Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Part Three: Time

Part three in my seven part series: “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”.


If you say 6 people will show up at 7. I used to be very, very upset sitting alone in my apartment at 6:45, insulted that even people who swore they would show up early to help are now not answering their phone and convinced that no one would show up at all. Now I understand that 6 means 7, but only if everything is ready and warm at 6. If I plan to start putting things out at 6:30 and still have curlers in my hair then 6 means 5:45.

I’m not being funny here, this is seriously true.

Imagine me, hair a-curler-ed up, wearing my sweater and spanx and nothing else, applying liquid eyeliner when my first guest arrived. At 5:45. Awesome.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Part Two: Beverages

Part two in my seven part series: “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”.

See part one below.


As you get older people already know what they want to drink. This isn’t a dorm party where people are just happy that you have booze. In many cases guests will bring what they want to drink even after you tell them that you will have a bartending college equivalent of beverages, mixers, and booze. So don’t bother.

Stick to one universal booze that you already like or can re-gift if it doesn’t get opened, like rum, have several bottles of cheap wine, and a couple six packs of non-offensive beer on hand. A soft drink or two is fine, but water or ice tea will suffice. You need not buy the following:

Diet Coke
Sprite Zero
Ginger Ale
Tonic Water
Cranberry Juice
Orange Juice
20 pound bag of ice
Bailey’s Irish cream
White Rum
Dark Rum
Spiced Rum
Fancy Vodka
Cheap Vodka
Cocktail olives
Pre-made Mojitos
Bottled water
10 bottles Red Wine
5 bottles White Wine

Because this is what will be consumed by 11 guests (excluding me and my boyfriend): 1 bottle red wine, 2 diets cokes, 3 waters. Everyone else actually shows up and brings their own drinks. WTF? If I asked them to bring their own drinks they would show up with handfuls of hay and perplexed looks on their faces (see food). Many of these people have been to my home numerous times before, I have never not had drinks to offer them, so when did stockpiling your own beverages become the thing to do?

One guy brought a mini cooler with his own (cheap) brand of beer. Another guy brought himself a full size sparkling pomegranate beverage and drank the whole thing himself. I understood the guest who brought his own Whiskey because you can see from the list above that that is one of the few things I did not buy but even he refused ice, and just sipped it warm from a glass. I HAVE NO IDEA what the heck this turn of events is about. Is this normal? Is this what late 20s early 30s people do now? Because I need to know before I even attempt to have another party.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Decorations and Food I can buy, where do I inquire about obtaining fun guests?

I present to you, my seven part series, “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”. If nothing else so that I have this stuff recorded somewhere in case a year once again renders total amnesia on my part and I try to go about things without careful examination of what actually works.

Let’s begin with the best part of any gathering; at least, you hope it is. I saw a billboard for a super cheap and crappy “Mexican” fast food chain offering a party pack for $8.99, essentially 6 meat tacos (the meat is your guess) and 6 bean burritos in a handy cardboard carrying case to make catering your next party a breeze. If my parties continue to go the way they do don’t think I won’t strongly consider this option next year.


Most advice columns and articles geared toward hosting informal holiday gatherings say that the host should make things easier on themselves by requesting that the guests each bring a dish or an appetizer to share; thus cutting down on the amount of food the host is responsible for buying and preparing.

I have tried this.

It is a lie.

Guests who swear they are coming and bringing x item with them and can they also bring 3 friends since they are definitely coming will not only not show up but they will also leave a void for the guests that do show up by not bringing the item they were supposed to bring.

Guests are unreliable.

Guests are liars (this is important and will be repeated again).

Guests will bring pizza after you explicitly stated in email and on the invitation that you are providing gourmet pizza. They will do this even after they tell you they are bringing deviled eggs.

If you rely on guests to fill in the food spaces the rest of your guests will starve. People who swear to bring meatballs, shrimp, guacamole, chips, bruchetta and more will, if they even attend, show up carrying the same box of Trader Joe’s assorted cookies. You will have 78 of these boxes by the end of the night.

I do not know why.

I only know this, the cardinal rule of party food: If you plan to host you absolutely cannot depend on people to bring what they say they will; much less to bring something that will round out the menu you wind up having to plan (because people are slackers and they suck and why are you attempting this social stuff anyway? Really? Because no one else ever seems to be on the holiday party wagon and maybe they all figured out a long time ago that spending the equivalent of your rent to keep 11 people entertained for four hours is really, really not worth it).

Also, veggies and dip never get eaten. The dip does, the veggies don’t. Save yourself the wilted snap peas and broccoli, throw out a handful of baby carrots and be done with it.

Monday, December 21, 2009


Does the way Google changes its logo up for various seasons/events/days delight anyone else the way it does me? It always makes me smile.

I have bits of posts written that need to be cleaned up and edited which I will post once typing doesn't hurt so much. If said items don't get posted before the holidays please have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (or at least enjoy work sanctioned days off, which I hope you all get).

Much love,


Friday, December 18, 2009


I’m cleared to go back to my regular tasks on “light duty” which means no bending, lifting, crawling, or twisting. Essentially I get to sit at a desk, all alone, in a virtually empty office at a different location and take care of light duty work requests as they come in.

I like being alone but I fear I will fall asleep if I don’t have some stimulation. I can guarantee that I will fall asleep if I take any of the meds I have for pain or muscle spasm so unfortunately I can’t take anything to take the edge off the pain. Tylenol is like spitting into a lake, it doesn’t make even a smidge of a noticeable difference, and I can’t take ibuprofen due to a previously ruptured ulcer.

So I sit.

And hurt.

Alone under fluorescent lights.

My life is not quite what I’d imagined it would be.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Tuesday? Aughghghghgh

Sweet Jebus it can't be just Tuesday, I went the whole day convinced it was Wednesday. This does not bode well...

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Nothing like...

Another damn neck injury.

At least this time I have a badly sprained hip to keep it company.

I'm really, super, major ticked off that I slipped but I have to keep reminding myself that it could be worse. I was doing just that (No broken bones! No spine damage! I can stand up!) when I heard that a friend of a friend slipped on the ice the same day as me but she somehow wound up with internal bleeding so...yeah. I'll keep my complaining (the pain!) down to a minimum.

My holiday party was yesterday and the weather cooperated by snowing like mad in a place where we get an inch of snow at a time, tops. People had to cancel because they were snowed in but I still had an okay turnout. Here is the thing: What do you do about the awkward couple that is bickering? The whole time? And not so much just bickering, but really making things uncomfortable? What do you do if you've known this couple for years and things have been getting worse for a long time but you can't say anything because, seriously, who is able to say anything in this scenario? He doesn't beat her but he sure isn't nice to her and now she's starting to talk back which makes for all kinds of awkward. I had just secretly hoped that he wouldn't show, but he did, and it caused weirdness. I don't think it is quite my place to get involved, because I can't bad mouth her husband to her face, so at most I'm just supportive of her and I stay out of it, right? Or is there some polite and firm way to be like "yikes you guys totally bummed out like 8 other people the other night, maybe consider not doing things together in public anymore" (and girlfriend he's emotionally abusive, leave him)?

Yeah. We always say we want our friends to be totally honest with us but when it comes right down to it when is the line for honesty drawn? Another friend just cancelled his wedding because she left him and all of his friends let out a big THANK GOD because we could not stand the woman. She was a nightmare. At one point we all chimed in a bit, not much, and guess what? He essentially stopped talking to us for 6 years. Now that she's gone (we hope) he's socializing and doing things that make him happy again, yet if we even breathe the words that maybe this is for the best he would probably stop talking to us all again. You say you want your friends to tell you if you're doing a bad thing but do you? Or do people just have to make their own mistakes while friends stand sportively, and silently, by?

On to an entirely unrelated topic: My damn hair won't hold a curl anymore. It used to curl up nicely with the aide of a curling iron and now it hardly holds a wave. I haven't changed anything, I usually wash my hair about every third day and I do use the same conditioner almost exclusively, but switch around on shampoo. My hair is highlighted and semi-healthy, I only heat style once a week or less now. Google won't tell me what is up, any ideas?

Monday, December 7, 2009

No real post for you! But maybe some soup.

Mish mash of things going on since I can't be bothered to actually write anything:

Or actually, I am in AGONY and may not be writing anything again for awhile because you know what is particularly awesome with a chronic neck injury? The person who said slipping cartoon style, feet over head, and landing on their back in a parking lot wins. I'm looped on muscle relaxers and praying this does not get any worse, the least of which would be dealing with workmans comp, I'm not even as stressed about the pain as I am about the potential beurocratic hell.

I'm supposedly having my annual holiday party this Saturday, pray that my neck is better, or everyone gets to sit on pile of clean laundry (it hurts to even think about folding it much less putting it away right now) and they are eating damn sqeeze cheese from those aerosol cans because I'm not cooking squat.

Still hate my job. Still don't know what the hell I'm doing with my life. Here I am, with bonafied wrinkles and everything, and I haven't done a thing. What is my purpose? How am I supposed to help? How can I make the world a better place? These thoughts have been nearly overpowering lately and only with the aid of meds can I share them with you.

Go read The Happiness Project. Very, very good stuff. Especially the interview bits where people wish they could tell their younger selves that happiness is internal, not external, and that things and accomplishments won't neccesarily make you happier if you hadn't already worked on your well being to begin with. This is a book I will definately be buying (full price no less!) and something I want to explore further, hopefully when the shooting pain and muscle spasms stop.

I'm looking forward to my party this weekend even if people have to come over in filth and bring their own food. Must be a sign of maturity: some social things are getting easier for me because I'm actually learning to be chill about them and not stress. Cut to panicked blog post Satruday afternoon where I am weeping and telling you that I just can't handle it, but let us pretend shall we?

I have more but I hurt. Be good. Pray to the neck gods for me.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

These Boots Were Made For Display Only

Because they certaily weren't made for walking, much less wearing.

I have been literally pining over this one pair of boots for, like, half a decade. At least as long as I have seen them in a certain catalog which I know has been several seasons now. I finally broke down, with the help of awesome coupon codes and birthday money, and bought said boots for myself.

Never mind that I have absolutely nothing to wear them with.

Never mind that I can’t even afford to buy anything to wear them with.

Never mind that they didn’t have size 6 so I had to go up to 6.5 (thick wool socks!).

Never mind that it is stupid to spend money on something like this when really what I need are work shoes without holes in them or bras that aren’t going to give my ribcage tetanus or a damn replacement retainer for my upper teeth since I lost the last one. NO! Never mind all that!


Pshhhhh. Guilt aside from my stupid purchase I’ve been anxiously awaiting their arrival for over a week now. They showed up today. They aren’t quite as cute as they are in the picture, the tread on them is atrocious for folks like me who live in a climate where snow will show up and frankly they are made more cheaply than I would have thought, but whatever, fine. I have my boots.

Boots that won’t ZIP UP MY DAMN CALF.

Are you freaking kidding me? I’ve got NORMAL legs; all my fat is carried oh so sexily in the spare tire region making pants impossible to zip up, not shoes (why can’t the fat just move to my boobs?).

I’ve owned many a pair of boots before, some even knee high, that have no problems zipping up my calf. I’ve tried on many a pair of boots before, of every style, and none have ever had issues zipping up around my calf. These boots are ridiculous. I don’t know whether to be happy to have the excuse to send them back and hence not carry the guilt for my stupid purchase around or whether to be damn ticked off that they are total crap and clearly not designed for the human form. Sure, a skinny model who has pin legs can wear them in the photo but us mere mortals can’t expect to wear them at all.

I would maybe consider googling “how to stretch out boots” to see if I could avoid the hassle of sending them back but I don’t need them to just fit my bare leg; I imagined myself wearing them over those skinny jeans that the kids are so crazy about these days. Or perhaps with thick tights and a skirt. Not that I own thick tights, a winter skirt, or skinny jeans but I’m allowed my fantasies, yes? These won’t zip over freshly saved legs; I can’t imagine how they’ll ever fit over wool or denim. I’m just so bummed.

Know anyone with bird legs that wears 6.5 American size shoe that wants overpriced boots to compliment their wardrobe this year? Bah. If you need me I’ll be quietly weeping on the inside and hollering at the catalog returns folks. I’m not paying to return something that is clearly shoddy workmanship to begin with.