Thursday, January 31, 2008

Another One Bites The Dust

Chocklate is taking it offline yo, offline and underground, fo real.

I feel her pain. I had to take my original blog private because even though I never posted pics of myself I did use my real name and too many people wound up knowing about it. The problem with blogging is that while it is a great outlet and a wonderful social network it is also now almost impossible to be anonymous or enjoy some modicum of privacy. The world is too small these days.

I miss what I like to think of as my "naive" blogging days; when I railed against my hellacious job, insaine co-workers and shared all my insecurities with an unseen world. Now I work at a place where people actually access the internet, and know how to use it, so I can't reference anything that happens on a daily basis anymore. Not that I would be blogging about my job; things are much, much better since I left Shit Company Of Sweet Fucking Hell, but I can't really write about anything else. If I have a dentist appointment I can't write about it because I get super paranoid that the internet whores I work with are all over the web like crazy on Britney and I don't want them to put two and two together. I have to wind up postponing things or not writing about them at all, which, if you followed me from the other blog here you have likely picked up on.

It is too bad to see Chocklate go but I absolutely understand why she has to. The lack of true anonymity on the internet can actually be percieved as a good thing; it causes people to think more about their actions and have some accountability. Still, it would be nice to bitch about how much I want a damn ciggarette or how much I really, really want to make out with a few of my co-workers without being worried that my Grandma and my (super hot) Boss are going to find out about it later.


What are we to do? If you don't have the freedom to blog totally out in the open, like some of the big bloggers, then do you hide behind a fake persona and censor the hell out of yourself? It is a fine line to walk. I know I struggle daily wanting to share stories with you guys and then having to pull back for fear of repercussions, which makes the blog content super lame. Do we all win because we are accountable or do we all lose because we aren't as authentic as we could be?

What do you do?

(Hey, no booze for 5 days so far, yay me)

(Also, still no damn spell check.)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

17 days to go

Provided, of course, that I make it through tonight. Which I will. I WILL make it through tonight.

I'll be fine. I have coffee with some ladies tonight, a few new books to read and plenty of cleaning to do around my apartment so I won't even think of the case of wine I have in my apartment or the vodka in my freezer or the bars down the street.

Instead I'll think about how great it feels to wake up without a hangover and how nice it is not to send stupid drunk texts and I'll daydream about the great new pair of jeans I'll find when I'm down five pounds.

Only 17 days of no alcohol to a healthier me. Not that I plan to slam tequilla shots the second my three weeks booze free is up, so no worries. It's just the way life sometimes is; someone tells you you can't have something so naturally that is the only thing you want. It's like when I decide no more deep fried cheese dipped in ranch dressing, it is all I can think about for days when I normally only think about it in passing.

Well, I'm off to coffee. Be good for me, or if not, share your stories of bad with the internet, we love that kind of stuff.

(Also,b blogger spellcheck has crapped out so if there are glaring errors please wait until I can fix them tomorrow)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Day three booze detox

WHEN I make it through tonight I will have gone a whopping three days without drinking wonderful, delicious, evil alcohol.

Yay me!

Only 18 days to go. Not that I'm counting or anything. Noooooo.

Thank you for the support. I'm not that good at graphing, or making Quadrants, so I'm not sure how well I'll document it but I'll try. Let's pretend that currently I weigh 100 lbs (I do weight this, plus some, but it is a nice round number) and that my waste is elevently million fat fatty inches around, I mean, 10 inches around. In 18 more days I'll tell you the pounds and inches I hopefully lost (you damn foreigners will have to do the conversion to your heathen measuring systems yourself).

With supportive folks like The CEO and Sallyacious I should do just fine. Of course there are totally unsupportive folks like Mr. 24 year old who doesn't know what alcohol does to your metabolism after 25 but it's nice to have him along for the ride too. Skinny jeans here I come! Okay, well, how about less fat jeans? Good? Yes? And then maybe I can try dating again? Not that my curviness is keeping me from dating; more likely the stark lack of men available is doing that, but still, one thing at a time people.

In other news I need to tell you that Raisin Bran is decidedly not a low calorie food. One serving has about 200 calories and I usually eat 4-5 servings in one sitting. Hmmmmm. Glad I noted the box before I ruined my diet. I'm still doing good on food/exercise so I'm watching what I eat.

My something different today? Managing to freaking blog when I got home from the gym as opposed to falling asleep. I'm doing pretty good, 2008 is shaping up to be alright.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Sotally Tober

Okay, okay, OKAY. I'm cutting back on the booze. Entirely. This weekend I *only* had about two bottles of wine (which, sadly, in an improvement) and since I don't want to find myself at any meetings introducing myself by my first name only and attaching a label along with it I'm going cold turkey.

I'm tired of being fat and cutting the extra calories and metabolic slowing of sweet sweet alcohol might help me make a difference. Plus I could save a few bucks in the long run. Benefits abound.

My liver, it sighs with relief.

If I continue to exercise and watch my diet and cut out booze I should see results in three weeks right? Maybe lose a couple of pounds, a couple of inches? 21 days? So let's say I stay dry for three weeks and chart the results. You'll have to stay with me though, I need a support group here, and instead of drinking my angst away you all might be subjected to hours of rambling so I don't continue on this path.

How lame is that? Cutting out booze for three weeks? I really do sound like I might have a problem. Hmmmm.

The catalyst, ironically, has been the upswing in my social life. I'm getting out there and doing things with people, real people!, but I'm so nervous, a drink helps. And then after one drink another keeps me chatty and smiling and comfortable. So with an increase in my social life came a huge increase in my drinking. Plus just hanging out with people seems to involve alcohol, it is the social drug, and no matter what I do or where I go there is alcohol available. That doesn't mean I have to drink it but it does mean that I need to learn to relax and have a good time without it. I know I am capable of this but I have been instead choosing to take the "easy" way out, which is actually the far more detrimental way out.

So there you have it. Three weeks to get off the juice and three weeks to slim this tire of flab that resides around where my waist should be. I bet it will be hard at first, like my struggle to get off the cheese (nacho), but I'll feel better and much happier in the long run.

That, or start really branching out my social circle by winding up at those meetings I mentioned earlier.

We will see.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The fatness continues...

Yes I keep track of what I eat everyday in a little book.

I count calories, protein, vitamins and carbs.

Currently my biggest downfall appears to be alcohol. The spirits, they are just so delicious when they hit my mouth. And then I drink a bottle of wine.

But even a bottle of wine, or two, a week, on top of a 1300 calorie perfectly balanced diet and major exercise shouldn't make the fatness I currently support. DAMNIT.

If only my boobs would grow with my gut, then maybe I wouldn't mind so much.

What? Superficial? Me? Only when I've had a damn bottle of wine. Like tonight.


Monday, January 21, 2008

I have no idea how to lose weight

And keep it off.

There, I said it.

On Christmas I was down 7 pounds. I've still been working out, though I tapered off a day or two a week, I don't eat horrible food and I cut way back on the drinking. Now, less than a month later, I WEIGHT SEVEN POUNDS HEAVIER. SON OF A BITCH. And it isn't muscle gain, believe me, I wish I could pull that excuse, no, this is the sort of gain that makes buttoning my pants up impossible.

I could cry people. I could cry and try to comfort myself by drinking Alfredo sauce, fuck the pasta part, just give the sauce in a vat.

I don't know what to do. I obviously have no idea how to get this to work. I've read everything, I've taken every health class, I've watched everything on weight loss and mapped out numerous sane weight loss plans. I've never put myself on drastic or crazy diets. I don't know what I'm doing or how I'm doing it wrong and I'm at my wits end. Now, to be just a little fair, I'm on a hormone regimen that holds extra fat around my mid section, but that probably only accounts for a quarter of my troubles. I'm 15-20 fatty pounds overweight, and I'm not talking glamour pounds, I'm talking layers of globby spongy spill over fat.

I drink at least 10 glasses of water a day.

I genuinely like vegetables and they don't even need to be covered in cheese.

I don't drink soda.

I don't drink coffee.

I'm not a huge fan of sweets so I'm not pounding chocolate in secret every day.

I'm really, very, sadly discouraged and I don't know what to do anymore. Working out makes me feel good but it isn't doing anything for me; I'm just taking my fat out for a jog. I want to be back down to one chin. I want to have less than a 30' waste (I'm really short). I just don't know how to get to these things.

How does meth work again?

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Celibacy is not so great as you would think it would be. yeah.

Is it possible to have a borderline non-sexual crush on someone? I mean, let's say that you enjoy talking with them, flirting with them, emailing them etc. Your day brightens when you know you will see them. You even get butterflies being close to them. But you absolutely cannot see yourself in a sexual situation with them? They are of the gender you are attracted to, they smell nice, have good hair and yet...nothing.

This is a whole new crush category for me. I'm not sure what to think. I can't even imagine kissing them. Every day relationships with other humans get a little weirder for me. Of course, it has been over a year now since I kissed anybody (much less anything else) so maybe I'm just confused and slipping into nun mode.

In other news I'm doing pretty good on the Different Thing Every Day goal. Today I went to the gym. That isn't different in that I haven't done it before but it is different in that I didn't come home and pass out in a pile of empty wine bottles and pizza boxes. Yay for me! I would like my next different thing to be make out with somebody, oh for the love of gob, almost anybody, but please make him cute and non-committal and it would be kind of great if I never saw him again. Whew. I guess I haven't totally lost my sex drive.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

feh on the resolution thing

2008 will be the year that I do things differently. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results. Well guess what, I've only ever really done the same thing. So this year I plan to do things differently. It doesn't have to be the "right" thing, which I so constantly get hung up on, it just has to be the different thing. That is all.

Do I normally just go home and go to bed? Fine, but that day I have to drive home a different way. Or I have to go by a different shop. Or I have to do my dishes before I fall asleep. Something. Anything. It doesn't matter as long as it is different.

Of course as I type this I feel like crapness; something is setting up shop in my respitory system so I can't do much of anything different tonight. I wanted to hit the gym or do a tape but now my bed is calling. Maybe I'll actually wash my face before I pass out, that would be different.

So any suggestions? Should I shed these last 15 lbs and become a cage dancer? Make out with my co-worker even though it is career suicide? Read a new book every week? Make plans for a big vacation? What should I do different? It can be big or small and I promise I will make every effort to do it. After all, you guys are like my best (imaginary internet) friends and I really do value your input. Plus I want to entertain you.

Damn sinuses. To bed with me now.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Hello Drunk

Um, What?

Look at the post below and come back. I direct you there because I can't even link to it. The post itself (not just the writing) is so jacked up that blogger won't allow me to link to it. Yikes.

I have no freaking idea folks. Not a clue. I keep re-reading its cryptic message, delivered from the realms of my subconscious and I am coming up with nothing. It is quite possibly both the funniest thing and the saddest thing I have ever written. Bacardi and Cranberry! I renounce thee! Really. I woke up the next morning and someone (I was the only person in my apartment that night) had poured a perfectly good bottle of rum down the sink and written "You SUcks" on the bottle with a sharpie.

I think it was just a bad batch of rum.

I think I'm not buying a rum for a few weeks, months, years, until they straighten out this mess. This will give me time to figure out how to get the candle wax out of my carpet, off of my coffee table and out of my damn couch that magically appeared the next morning and time to discover, why, exactly, I pulled all of my nylons and stockings out onto the floor of my closet and overturned the drawer they were in. Hidden messages from my brain stem? Brilliant schemes I need only drink too much to access again? The world will never know. I've had peeps over to my place (!) six times in less than a month, including a huge New Year's bash, and my apartment sustained no damage. I sit down to have a quiet evening with Bacardi, who I trusted, and wind up sleeping on the bathroom floor.

Who is the trusted blogger I speak of in the post below? Why do I reference Dr. Phil? Was I on to something good? Damnit, if only we knew.

If only we knew.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Once upon a time, when I read through the archives of a very ex favorite blogger, I was hightly critical. Given a smidge of bacardi I am still critical. Not so critial that I will still cut any of you out of my life BITCH but still. It has still taken me still like a MONTH to write this stit. It is 8 at night at Dr. F'n phil is one. Damn.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Happy New Year My Peeps!

I am glad I get to share part of my life will all of you.