Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Hey All!

Loooooooong time, no blog.

I am okay, I still have no internet (which I am working on) and I am missing you all. I'm working on a solution but until said time be good and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Oh dear.

In between the weird way they paid my last check at my last job because I was salaried and the very bad way they are going to pay me at my new job because I am hourly I am going to be shorted a thousand dollars for the month.

Let me repeat that: One THOUSAND DOLLARS.

I am so infinitely screwed. I really, really hate the universe; more than words can describe even. The phrase “I am so fucked” has never rang more true. To say that I am more than just a little freaked out would also be true. Ironically I took the new job because it paid a little more and now it will take me literally months to even get back to the level where I was before the job change, never mind that I will not get to notice the difference in pay for nearly a year just to make up for this gap.

I’m taking it a wee bit, okay, colossally, bad because I now genuinely believe that everything I do, will do, or have ever done and that I am always permanently fucked.

I’m this close to the edge people.

So close to the edge, in fact, that I’m seeking professional help. We’ll see how that goes. In the meantime I can’t use the internet at work, I can’t order internet for home (hello negative cash flow) and my laptop isn’t working so hot so wifi is going to be a bit touchy. Um, extended blog vacation yet again? Except this time with more clinical depression and suicidal ideations? Yeah. Great. I’ll think of something. In the meantime please visit the people on my blogroll. I miss them and they will need company while I am sorting my freaking joke of a hellish life out.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Allo again!

Shhh, still using contaband internet. This could be dangerous, I may have to duck and cover anytime now.

In my part of the world my mind percieves my concept of linear time as being Saturday morning. I start my new job on Monday. Aside from the crippling nightmares I have had EVERY NIGHT about being trapped in my old job and unable to make my first day of work at my new job it has been a lovely bit of time off, but I am looking forward to getting home. I hope that after Monday the nightmares will cool off a bit and in turn I'll be able to eat solid foods again because I've kept my jaw clenched so tight in my sleep that I can't chew much more than applesauce. When I count my blessings I am glad that the majority of my time has been spent as the caretaker of a six year old, a three year old, a two year old and two ninety-five year olds because that means soft foods such as applesauce were in abundance. Someday, internet, someday I will take a vacation all my own. What luxury.

My grandparents, all their kids, all their kids' kids, and all their kids' kids' kids got together for a big family reunion. It was nice and I'm glad we were able to do it but I must be vain for a moment; we videotaped the event which took place at a beach and I am never eating again, holy hell. I'm at only 123lbs and I still looked like a damn beached whale. Camera adds ten pounds, blah blah blah, I wasn't tan, blah blah blah. Whatever. I don't understand how so little weight, comparitively to the rest of my obese country, can wear me so poorly. Keep in mind that I was under 100lbs for the majority of my life. Gah. Boo hoo, had to share my concerns with someone.

I'm quire nearly done with Harry Potter the 7th and I had already figured most of it. When I am done I may post my own epilogue but I'll warn of spoilers first.

Soon I'll have real access to real internet again. Yay!

Monday, August 6, 2007

shhhhhh am typing this super fast on parent's computer as they do not know about blog and the internet connection I had planned on using while on my vacation won't work. I start the new job on the 13th and as soon as it is safe to write again I'll update.

Gah. I feel 14 with all this sneaking.

Thank you for all the kind words!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Quick Hey, but then I get all sentimental/crazy on you.

How ya doin?

Crazy? Because I am. It has been nothing but nuts the last few days what with trying to get my job in order and I have such mixed feelings. There isn't enough time to get these people trained on what they need to know yet I have been trying for two years so I guess there will never be enough time, it is some kind of paradox. Maybe. I could be using the word wrong. My brain is mush. I also have mixed feelings because it is like leaving an abusive realtionship; sure, he beats me, but he is all I have known for such a long time.

There are a few people I will truly miss but certainly not enough to stay. I can't let myself feel guilt over how bad things may get without me because A) that is ego, even if it is true and B) it is not my responsibility. Still. I am so good at being stressed about things that I absolutely cannot change.


You wake up one day and you spent how long in your job? Doing what? That you hate? Where did the time go? How the hell did I get stuck here and why didn't my very best efforts get me out sooner? What was the purpose of me wasting the last remains of my youth in a shitty job in a crappy town and winding up doing absolutly nothing for three years because I just couldn't escape? Why? Gah. Don't read this. It is drivel. I am crazy, as stated, and all up in mixed emotions and it may have more than a little to do with the 13 hour day I've already worked and the fact that I was forced to skip lunch. Trying to be rational and not all weepy on just the calories in an apple is not good.

But still.

What the hell am I doing with my life. Is this it? Why?