ways he has helped me. The nice things he does.


I'm clearly not over this.

Nothing would ever, ever happen. I guarantee it. Even if he were interested, which I cannot confirm nor deny that he ever has been, it would absolutely be out of the question. As much in love as I am with this person there is no way, ever, not at all, that I would attempt any kind of relationship.

He is married.

He has been married for longer than I have been alive.

His kids are older than me.

His kids' kids are half my age.

Want to know what makes me even weirder?

He is in his early 60s.

Yeah, um. I obviously have issues.

Huge issues.

I date. Not successfully, per se, but I do. I've dated talented, successful, fucked up, selfish, handsome, worthlesscocksuckingpricks and had several long term relationships. It doesn't matter. It always goes back to him.

I just don't understand. Even if he were single and 20 or 30 years younger I doubt if he'd be the right person for me. He has a weakness of character that drives me insane. I am certain that I have just idealized him into some unreachable podium perched persona. Part of the appeal may be that I never get to actually date him therefore there is no risk of a failed relationship; no reality of making interaction between two separate entities work. So if this were true and I knew it why can't I make it go away? Why does an email do more for me than a dozen romantic dinners?

Technically he is a dear friend and nothing more and I would never truly want it to be anymore, so...

Why do I get goosebumps when he writes me bigger than any I've ever gotten from any other guy?

Why do I hold him as the male prototype to live up to in the back of my mind?

Why am I a quarter of a century old and still acting like a lovestruck teeney bopper?

And when will it ever go away?

Why can't I stop being in love with him and move on?

What is wrong with me?

And why do I keep flipping back and forth between this post and his email and swoon?




I'm an adult now. I have been for years. Would someone please tell this stupid, irrational, insane love to GO AWAY since it won't listen to me?

*tee* he says he loves me.



sallyacious said...

I don't think we can help who we love. We can control how we act on that love, and we can choose whether or not to involve ourselves based on how healthy the relationship is/might be, but we can't control who we have feelings for.

That said, unrequited love/an impossible passion is a great excuse for avoiding other commitments. That may be one reason you're holding onto these feelings. Or it might not be. I have no idea. You're the only person who'd know the truth of it.

I would, however, like to point out that one date doesn't demand/imply commitment. If you're lonely and work is hard and you need to escape from your problems for a while, go out with someone when they ask. You're not promising anything long-term.

Speaking as one who knows, actors make great drinking buddies.

Maya said...

Agreed with Sallyacious - the heart is the great unknown. Who knows why or how you can fall in love with someone who a) doesn't know you exist b) doesn't show the faintest glimmer of romantic interest in you? And STAY in love with them for many, many years, without the faintest reason why (and indeed, with many reasons why NOT to be)?

Certainly not me. I will say this: You might want to consider the concept of surrender, of saying yes to dating a few people, even when you don't see yourself with them for any amount of time. Casual dating is just promises, no expectations. It doesn't mean you aren't allowed to get the flutters when The Professor (that's what I've named him) sends you an email or calls or whatever.

PS I always used to say I had the biggest crush on one of our old clients - at least 40 years ahead of me. It was the eyes.

Andy said...

This post is far different from any other you've ever made. I'm a bit awestruck seeing as how I know only some of your love life.

Though I've never experienced anything exactly like that (an older someone, married, with grandkids) I have experienced something a little similar as far as being in love with someone whom I would never be with, even if they were interested.

And I very much understand the mass of failed relationships. I've had so many and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I've got an idea: since I'll probably die alone why don't you rent the bed next to mine in the old folks home. At least we'll have good conversations and jokes before I croak.

Anonymous said...

one of my best friends is 34 and her boyfriend/love of her life is 61. You can't help who you fall in love with. Seriously, he's the best guy she's ever dated & I've never seen her sooo happy.

Also, you crack my shee-ite up.

sallyacious said...

You know what, I'm just a big old bossypants. From here on out, please delete every comment I make. I need to learn to shut the fuck up.

Killer said...


Did that help?

Anonymous said...

Can I just amend my comment to say: I forgot that he is married. Oops.

Go out on these dates, sister. HELLO great blog fodder and free food.

Isabel said...

No matter what...this guy is married. So the book is closed.

Does he has a single son you could date??!! ;-)

I know all about "unrequited love/an impossible passion is a great excuse for avoiding other commitments". I think we like that which we can't have because it's safe. (It's like me and my Rhett Miller obsession.)

As long as we know we can't have that person...then it's okay.

So go on some dates. Even if the guys are dorks..they might have cute friends that you could be introduced to.