They tore the tarp apart that I used to cover my storage boxes.
They dumped leaves and pine needles and bits of feathers everywhere.
They crapped and crapped and crapped massive piles of bird shit on every available surface.
They knocked over my deck chair and crapped on that too.
They went too far.
I put out mouse traps. Everywhere.
The first day after I put out the traps and came home, several of the traps had been set off and were broken. I reset them if I could, put them back up, and went inside to drink heavy liquor and hide. The pigeons have given me the shakes. I've never been a brandy or whiskey drinker but a few more days of this and I imagine I'd be downing snifters of the stuff without need for a glass.
Four days since the resetting of the traps I haven't seen any signs of them. The traps are still set. The balcony is still trashed. But there isn't any extra trashing of late. I didn't like putting out snappy traps for the bastards, but I tried everything else and I don't want to die from pigeon disease. They can have the balcony when I move out, in a mere matter of weeks now, but until then they need to not use my space as a toilet.
Every time I hear a noise now, a printer starting at work, the upstairs neighbor showering, I jump up and think I need to go scare the pigeons off. I have damn pigeon PTSD. I have nightmares that they are going to smash through the sliding glass door and peck my eyes out. I'm afraid to walk outside.
Oh, and I've lost just about 10 pounds in 7ish weeks. BAH. I mean, YaY weight loss, not so yay on very slow going. But progress is progress, and I've got that.
Showing posts with label Weight Loss Update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Weight Loss Update. Show all posts
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Saturday, April 25, 2009
I’m a total sucker for airplane food*
Which may be the key to explaining my current contentment.
I’m not doing the environmentally correct thing; and I hate to admit this because I am the person who hates shampoo bottles and thinks we should be allowed to keep one and refill it direct from vats at the store to cut down on plastic waste, but I’ve been buying precut veggies and salads in non-reusable plastic bags and plastic containers and it feels GREAT.
Part of maintaining this current go at healthy eating has been the wonderful ease of buying pre-packaged salads and veggies. My brain associates cutting yummy, fresh, healthy veggies up and partitioning them into reusable plastic bins with depravation and misery. My brain hates taking care of me. It would rather eat half a stale bag of potato chips of questionable origin than make tuna for a sandwich. It would rather dig for 45 minutes though every kitchen bin imaginable for a few errant tootsie roll minis than whip up some whole wheat pasta. My brain: Functional Retardation at its finest (surprised we made it this far, actually).
I keep fresh fruit at my work desk, apples and oranges mostly, along with whole natural almonds and yogurts in the work fridge. I swing by the store on my way in and grab one or two of those veggies that steam in the bag (which I eat raw) and a premade salad by the bagged salads, and I’m happy. If I made the salad myself at home I’d resent it. I’d be angry at it. I’d go to sleep thinking “stupid salad” and wake up thinking “I hate that salad” and by lunch I’d be like “I hate that salad and my life and I’m hungry and I want a cheeseburger with onion rings now gobdamnit”. If I open my fridge and see rows of great, fresh, bite sized veggies in easy to grab containers a dark cloud settles over my mood and won’t go away. I apparently enjoy mystery in my life; I don’t want to know what I’m eating for lunch days ahead of time unless the words “buffet” and perhaps “all you can eat” are included.
I don’t know why my brain is like this; all I know is that it is. And I now know that I can bypass that whole loop if I buy my veggies precut and cleaned and my salads prepackaged all cute like. Hence airplane food: Give me two crackers in a tiny package and 1/8 ounce of peanut butter and I’m delighted. I don’t even like peanuts, or pretzels covered in “fiesta” spices, but if you put three or four in a tiny bag I’m all over it. Which may be why I’m so digging the current diet set up: It’s like vacation food. I don’t have to think about it, I don’t have to put any work into it, the calorie calculations are done by others and there are no plastic containers to clean out. Plus the mystery is still there: there aren’t five tubs of cucumbers and five tubs of salad and five tubs of tomatoes sitting in my fridge angrily nagging at me that I’m fat and a failure and they are all I can eat. No, my fridge is happy and veggie tub free and my brain is fooled by buying things in small doses.
I don’t have to worry about buying, cleaning, cutting, and preparing food for the week. I can wander into the store like a “normal” person and buy normal people food and I don’t feel deprived. I’m not spending hours of my week meal planning raw veggies and therefore focusing on my eating habits and therefore wallowing in self loathing. I can spend those extra hours a week wallowing in different kinds of self loathing, trying to find a new job, loathing, trying to find a new apartment, loathing, struggling with my credit, loathing, yelling at my wrinkles, loathing, you know, normal stuff.
Soon I may be bitching to you about my need for variety. I would love to see some jicama and beets precut and packaged for my convenience, I’m sure cauliflower and broccoli is going to start to wear on me, you know? But that shall be a post for another time.
Now.
If only I weren’t creating so much damn trash I wouldn’t have this nagging feeling of guilt but one thing at a time people, one thing at a time.
*Though luncheables are disgusting and can F themselves. That is one twee prepackaged meal I won’t touch with a ten foot pole.
UPDATE:
I sent this post as an email to myself to publish later and all the google ads along the side were this:
Sponsored Links
Importer of Eco-Products
Cheapest Prices on Internet Bagasse, PLA, To Go Containers
costaverdepapersupply.com
BioBag-no polyethylene
only astm6400 bags are compostable nature knows the difference
www.biobagusa.com
Organic Raw Food
Buy Raw Food Direct And Save Raw Cacao, Raw Maca, Raw Goji
www.macaweb.com
Creative Food Packaging
Cheap Prices Boxes, Bags, Tins Bakery, Take Out, Candy, Gourmet
www.creativefoodpackaging.com
Food Processing Equipment
New & Used Equipment. Integration Engineering Fabrication
www.rightstuffequipment.com
Raw Organic Almonds
Raw Organic Almonds from California See our prices & organic selection.
www.sunorganicfarm.com/
LitterMaid Receptacle
Say GoodBye to Disposable Trays w/ Permanent Waste Tray - 80% More Cap
slideandtoss.com
Containers, Jars, Bottles
Find Your Containers and Closures All In One Place! Shop Online Today
www.ContainerAndPackaging.com
More about...
Organic Food Coupons »
Spinach Salad Recipes »
Packaging »
PLA Plastic »
Mmmmm, think they data mine the content of emails much? Because I'm not chalking this one up to coincidence.
I’m not doing the environmentally correct thing; and I hate to admit this because I am the person who hates shampoo bottles and thinks we should be allowed to keep one and refill it direct from vats at the store to cut down on plastic waste, but I’ve been buying precut veggies and salads in non-reusable plastic bags and plastic containers and it feels GREAT.
Part of maintaining this current go at healthy eating has been the wonderful ease of buying pre-packaged salads and veggies. My brain associates cutting yummy, fresh, healthy veggies up and partitioning them into reusable plastic bins with depravation and misery. My brain hates taking care of me. It would rather eat half a stale bag of potato chips of questionable origin than make tuna for a sandwich. It would rather dig for 45 minutes though every kitchen bin imaginable for a few errant tootsie roll minis than whip up some whole wheat pasta. My brain: Functional Retardation at its finest (surprised we made it this far, actually).
I keep fresh fruit at my work desk, apples and oranges mostly, along with whole natural almonds and yogurts in the work fridge. I swing by the store on my way in and grab one or two of those veggies that steam in the bag (which I eat raw) and a premade salad by the bagged salads, and I’m happy. If I made the salad myself at home I’d resent it. I’d be angry at it. I’d go to sleep thinking “stupid salad” and wake up thinking “I hate that salad” and by lunch I’d be like “I hate that salad and my life and I’m hungry and I want a cheeseburger with onion rings now gobdamnit”. If I open my fridge and see rows of great, fresh, bite sized veggies in easy to grab containers a dark cloud settles over my mood and won’t go away. I apparently enjoy mystery in my life; I don’t want to know what I’m eating for lunch days ahead of time unless the words “buffet” and perhaps “all you can eat” are included.
I don’t know why my brain is like this; all I know is that it is. And I now know that I can bypass that whole loop if I buy my veggies precut and cleaned and my salads prepackaged all cute like. Hence airplane food: Give me two crackers in a tiny package and 1/8 ounce of peanut butter and I’m delighted. I don’t even like peanuts, or pretzels covered in “fiesta” spices, but if you put three or four in a tiny bag I’m all over it. Which may be why I’m so digging the current diet set up: It’s like vacation food. I don’t have to think about it, I don’t have to put any work into it, the calorie calculations are done by others and there are no plastic containers to clean out. Plus the mystery is still there: there aren’t five tubs of cucumbers and five tubs of salad and five tubs of tomatoes sitting in my fridge angrily nagging at me that I’m fat and a failure and they are all I can eat. No, my fridge is happy and veggie tub free and my brain is fooled by buying things in small doses.
I don’t have to worry about buying, cleaning, cutting, and preparing food for the week. I can wander into the store like a “normal” person and buy normal people food and I don’t feel deprived. I’m not spending hours of my week meal planning raw veggies and therefore focusing on my eating habits and therefore wallowing in self loathing. I can spend those extra hours a week wallowing in different kinds of self loathing, trying to find a new job, loathing, trying to find a new apartment, loathing, struggling with my credit, loathing, yelling at my wrinkles, loathing, you know, normal stuff.
Soon I may be bitching to you about my need for variety. I would love to see some jicama and beets precut and packaged for my convenience, I’m sure cauliflower and broccoli is going to start to wear on me, you know? But that shall be a post for another time.
Now.
If only I weren’t creating so much damn trash I wouldn’t have this nagging feeling of guilt but one thing at a time people, one thing at a time.
*Though luncheables are disgusting and can F themselves. That is one twee prepackaged meal I won’t touch with a ten foot pole.
UPDATE:
I sent this post as an email to myself to publish later and all the google ads along the side were this:
Sponsored Links
Importer of Eco-Products
Cheapest Prices on Internet Bagasse, PLA, To Go Containers
costaverdepapersupply.com
BioBag-no polyethylene
only astm6400 bags are compostable nature knows the difference
www.biobagusa.com
Organic Raw Food
Buy Raw Food Direct And Save Raw Cacao, Raw Maca, Raw Goji
www.macaweb.com
Creative Food Packaging
Cheap Prices Boxes, Bags, Tins Bakery, Take Out, Candy, Gourmet
www.creativefoodpackaging.com
Food Processing Equipment
New & Used Equipment. Integration Engineering Fabrication
www.rightstuffequipment.com
Raw Organic Almonds
Raw Organic Almonds from California See our prices & organic selection.
www.sunorganicfarm.com/
LitterMaid Receptacle
Say GoodBye to Disposable Trays w/ Permanent Waste Tray - 80% More Cap
slideandtoss.com
Containers, Jars, Bottles
Find Your Containers and Closures All In One Place! Shop Online Today
www.ContainerAndPackaging.com
More about...
Organic Food Coupons »
Spinach Salad Recipes »
Packaging »
PLA Plastic »
Mmmmm, think they data mine the content of emails much? Because I'm not chalking this one up to coincidence.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The scale says one thing, but my pants say another: You have a long way to go sweetcakes
I am quite proud of my emergency weight loss skills. I’ve gone from XX8 down to XX2.8 in under two weeks, which, great! I’ve almost undone the damage I did while eating my way through my recent life obstacles (or opportunities as self help books would tell me to call them). This is all fine and dandy except:
I effectively wasted a whole month. I was supposed to be eight pounds less that I am now, starting on April 1.
Which makes the next two months that much harder.
I’m not losing weight by starving myself but I’m also not eating the way I would if I weren’t dieting which means:
I’m dieting
And I swore that I wouldn’t do this dieting stuff again
I justified dieting by deciding that I needed to undo the eating damage I did by justifying my emotional eating spree
The whole point of losing weight this time was learning to lead a healthy, active, non-restrictive lifestyle
Yet here I am, yo-yoing again
Bah
Well. I cannot beat myself up. I just can’t. I can’t undo the past. I can, however, get myself to XX0 and start back in on trying to do this weight loss the mature way. Right now I’m eating a yogurt, 13 almonds, an apple, raw veggies, a salad with lean protein, an orange and a super light dinner everyday, amounting to about 1400 calories. For a person of my size this is apparently what I can expect to eat and “maintain” my weight. Damn being short, I bet tall girls get to eat pizza more often. I also bet ten pounds on a tall girl doesn’t size her out of her whole wardrobe, but, fine. Short it is.
I am eating healthfully, I’m not starving myself (yet I feel hungry, damn stupid addiction to sugar and fat) but this isn’t something I’m going to be able to stick to for the rest of my life. Unless someone zaps the part of my brain that finds food delightful I’m not going to be able to eat a salad everyday for lunch until I die. My arteries are calling out for trans fat, I know, they are gluttons like that and don’t know what is good for them but still. My arteries should be begging me for more raw broccoli, not alfredo dipping sauce.
I’m doing a workout video about every three days and walking every day that I don’t do the video. This is because of my neck injury, I have to take getting in shape very, painstakingly, obnoxiously slow. Which might be a good thing. I get so obsessive about the weight that I probably would have tried working out 8 hours a day, hurt myself, and set myself back even further. The neck injury is keeping me from being an idiot.
I still need to lose 25 pounds by mid June. Send skinny thoughts my way.
I effectively wasted a whole month. I was supposed to be eight pounds less that I am now, starting on April 1.
Which makes the next two months that much harder.
I’m not losing weight by starving myself but I’m also not eating the way I would if I weren’t dieting which means:
I’m dieting
And I swore that I wouldn’t do this dieting stuff again
I justified dieting by deciding that I needed to undo the eating damage I did by justifying my emotional eating spree
The whole point of losing weight this time was learning to lead a healthy, active, non-restrictive lifestyle
Yet here I am, yo-yoing again
Bah
Well. I cannot beat myself up. I just can’t. I can’t undo the past. I can, however, get myself to XX0 and start back in on trying to do this weight loss the mature way. Right now I’m eating a yogurt, 13 almonds, an apple, raw veggies, a salad with lean protein, an orange and a super light dinner everyday, amounting to about 1400 calories. For a person of my size this is apparently what I can expect to eat and “maintain” my weight. Damn being short, I bet tall girls get to eat pizza more often. I also bet ten pounds on a tall girl doesn’t size her out of her whole wardrobe, but, fine. Short it is.
I am eating healthfully, I’m not starving myself (yet I feel hungry, damn stupid addiction to sugar and fat) but this isn’t something I’m going to be able to stick to for the rest of my life. Unless someone zaps the part of my brain that finds food delightful I’m not going to be able to eat a salad everyday for lunch until I die. My arteries are calling out for trans fat, I know, they are gluttons like that and don’t know what is good for them but still. My arteries should be begging me for more raw broccoli, not alfredo dipping sauce.
I’m doing a workout video about every three days and walking every day that I don’t do the video. This is because of my neck injury, I have to take getting in shape very, painstakingly, obnoxiously slow. Which might be a good thing. I get so obsessive about the weight that I probably would have tried working out 8 hours a day, hurt myself, and set myself back even further. The neck injury is keeping me from being an idiot.
I still need to lose 25 pounds by mid June. Send skinny thoughts my way.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Checking In
This week my computer bit the dust when I got some kind of virus in it. Luckily, being a computer tech (read: having access to Google) I reformatted the thing and it seems good as new. I'm scared to surf around the evil Internet now, though, because I'm not sure how I got the virus in the first place, and because it took EIGHT hours to reformat this baby. Older model laptop + Dell + out of date everything makes for a non easy job.
Speaking of jobs I still have one through July 1. Work has been just about as fun as you would imagine any crappy situation to be: Those not getting laid off are getting pushed into lower positions or forced to take substantially less pay, those that are getting laid off are heartless zombie drones that can hardly make it through the day. I'm only half joking when I say I hope one of my co-workers doesn't wind up going on a shooting spree. I work with much redneck or ex-military folk, there be a great many guns between the lot of them.
I've managed to go from XX8 to XX4 since last Friday and I'm doing my best. I overdid the workouts a bit and couldn't walk all day today for the pain in my shins and the blisters on my feet, so today is a day off. I'm also doing better with food. I want to be at XX0 by the start of next week, I'm just not sure how that will happen, so let's say I will be at XX0 by April 4th. That is a decent goal, I think. I mean, this is real weight I'm dealing with here but not real, real weight, right? This is weight I packed on the week I found out I was both losing my job and almost kicked out of my apartment (neither of which are my fault, thankfully, but still). Which means this isn't cheesecake from the 90s, which has settled in and created a home in my thighs, this is free floating weight that hasn't had time to put down stakes or start a family. I hope.
I don't know if I ever updated but the bank will let me stay in my apartment until the lease is up in July. Whew! Three months to find a new place is far more manageable than 48 hours. Of course, finding a new place will be awesome when I'm borderline unemployed and penniless. But that bridge? I shall scale when I get there.
Seems like all I can do is update lately, but work really is taking a huge emotional toll and working out saps up what little energy I might have had left. But know this: You guys are still some of the best friends I have in the world. Thank you.
Speaking of jobs I still have one through July 1. Work has been just about as fun as you would imagine any crappy situation to be: Those not getting laid off are getting pushed into lower positions or forced to take substantially less pay, those that are getting laid off are heartless zombie drones that can hardly make it through the day. I'm only half joking when I say I hope one of my co-workers doesn't wind up going on a shooting spree. I work with much redneck or ex-military folk, there be a great many guns between the lot of them.
I've managed to go from XX8 to XX4 since last Friday and I'm doing my best. I overdid the workouts a bit and couldn't walk all day today for the pain in my shins and the blisters on my feet, so today is a day off. I'm also doing better with food. I want to be at XX0 by the start of next week, I'm just not sure how that will happen, so let's say I will be at XX0 by April 4th. That is a decent goal, I think. I mean, this is real weight I'm dealing with here but not real, real weight, right? This is weight I packed on the week I found out I was both losing my job and almost kicked out of my apartment (neither of which are my fault, thankfully, but still). Which means this isn't cheesecake from the 90s, which has settled in and created a home in my thighs, this is free floating weight that hasn't had time to put down stakes or start a family. I hope.
I don't know if I ever updated but the bank will let me stay in my apartment until the lease is up in July. Whew! Three months to find a new place is far more manageable than 48 hours. Of course, finding a new place will be awesome when I'm borderline unemployed and penniless. But that bridge? I shall scale when I get there.
Seems like all I can do is update lately, but work really is taking a huge emotional toll and working out saps up what little energy I might have had left. But know this: You guys are still some of the best friends I have in the world. Thank you.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Important Weight Loss Note
When working on weight loss do not , I repeat, DO NOT, weigh yourself more than every two weeks. If you can go longer that is much, much better, but in the very least WAIT TWO WEEKS.
Your weight varies so much day to day that you will drive yourself crazy and wind up miserable and even sabotage yourself.
I didn't take my own advice, weighed myself yesterday, saw that I was up FIVE POUNDS and basically ruined my whole day. Today? Those five pounds? Totally gone. Idiot. From henceforth I am only weighing myself on the two week weight in day and at NO OTHER TIME. It would be craziness to do otherwise.
Your weight varies so much day to day that you will drive yourself crazy and wind up miserable and even sabotage yourself.
I didn't take my own advice, weighed myself yesterday, saw that I was up FIVE POUNDS and basically ruined my whole day. Today? Those five pounds? Totally gone. Idiot. From henceforth I am only weighing myself on the two week weight in day and at NO OTHER TIME. It would be craziness to do otherwise.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
2 Pounds Down
23 to go.
By June 1.
Good Morning Internet!
In the Great Weight Loss Journey I have embarked upon my goals are lifetime long term. I am learning how to eat in a healthy and non emotional manner. I am learning how to address my feelings as opposed to stuffing them with fast food. I am learning how to incorporate exercise into a regular routine. In short, at 27, I am learning how to live a healthy and fulfilling life that doesn't revolve around obsessing over food, not fitting into my clothes and both punishing/rewarding myself with food.
It is not easy.
I'm quite pleased to see the scale finally, after a month, budge down a couple of tiny numbers. By this point my goal system would have me down 6 pounds but I'm not freaking out...yet. I'm learning what it takes to actually lose and maintain weight for my body which is a good thing. Exercise was key in this recent weight loss so it will remain key in the upcoming months and then maintenance of a healthy body weight for my height and size.
I've started working out in the morning before work and though I can't even make it through an exercise tape entirely yet I am taking it slow to not injure myself further. Plus I'm not coordinated; it will take me weeks to even begin to get the complicated moves and steps down. Easy for beginner's my arse, half the time I'm marching in place or flailing my arms around trying to keep up with the chipper, overly tan, surgically enhanced freaks of nature squealing at me to keep going and feel the burn.
As an aside I don't understand why videos specifically marketed to women require genetically impossible women with breast implants wearing bikinis to get me motivated. Not that I want to see someone like me on film, sweating and grunting and looking overall awkward and confused, but it would be nice to see someone wearing, oh, I don't know, a TANK TOP and shorts that completely cover their ass. I also don't want to see totally ripped and cut women with biceps the size of my thighs. If my goal is lean healthy muscles why do they choose to showcase female body builders with no hips, big plastic boobies and a tan so orange Lindsay Lohan would cringe? Don't get me started on capped teeth or platinum blonde hair either, I just have to have faith that the moves I'm attempting to perform won't make me look like a roided out she-male.
In this next upcoming two week span the goal is again to lose three pounds. Actually, more like 5 would be lovely. That will put me under the next round number and into a different realm. The exercise I'm not too worried about, I just have to continue gradually and gently increasing my ability without hurting myself further. As it is my neck and shoulders and back are KILLING me today, but that I attribute more to strength rehab than anything else.
I'm better with my eating but not great. I'm identifying when I am genuinely hungry, eating when I am hungry, eating slowly and enjoying every bite, and stopping when I am full... 6 days out of 7. Because I don't yet have the skills to address my emotional eating. After a lifetime of suppressing and masking my anxiety and stress with food it is extremely hard to reprogram my coping skills. I derive a great deal of pleasure in the act of mindlessly eating, and eating alot, it is calming and soothing. I have not ever given myself another way to treat myself well; it has always been food. On this all I can do is continue to do the above and also, when I am particularly anxious and nutty, try writing out my feelings or talking them out in order to face them head on and not swallow them covered in nacho cheese.
I'm oh so tempted to go into heavy diet mode again. I want to see those numbers on the scale drop so, so bad. I'm tempted to eat nothing but salads and hard boiled eggs for the next two weeks. But that in itself is a form of emotional control, both in punishing myself with food and depriving myself of food and escaping my yucky feelings with hunger. But that doesn't work, not in the long term, and though I've managed to yo yo 10-15 pounds over the last several years the numbers never stay where I get them to. And it isn't even the numbers that I really care about; it is the tire of flab around my belly, the clothes that don't fit, the way my chin and neck are no longer two distinct and separate entities.
By Saturday March 7 I am confident that I will indeed really be down three pounds. Now I have a grasp on what it takes. I'm also living, for the first time in weight loss history for me, a normal lifestyle that I can accommodate.
Yay weight loss!
By June 1.
Good Morning Internet!
In the Great Weight Loss Journey I have embarked upon my goals are lifetime long term. I am learning how to eat in a healthy and non emotional manner. I am learning how to address my feelings as opposed to stuffing them with fast food. I am learning how to incorporate exercise into a regular routine. In short, at 27, I am learning how to live a healthy and fulfilling life that doesn't revolve around obsessing over food, not fitting into my clothes and both punishing/rewarding myself with food.
It is not easy.
I'm quite pleased to see the scale finally, after a month, budge down a couple of tiny numbers. By this point my goal system would have me down 6 pounds but I'm not freaking out...yet. I'm learning what it takes to actually lose and maintain weight for my body which is a good thing. Exercise was key in this recent weight loss so it will remain key in the upcoming months and then maintenance of a healthy body weight for my height and size.
I've started working out in the morning before work and though I can't even make it through an exercise tape entirely yet I am taking it slow to not injure myself further. Plus I'm not coordinated; it will take me weeks to even begin to get the complicated moves and steps down. Easy for beginner's my arse, half the time I'm marching in place or flailing my arms around trying to keep up with the chipper, overly tan, surgically enhanced freaks of nature squealing at me to keep going and feel the burn.
As an aside I don't understand why videos specifically marketed to women require genetically impossible women with breast implants wearing bikinis to get me motivated. Not that I want to see someone like me on film, sweating and grunting and looking overall awkward and confused, but it would be nice to see someone wearing, oh, I don't know, a TANK TOP and shorts that completely cover their ass. I also don't want to see totally ripped and cut women with biceps the size of my thighs. If my goal is lean healthy muscles why do they choose to showcase female body builders with no hips, big plastic boobies and a tan so orange Lindsay Lohan would cringe? Don't get me started on capped teeth or platinum blonde hair either, I just have to have faith that the moves I'm attempting to perform won't make me look like a roided out she-male.
In this next upcoming two week span the goal is again to lose three pounds. Actually, more like 5 would be lovely. That will put me under the next round number and into a different realm. The exercise I'm not too worried about, I just have to continue gradually and gently increasing my ability without hurting myself further. As it is my neck and shoulders and back are KILLING me today, but that I attribute more to strength rehab than anything else.
I'm better with my eating but not great. I'm identifying when I am genuinely hungry, eating when I am hungry, eating slowly and enjoying every bite, and stopping when I am full... 6 days out of 7. Because I don't yet have the skills to address my emotional eating. After a lifetime of suppressing and masking my anxiety and stress with food it is extremely hard to reprogram my coping skills. I derive a great deal of pleasure in the act of mindlessly eating, and eating alot, it is calming and soothing. I have not ever given myself another way to treat myself well; it has always been food. On this all I can do is continue to do the above and also, when I am particularly anxious and nutty, try writing out my feelings or talking them out in order to face them head on and not swallow them covered in nacho cheese.
I'm oh so tempted to go into heavy diet mode again. I want to see those numbers on the scale drop so, so bad. I'm tempted to eat nothing but salads and hard boiled eggs for the next two weeks. But that in itself is a form of emotional control, both in punishing myself with food and depriving myself of food and escaping my yucky feelings with hunger. But that doesn't work, not in the long term, and though I've managed to yo yo 10-15 pounds over the last several years the numbers never stay where I get them to. And it isn't even the numbers that I really care about; it is the tire of flab around my belly, the clothes that don't fit, the way my chin and neck are no longer two distinct and separate entities.
By Saturday March 7 I am confident that I will indeed really be down three pounds. Now I have a grasp on what it takes. I'm also living, for the first time in weight loss history for me, a normal lifestyle that I can accommodate.
Yay weight loss!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Weight Loss Update - Workout When?
I read something interesting The Happiness Project on blog today: In Stop Being Bored By Your Daily Routine the writer observed that “it’s often easier for me to do something every day than it is to do somedays” and notes that if she only does something a few times a week she winds up arguing with herself when it will get done. This is exactly my problem with exercise. If I tell myself I’m going to do it four days a week I wind up pushing it back or juggling it around when really, like work or brushing my teeth, I should attempt to incorporate it into an everyday thing so that it becomes routine.
My recent two week trial, the one I failed last week, has shown me that exercise is the missing key for me right now. I struggle with my eating (if you know me you know this as well as I know that nacho cheese is delicious on everything) but I’m doing a bit better with it right now (more on that to follow in another post). I have to find a solution to incorporating exercise into my life and since nothing has worked before it is time to explore new options.
Ignoring the fact that I can’t find the motivation to exercise, that most days I am in too much pain to do it, and that my evil inner voice says things like “you’re doing it wrong”, “you aren’t going to lose weight that way” and “what is the point?” the main issue with exercise is that I haven’t incorporated it into my scheduled routine. If it is something I do every day, or on a schedule, then it will be easier for me to stick to the time and just do it already. I’ve been muddling over the exercise issue for almost a year now. How/when do I fit in regular workouts around my work, eat, sleep, bathe, see boyfriend, try to be social, see family, schedule?
I am a morning person so that would be the best time for me to fit it in but I can’t get over the mental hurdle of waking up at 4AM to do this. I’m already up at 5:30AM on weekdays for work and on alternating sleep-over nights I doubt my significant other would love it if I got out of bed even earlier. As it is I’m waking him up almost two full hours earlier than he needs to wake up which is damaging his sleep schedule. M, W, and F I have set strength rehab for two hours after work which are also the current date days with the boy, so I have to rule out running to the gym afterwards (providing that I somehow magically found the energy to do so, but we’ll ignore that for now). Tuesdays and Thursdays after work alternate other appointments: chiropractor, regular doctor, therapist, and my attempts at a social life with friend time. And I’ll be honest: Sometimes on Tuesdays and Thursdays all I look forward to is crawling home, taking a handful of muscle relaxers and passing out at 5:00 in the afternoon. I’m in pain most of the time and I can’t take muscle relaxers if I expect to function, hence, it is like a quiet restorative vacation to pass out mid afternoon in a pile of drool, even if it means my laundry stacks up and the only thing I have in my cupboards is expired alka seltzer and some questionable lentils.
Saturday or Sunday all day I have to hide. I have to do nothing. I have to lie on my couch or bed, devoid of thought or action, for many many hours. I know that this isn’t the best coping skill but it is the only way I’m able to manage my depression and social exhaustion. It is a relief, actually, to have figured this out because now I can be productive at least 5 days a week, maybe 6, whereas before I could barely function the majority of the time. I’m not kidding when I say I must do absolutely nothing: I can’t even schedule a work out or I get panicky and angry and resentful at having to do something. No cleaning, grocery shopping, blogging, socializing, nothing can be done on this day. I’ve learned through trial and error that I must curl up in a ball and sortof enter a stimulus and though free environment for a full 24 hours. Which leaves me with what, exactly? A promise to workout on Saturday, if I’m lucky?
Not good.
I’ve also toyed with pushing my work schedule back an hour so that I have that extra hour in the morning to get fit. I’m torn because I love being one of the first people in and since I’m at my mental peak in the AM I feel more productive. But really, what does it come down to? Do I spend my productive time working out in the AM because that is what is important to me or do I again try to fit in workouts after work which has been a glaring failure?
After writing this all out I think I’ll attempt pushing my schedule back to work out in the morning. I may not like being at work that late but why don’t I just try it? If I don’t like it or if it doesn’t work out I can always switch back.
Yes. I think I shall try it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. I keep trying to go to the gym a few times a week after work but that never happens. I need to make exercise part of my routine so that it gets done daily and I’m not arguing with myself over when to do it.
I’m going to email my boss right now. And the significant other; I hope he can sleep through me grunting and panting in the other room while he tries to get in the last two hours of his sleep.
My recent two week trial, the one I failed last week, has shown me that exercise is the missing key for me right now. I struggle with my eating (if you know me you know this as well as I know that nacho cheese is delicious on everything) but I’m doing a bit better with it right now (more on that to follow in another post). I have to find a solution to incorporating exercise into my life and since nothing has worked before it is time to explore new options.
Ignoring the fact that I can’t find the motivation to exercise, that most days I am in too much pain to do it, and that my evil inner voice says things like “you’re doing it wrong”, “you aren’t going to lose weight that way” and “what is the point?” the main issue with exercise is that I haven’t incorporated it into my scheduled routine. If it is something I do every day, or on a schedule, then it will be easier for me to stick to the time and just do it already. I’ve been muddling over the exercise issue for almost a year now. How/when do I fit in regular workouts around my work, eat, sleep, bathe, see boyfriend, try to be social, see family, schedule?
I am a morning person so that would be the best time for me to fit it in but I can’t get over the mental hurdle of waking up at 4AM to do this. I’m already up at 5:30AM on weekdays for work and on alternating sleep-over nights I doubt my significant other would love it if I got out of bed even earlier. As it is I’m waking him up almost two full hours earlier than he needs to wake up which is damaging his sleep schedule. M, W, and F I have set strength rehab for two hours after work which are also the current date days with the boy, so I have to rule out running to the gym afterwards (providing that I somehow magically found the energy to do so, but we’ll ignore that for now). Tuesdays and Thursdays after work alternate other appointments: chiropractor, regular doctor, therapist, and my attempts at a social life with friend time. And I’ll be honest: Sometimes on Tuesdays and Thursdays all I look forward to is crawling home, taking a handful of muscle relaxers and passing out at 5:00 in the afternoon. I’m in pain most of the time and I can’t take muscle relaxers if I expect to function, hence, it is like a quiet restorative vacation to pass out mid afternoon in a pile of drool, even if it means my laundry stacks up and the only thing I have in my cupboards is expired alka seltzer and some questionable lentils.
Saturday or Sunday all day I have to hide. I have to do nothing. I have to lie on my couch or bed, devoid of thought or action, for many many hours. I know that this isn’t the best coping skill but it is the only way I’m able to manage my depression and social exhaustion. It is a relief, actually, to have figured this out because now I can be productive at least 5 days a week, maybe 6, whereas before I could barely function the majority of the time. I’m not kidding when I say I must do absolutely nothing: I can’t even schedule a work out or I get panicky and angry and resentful at having to do something. No cleaning, grocery shopping, blogging, socializing, nothing can be done on this day. I’ve learned through trial and error that I must curl up in a ball and sortof enter a stimulus and though free environment for a full 24 hours. Which leaves me with what, exactly? A promise to workout on Saturday, if I’m lucky?
Not good.
I’ve also toyed with pushing my work schedule back an hour so that I have that extra hour in the morning to get fit. I’m torn because I love being one of the first people in and since I’m at my mental peak in the AM I feel more productive. But really, what does it come down to? Do I spend my productive time working out in the AM because that is what is important to me or do I again try to fit in workouts after work which has been a glaring failure?
After writing this all out I think I’ll attempt pushing my schedule back to work out in the morning. I may not like being at work that late but why don’t I just try it? If I don’t like it or if it doesn’t work out I can always switch back.
Yes. I think I shall try it. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. I keep trying to go to the gym a few times a week after work but that never happens. I need to make exercise part of my routine so that it gets done daily and I’m not arguing with myself over when to do it.
I’m going to email my boss right now. And the significant other; I hope he can sleep through me grunting and panting in the other room while he tries to get in the last two hours of his sleep.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Belated Feb 07 Weight Loss Update
Um...
Well.
Let us focus on the positive: I didn't gain any weight. That is good, right? However, the goal was very specifically to lose 3 pounds (or 1.36 stone per LaLa) in two weeks. Which didn't happen.
I didn't lose an ounce. I weigh, to the tenth of a pound, exactly what I weighed two weeks ago. And people, my double chin would argue that this is not my "ideal" weight.
I could pretend that it is muscle gain but that is entirely unlikely. I can do a whole quarter of a pushup girl style (up on my knees) now but that alone would not burn three pounds of fat and replace it with three pounds of muscle.
So.
Yeah.
Meh.
The goal stands. Three pounds in two weeks. By February 21 I WILL be down three pounds. I WILL BE. I just don't know how...
Well.
Let us focus on the positive: I didn't gain any weight. That is good, right? However, the goal was very specifically to lose 3 pounds (or 1.36 stone per LaLa) in two weeks. Which didn't happen.
I didn't lose an ounce. I weigh, to the tenth of a pound, exactly what I weighed two weeks ago. And people, my double chin would argue that this is not my "ideal" weight.
I could pretend that it is muscle gain but that is entirely unlikely. I can do a whole quarter of a pushup girl style (up on my knees) now but that alone would not burn three pounds of fat and replace it with three pounds of muscle.
So.
Yeah.
Meh.
The goal stands. Three pounds in two weeks. By February 21 I WILL be down three pounds. I WILL BE. I just don't know how...
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Yeah, no title because I'm not creating eighty posts with the title "weight loss update". Instead I'm going to label the posts in an attempt to create some organization. This here is just a quickie because I am busy sobbing uncontrollably and screaming at the universe/myself/my stupid degrees because I just filed my taxes. And yeah. The number I made last year is again really, really sad. Like I qualify for federal aide sad. And I hate myself and lack of earning power right now.
Anyhoo:
I have not and will not weigh myself until February 07 so I don't know how I'm doing on the three pounds in two weeks goal. I made it to strength rehab all three times this last week but only managed to fit in two exercise sessions. My eating is okay... not the worst it has ever been but not the best. And I've all but cut out the booze which were just extra calories anyway.
Cheers. I'm off to research kidney resale values.
Anyhoo:
I have not and will not weigh myself until February 07 so I don't know how I'm doing on the three pounds in two weeks goal. I made it to strength rehab all three times this last week but only managed to fit in two exercise sessions. My eating is okay... not the worst it has ever been but not the best. And I've all but cut out the booze which were just extra calories anyway.
Cheers. I'm off to research kidney resale values.
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