Thursday, November 15, 2007

I'm dreaming of a Silent Christmas; Or, Sleighbells Ring one more time and I'ma gonna get all crazy up in here

Let's compromise. I understand that the economy relies heavily on sales during this time of year, particularly holiday sales. I know that the name "Black Friday" for the shopping day after Thanksgiving does not refer to the sheer insanity of the entire nation piling into department stores and stabbing each other over sweater sales but rather to when accounting was done in ink and having your ledger balance represented by black rather than red meant you were finally out of the negative on your books. I've processed the message that consumerism stops terrorism and that buying name brand goods is the most patriotic thing I can do.

But you have made me hate Christmas music. And I hate the fact that Christmas goods are coming out in early September now and that stores are playing Christmas songs before the left over Halloween candy has had time to be marked down.

I can't handle two straight months of holiday tunes in every store I frequent.

I just can't.

It didn't used to be this way, therefore, I propose a solution; one that will keep me from boycotting this and all holiday seasons in the future and one that won't hurt your sales: Hold out on the damn Holiday items until six weeks before the appropriate holiday and NO FUCKING CHRISTMAS SONGS UNTIL DECEMBER FIRST. Is that too much to ask? I think not. Less is more my friends. Create demand. If diamonds paved the streets and came baked in bread they wouldn't be so damn precious would they? Make people want to buy your goods. Make people storm the stores at the end of November to snap up the precious goods you were keeping locked up until six weeks due time. I bet your sales will increase. The law of scarce goods and demand! My high school econ teacher was a drunken hippy who played Pink Floyd in ever single class and I still grasp the basics!

In trying to cram holiday cheer down my throat every year you have managed to instead motivate me to not buy a Christmas tree ever in my adult life, stop buying wrapping paper and use paper grocery bags instead, not buy any holiday themed crap whatsoever and punch every person I see carrying a red seasonal starbucks cup. That's right bitches, you're driving away a perfectly happy consumer.

I'm a single professional with a huge list of guilt gifts to buy. I'm the perfect demographic: young, free, and supposedly drowning in disposable income. Frankly you're just being fuckwits with the bloody Christmas crap out way too early and crammed in my face for way too long. You're doing this to a person who used to throw a huge carolling party every year. You've grinched me out and I can't be the only one. In an effort to somehow trick us into buying more I do believe you are creating a huge subset of people who are going to tell your singing Santa stuffed toys, out in time for labor day, to go Ho Ho Fuck themselves.

I see that it is only a matter of time before all holidays are conglomerated into a three month long Easter/Hanukkah/Stuff your fat face/toy orgy as foretold in Futurama. Which, whatever. Pick a decade to do it and put it on the books. Then I know which months to spend tending to my rock collection in Siberia. However, until said time I am doing all my shopping all the Dollar Store, the only retail outlet IN THE WHOLE CITY that hasn't already started in on the Christmas music bullshit. Granted, I'm going to be eating expired canned peaches and knock off candy (Tootsie Smolls) for the next couple of months but it is worth it just to not give any of you my business. If you won't comply with the plan layed out above you can bet that by next year I'll be growing tubers and grain in boxes on my balcony just to avoid having to shop in your horrid establishments for the quarter of a year in which you insist in covering your checkout stands in tinsel.

I think you'd be wise to listen to me. My argument is very clear, I offer a great compromise, and you don't want me taking more people with me. I have a blog people, I am obviously very important and influential. I also have matches and gasoline.

Either way, it is your choice. We don't want things to get ugly do we?


sallyacious said...

My god, I love your rants.

Thank you.

Maya said...

AWESOME. Yes! Totally! and other words of agreement.

It's so bad that I admit it: I was PLEASED to see that Nordstrom has a sign up in their window that said something to the effect of "One holiday at a time. We won't be decorating until 11.23. Happy Thanksgiving"

Of course, I am Scrooge...but still GIVE IT A REST PEOPLE! No more 'mint flavored chocolate"/holiday spice - blaaaagh stuff, please! I beg! And Eris agrees with me and she should be the President (because frankly, m'dear, you'd do a waaaay better job than that guy....with both hands tied behind your back)

So@24 said...

Im totally stealing "fuckwit" from you.

Kudos on the Futurama reference.

Andy said...

Does my opinion count here? I mean, they don't play "my"' holiday music anywhere?

I really really really really hate X-Mas music. I always have. And the fact that the songs are becoming more "catchy" and so much more politically correct/neutral makes me heave holiday desserts. Like you, I cannot stand to be in a store playing anything relating to the holiday season.

And where's my Jew music, huh? Where's my fucking dreidel song? Where's my Hava Nagila? Where's my eight days off of work or school?!

Yeah, that's right. Enough said. Stupid holidays. Grumble grumble grumble (last grumble slightly incoherent).

Dan said...

Would this be a bad time to wish you a Happy easter?

Anonymous said...

Yes. Yes. and Yes. Put down the gasoline and matches, sweetie...