Thursday, January 28, 2010


Trigger point injections are apparently this thing where they numb the area where your muscles won't stop spasming/knotting up (for me this is my neck and shoulder) and then jab big nasty needles in and inject some substance (it begins with a C, I think, but the pain of the procedure stopped my brain from recording this to memory) into the muscles to break them up and make them relax.

I had this done Tuesday.

It hurt.

When the numbness wore off it HURT.

Wednesday I felt like I'd had, no exaggeration, 30 flu shots in my neck and shoulder. The pain was amusing in that I couldn't believe that it possibly could hurt that much, and every 30 seconds or so it was as though my brain were rediscovering said pain and being utterly and totally surprised. Brain: "WOW! Where did that come from?" Me: "The hands of something truly evil, I believe" Brain: "Unbelievable! I'm laughing at the agony! This is hilarious in its intensity" Me: "I know". And so on. All day long.

Today the pain is far less shockingly entertaining, more dull throbbing ache that makes moving my head all but agonizing. I had this done because I'm still not healing from the fun fall I took at work in early December. I suspect that it actually doesn't help with the original problem. Rather, it causes a new pain so awful that once the new pain dies down you are happy to only have to suffer the old pain. We shall see. In the meantime I'm mostly out of commission, the old pain was nasty and the new pain is retched and I'm fairly crippled and hurty. I fear the permanent scowl my face wears will up my need for botox by several years. Hence the lack of blogging, typing, sitting, breathing, most anything is painful and when things are painful suddenly my motivation to do them, however much I like them, drops exponentially. Hopefully I'll be in less pain soon, and able to blog more actively. Until then send opiate based thoughts my way.


Saturday, January 9, 2010


Always and forever.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

Foreclosed Again, Naturally

Last year the owner of the condo I rented for 5 years got foreclosed on. I was a model tenant, I never once paid my rent late, I kept the unit in immaculate condition and that place was cleaner the day I moved out then the day I moved in. (For those of you who have been for me for awhile you know that cleanliness took me awhile to master, I learned that mold grows in cups of water left for days as well as loads of clean laundry forgotten in washing machines. I have since learned much.)

You can read about it in April 2009 (links on the right).

I’d been handed a pink slip at work (which was later rescinded), I am perpetually broke thanks to student loans and medical debt, and things were looking grim when luck struck and the condo next door to me opened up. It is exactly the same, just a backwards or mirror image of my original one. Better yet it has new paint, carpets, linoleum, and appliances PLUS the rent is cheaper.

I struggled with the decision to take it because I was really, really ready for a change in my life and wanted something with more light and maybe a backyard but my finances wouldn’t allow for such a thing and really, how easy is it to move next door? To the same place, just mirror image? I just put everything as it was and it only took a day. I did eventually reverse the living room because coming home to my bassakwards apartment confuses the dickens out of me daily. Imagine living in your home for five years. Now imagine flipping it exactly reversed and coming home to that one day. It really messes with your relative sense of calm.

Another bonus to taking this condo was that the owners live only a few hours away, so they are real, and I was told that I need not worry about foreclosure because they owned the condo outright. Yay! Security!

Yay! Lies! You know where this is going. You know what my luck is.

That day before New Years Eve I came home to default notices totally papering the entire door. The people who posted them had mangled my Christmas wreathe a bit and one of the pinecones was laying all sad on the floor. I just stood there and laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

Then called my boyfriend.

And my regular friends.

And one friend took me to a “Congratulations you’re being forcefully evicted due to no fault of your own in less than a year!” dinner where I got good and plowed on a work night.

Luckily this time I am far more prepared for this process having had ample experience and unlike last time I don’t have a pink slip in hand. There is even a good chance that my job will hold until June, and, unlike last time, I get a whole 60 days to figure out where to go since they aren’t in full foreclosure yet, just default. Wooo! I totally have this handled.

I do find it amusing that this is time number two, in under a year, on a condo that was supposedly owned outright, that I’m being rendered homeless, and I’m really not upset. My married friends came home to straight orange eviction notices in October on their condo due to the owner going into foreclosure and they had an 11 month old and 24 hours to vacate. My situation is hardly like that. (The friends wound up taking a place in the same complex just upstairs, much like I did, because it was close and seriously? 24 hours? With a BABY? JEBUS).

If I continue to rent condos owned by individuals I continue to run this risk. I’ve done the major apartment complex thing and I don’t want to do it again. Part of the reason I’ve stayed put so long is that I’m in a great location, I’m near a lovely “lake” (pond) where I can take walks if the drug dealers aren’t out in full force, I have enclosed underground parking, and a washer and dryer in my unit. It I move to an apartment complex I get a slew of lousy neighbors, an exposed parking space, and no walking trails or nice central locations.

I can’t afford to rent a house. I will not live with a room mate ever, ever again. I can’t afford to buy a house. The boyfriend has offered to move in together but unless that is like, the absolute only option, I won’t do it: I don’t want to live together before I’m married. I know, I know, spending every other night together is practically living together etc. but my reasoning is a topic for a whole ‘nother blog post entirely.

So, I’ve got to figure this out. At least this time I’ve got 60 days to figure it out. And on the bright side, if I do come home to straight orange eviction notices, there is some law that says I get 1500 bucks to move. My married couple friends got it and my current leasing agent mentioned it. So if I do have to scramble to move for some reason I’ll have the funding to do it, though I don’t see that happening because I know that foreclosure will start March 1(unless the owners pull it out of default, which won’t happen) and I have plenty of time to find a nice van and a space down by the river before then.

How is your new year shaping up?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Part Eight: Er, Conclusion

Part eight, er, conclusion to my seven part series: “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”.

There you have it, holiday hosting tips that I hope will help you with your next gathering. If you do have one please invite me, I promise to actually show up on time (6 means 7!) bring whatever dish I said I would, dress well, and not set anything on fire. I won’t even go through your medicine cabinet because really? Who cares? I just want to be invited someplace where I don’t have to do all the work.

Or, alternatively, can someone reccomend a city I can move to where the people aren't idiots? Because I am so ready.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Part Seven: Invitations

Part seven in my seven part series: “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”.


People stopped responding to paper invitations ages ago. They also don’t read emails, evites, text messages, or actively listen when you talk to them in person or on the phone. If, for some totally incomprehensible reason, you decide you want to host guests in your home, then you are practically forced to stalk them outside their homes, tranq ‘em, tag ‘em, and drag ‘em in yourself.

Setting a specific RSVP date does not matter. See Guests.

The only bit I can offer is this: If someone sees fit to invite you to something, for the sake of all that is holy RSVP you bastard! It doesn’t matter yes or no, just do it! And then follow up your answer!

If you say no don’t go!

If you say yes then make every effort and actually go!

Be polite!

Bring back common social courtesy!

Be the change you want to see in people!

Don’t be an ass and certainly don’t ask if you can bring strangers that the party host does not know!


Sunday, January 3, 2010

Part Six: Smoking

Before we get to the business of part six I would like to take a moment to do some housekeeping and address the very thoughtful comments I have been getting: THANK YOU! I was starting to worry that perhaps it was just me and I can't throw a decent party to save my life but now I know, somewhere, someplace, people are having successful and joyous get togethers that don't involve inconsiderate guests. Which brings me to my next point: Clearly I need to find new friends. Sigh. The story of my life.

Part six in my seven part series: “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”.


Assume ahead of time that some people smoke cigarettes. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known these people your whole life, you will be surprised. Remind them to take it outside. If you’re feeling extra festive, dye some kitty litter red and green and pour it into a cheap (non-flammable) bowl so that you don’t get to clean empty beer containers filled with butts off of your deck or lawn. Bonus for not having guests put out cigarettes on your siding or other available surfaces.

This is the shortest bit of advice I’ve picked up, and probably some of the best. I’ve never heard Martha Stewart mention this, but then again, that woman is a powerhouse and probably has an entire book dedicated to kilning your own natural clay ashtrays which are festively and intricately hand gold leafed, and how to grow heirloom tobacco that she then rolls in home pressed paper rendered from Egyptian papyrus.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

Part Five: Attire

Part five in my seven part series: “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”.


Be happy if people don’t show up with visible pant holes in the crotch area, animal hair caked t-shirts and muddy shoes. Have fun getting yourself ready if you have time but don’t go all out, your false eyelashes will melt from oven heat while you slave in the kitchen and your manicure will dematerialize as you wash wine glasses. Wear something cute and all, but comfortable and serviceable: You’ll have to move quickly when a guest moves a candle on the sink to an entirely new location and sets fire to your hand towels.

Not sure what to wear if you are a guest? Unless you’re meeting the queen of England (disregard Slutty Cyrus, who decided a gown cut to her navel and showing off the jailbait tittays was the way to go) then clean jeans, a nice shirt or sweater, and clean shoes always works. Wear presentable socks too, many people demand that you remove your shoes before walking on their carpet these days.

Every holiday season advertisers and the TV peoples start in on the cocktail or holiday dress barrage. I want to meet someone who has had the occasion to both buy and appropriately wear a cocktail dress. I don’t think such a thing exists. I have never been invited to or even heard of a holiday soiree where a cocktail dress was required or appropriate. The cocktail dress is a lie manufactured to make women doubt our bodies in bikini off season and to stimulate the economy by making women believe that $400.00 for 1/8th yard of black satin is not only reasonable but necessary. And oh how I long to not only own one but have a place to actually wear it to someday.

Friday, January 1, 2010

Part Four: Guests

Part four in my seven part series: “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”.


Guests lie.

They are unreliable, sneaky, suddenly need to leave town for reasons unknown, or worse, have family/friends/religious recruiters in town that they would like to bring along. A definite RSVP is still a shaky maybe at best. Guests who don’t RSVP at all are as likely to show as those that do.

At least half of your guests will ask to bring someone else; a sister, a cousin, their ex (seriously), several friends that you don’t know visiting from out of town (Every. Damn. Year. And you think I would learn not to invite this person), your ex, a priest and a rabbi, your boss, their boss, their boss’ dog, and your mom. I don’t know how to get around this one yet. Beyond people I know and their significant others I think it is weird to invite your family or friends to someone else’s party. Yet it happens, always, every time. Is there a way to be both holiday festive and inclusive while at the same time telling people that their deadbeat friends who didn’t even bring a snack size bag of chips between them are not invited? Do my friends not think that the guests that will already be there are enough? I’ve signed up to open my home to guests that I know, which is hard enough already, now you are making me entertain strangers and weirdoes? Thanks. Note to self: Your invite gets lost in mail next year as I drink champagne in front of my Christmas tree alone and suddenly I’m richer and happier…which fewer carpet stains.