Saturday, July 31, 2010

I have 70 bottles of nail polish and I paint my nails twice a year, tops

Right hand:

I have no retirement account.

I have hardly any savings.

I have student loan debt to the tune of 25k.

In my life I've paid off 50k in medical debt, easily. And my monthly meds are more than my rent.

I have a $350.00 month car payment that will last another five years.

I have no equity.

I own no gold.

I have no rich elderly relatives.

I do not buy lottery tickets.

I just took another pay cut at work.

I'm 28 and I've never not been broke.

Ergo, the obvious conclusion is: I have a consultation for botox next Tuesday.

Because clearly, I am a big freaking idiot. A broke, this close to living on the street, lucky to have a job yet unvelieveably shallow idiot.

Because I am not adding a goddamn forehead wrinkle to the mess above.

Left hand:

I lined up all my polish in ROYGBIV order (visible color spectrum) on one of my bookshelves so you could see my shame. Not only the shame of owning so many polishes and never using them (some are from over ten years ago but still working) but I should also mention the shame in that that isn't my "good" book shelf, I have several and this one just happens to be the catch all for books that I wasn't crazy about but haven't gotten rid of yet, or perhaps books that I do like but are too ugly to be displayed with other books. That and my super awesome autographed photo of Michael Palin:

While taking the above photo I totally spaced and forgot to take the photos of me and the boyfriend kissing, on vacation, etc, down so I had to retake the shot later. I try to keep this blog anonymous, yo. So if you notice that I left something retarded like my birth certificate or drivers license or global coordinates to my condo in the photo will you please let me know?

You wanted pictures, you got pictures. These are my real nails, thank you to Sallyacious for suggesting that my nails were probably dry and needed a good oil or cream, now I use Burt's Bees Cuticle Cream which really helps. I'm also glad I took the picture today because now the left middle nail is cracking and going to snap off at any moment, the nails may look all purty but they're about to implode.

As for the botox it is seriously just a free consultation. For now. I want to learn all I can about injecting poison into my face using money I don't have to desperately cling on to a youth I didn't much like so that I don't obsess while I fall asleep at night over my freaking forehead wrinkle of doom and creep people in my age range out by staring at their foreheads. At least I'm not going out and buying more damn nail polish, seriously.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Seperate yet together, this human thing

Still sickly, getting better. Today I managed to take a small walk at lunch.

My nails are sky blue.

If you are in the market for good, real, powerful blogging read this post from Sallyacious. And be in awe. The internet brings us close to the vulnerability and strength that people posses in a way we miss during our daily lives.

I rest now.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Because being sick has made me shallow

Still not writing about the sick (you know, the one that NEVER DIES) or the secondary infections I've picked up that I cannot shake (ouch, fuck, what the hell? shoot me) or the 15 pounds I've picked up during said time. Not writing about that at all.

Instead, a poll. What color should I paint my nails? I own literally every color of polish yet ironically hate the feeling of polish on my nails and never use it. But after two months of doing pretty much nothing my nails are super long and lovely and begging for me to ruin them with polish. So. What do you say?


Screw my boring nails and check out this site I just found, holy cow: The Daily Nail. Now THAT is some nail painting people.

Also, the next time I decide to eat black licorice, oreos, hostess cakes and a half gallon of milk for dinner please beat me with something heavy. I don't care if I've been sick for two GD months, that doesn't make me RETARDED. GAH.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Let's talk about something other than the sick, shall we?

And maybe even try to have a cohesive theme?

Next March I am an attendant in my Gay ex-boyfriend from high school's wedding (old Hollywood, very posh, I am one of only four attendants total which I guess is the word the gays use for multipurpose best man/maid of honor title).

My boyfriend just called and said friends of his are getting married in late August (nice notice on that one geniuses) and OMG can he run out and get fitted for a tux to be in the wedding? Yesterday? I'm all for a fast, easy wedding but they gave him a month's notice. At least my gay friend has the class to give me almost a year notice. Then again, my boyfriend doesn't have to lose weight to look good in a suit and I don't want to be a satin sausage next year so...was my gay friend insinuating that I'm fat? Damnit.

Last summer was the first summer in my adult life that I didn't attend a wedding or two or five or eleventy million. I wasn't upset or anything, just surprised. No bad food? No awkward relative small talk? No quiet judgment/horror at the heavily religious tones in a wedding of two people who planned on holding an orgy in Burning Man later that summer? No having to shell out big bucks for a silly gift the happy couple would never un-box (breadmaker? really? and who makes enough home-made icecream EVER to justify a $250.00 pricetag? No one drinks from crystal anymore people, get your stemware at the dollar store like the rest of us) that would someday be sold at a garage sale for a dollar, still in box, when they split up? Awesome.

My trusty favorite wedding attire didn't make it out of the closet last summer. Yes, I have worn the same dress to several weddings but in my defense none of the weddings were in the same town, with the same group of people, or even with the same date, so said dress racked up plenty of mileage. It is a fabulous dress, totally unexpected yet fun and flattering and always lands me compliments even though the base color is yellow and yellow is SO not my color.

It fills me with joy when something can be worn multiple times. I am still looking forward to the day when I can find use for my old high school dance dresses, well, the ones that I didn't recycle into Halloween costumes (that and I couldn't fit a thigh into my old size zero goods but let us pretend, shall we? Perhaps I fashion them into something tasteful for my niece? Since only a six year old will ever fit into my old twee attire?). Sadly my go to wedding attire extraordinaire cannot be worn to the upcoming wedding in August. Said wedding ensemble (I have to come up with ways to describe it other than wedding dress because though it is a dress I wear to weddings it is clearly not a wedding dress) was worn two summers ago at a wedding that included people that will be at this wedding and though I know all those retarded bastards were tripping out of their minds on booze and other substances hence it is doubtful anyone will remember my dress I still cannot wear something to the same kind of function with the same kind of people twice. (Luckily the caliber of people at this wedding are better than the caliber of people at that wedding. Oh lord. That wedding was AWFUL. It permanently took a chunk out of my trust and faith in humanity.). Which

Jebus I hate the shopping.

Jebus I hate the shopping when I'm 40 pounds overweight. (60 pounds over what I weighed in highschool. GD double chin you are the bain of my existence).

Jebus I hate spending money on anything I'm not guaranteed I can wear again.

Jebus Jebus Jebus.

And lo though I am gaining on 30 and my boyfriend is right behind me and the betrothed for August are keeping pace as well my boyfriend has decided that tickets to the ultimate Metal show (testament, slayer, etc.) are the perfect gift for the happy couple. Even though the bride hates metal. Though, at least it isn't flatware or some other crap they'll never use.

So what is appropriate wedding wear for a summer wedding in a climate where it will be easily 100 degrees? Because maybe if I just sew all my old highschool dance dresses together it'll be big enough to wrap around me...

Hah! I didn't mention being STILL sick even once. Though I think it shows in my work. I am clearly a better writer than this, but you get the gist of things, and we can just pretend I had a cohesive ending.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

How many posts do I have with the title Allo? Can I just do it again? Allo.

Officially I have been sick since BEFORE memorial day and into the 4th of July. My illness has now spanned the only two three day weekends I get off for summer and to say that I am pissed, worried, exhausted, and more would be an understatement.

I am better. I can make it to to work, nap in my car at lunch, and make it home. I can't clean or shop or stay up past 7PM or anything crazy like all that, but I am better than I was before. I am miserable now because my body is wrecked. I'm exhausted and severely fatigued and getting better so slowly, so imperceptably, I fear it will be months before I've fully recovered. I don't know how to speed things along, if there were a way to do it, so I just lay in bed feeling my body turn to mush and cursing the broken garbage disposal that makes my apartment reek regardless of gallons of bleach and baking soda and vinegar poured down there yet mildly thankful that, hell, at least I can finally SMELL again.

And I have this to say: WTF? What the hell did I pick up? Why did I pick it up? Where did I pick it up from? Why does my immune system function like the baby bird that falls out of the nest and slowly hobbles about with broken wings until it dies alone or is eaten on the forrest floor? Why does something as innocuous as a cold lead to total immobility and crippling illness? Do I have to wear a SARS mask the rest of my life just so I can get around? Why do I have the compromised immune system of an 80 year old AIDS patient?

Gah. Enough. I cannot dwell on these things. I have to rally my strength and my focus on the daily grind of making it to work and grocery shopping on the weekend and pray that each day I'm a bit better. Better enough to do laundry. The next day perhaps better enough to blow dry my hair. Hope the next day I'm better enough to get up and start walking again, start being mobile again, but so afraid I'll relapse. I'm still carrying some lingering viral infection of hell and the meds wrecked my body so I'm in a super weakened state; even if my mind wants to get up and do things my body doesn't.

Totally unrelated: Does anyone genunely believe this thing between Katy Perry and Russell Brand is going to work out? And can anyone explain to me why I know who they both are even though I don't listen to her music and I've never seen his comedy?

Happy Fourth of July my fellow Americans. And for my friends out there who aren't of US origin happy summer! Please go out and hike or go the beach for me and send me psychic waves of outdoorsy summer joy. And an immune system, I'd really like one of those too.