Saturday, January 24, 2009

One step forward, half a step back? Maybe?

I'm not sure how to quantify 2008. When I look at cold, hard facts it was both a year of positive change and forward growth but also a year of great sadness, difficulty, and major issues.

My Grandmother passed away and the next day I nearly died.
But this drove me to attempt to live life in the moment and try things I wouldn't have done before.

I got out of the crippling debt that has haunted me for years, mostly.
But I jumped right into a car payment that has me cursing the lack of public transportation in this county daily.

I listened to my therapist and let myself be vulnerable in my relationship. (Gah, how new world, I bet tribe people in the rain forest don't have to let themselves "be vulnerable") (GAH, but I bet tribe people in the freaking rain forest don't have to deal with the same caliber of baggage western culture dumps on us, discussions about drug use, pornography, previous relationships etc.)(Cripes I wonder if I could survive in the rain forest?) This is a big, big thing for me and even if I walk away getting really, really hurt I know that it wasn't my fault and that I tried.

I maintained a new romantic relationship in 2008 but I wish I'd made more friends. I don't know how to make friends but I wish I had tried, again, even if it is always an exercise in frustration. Damn, actually, I just wish being social didn't give me the heebie jeebies in my stomach and make me want to hide in my closet. Take tonight for instance. I have an actual eVite to go to an actual get together to potentially meet some new people and I can't even bring myself to shower I'm so damn shaken. I wish in 2008 I could have gotten over my social phobia. Sometimes it is worse than other times and right now? It is super powerful. I should just go, I know, even if it sucks, and what am I afraid of but rational thought doesn't ally my fears.

Theoretically, If I hadn't been one walking health disaster after another and half crippled for most of the year I really, really wish I'd gotten more exercise in 2008. Much like the mental block that freaks me out about social situations I seem to have developed a huge mental block against exercise. Even if I could go jogging without hurting myself right now I don't know if I'd do it. The exercise motivation widget ran off (heh) with my damn social situation abilities.

I do focus on the accomplishments of 2008 but that makes me yearn much more powerfully to have truly meaningful accomplishments in 2009. I want to get healthy and lose 25 pounds. I want to see friends more often and do fun social things. I want to make money and keep digging out of debt. I want to save money and build for my retirement future. I want to make strides toward a fulfilling and meaningful career and get out of my J O B. I want to have healthy relationships and attitudes toward my family so that I'm not drained and crazy every time I have contact with them. I want to maintain my individuality and sanity while being in a mature, mutually respectful relationship.

But right now? I just want an excuse to not go to this thing tonight. How can so much of me want what is good while the little part that needs to hide always wins?

What do you want for 2008?

4 comments:

HollowSquirrel said...

OK, shoot. I wish I would have gotten to my google reader before now to say SHOWER AND GO OUT! Even if you just stay for seven minutes. Maybe that should be your goal. Shower, dress and go. Stay 5 minutes for your first time out and talk to one person. If after 5 minutes and one person, you're done, then leave. Next time? Go for 10 minutes and talk to 2 people? Is that too much?

sallyacious said...

I know what you mean about social situations. If it's with new people, I always have such a hard time getting enthusiastic about it. But I also usually have fun once I go.

Is there any way you can apply the attitudes that made you friends online to real life situations? (If you figure out how, let me know so I can try it too, k?)

The CEO said...

You need to read melsdream.blogspot.com

chollyson said...

That part of the rain forest is so freaking true it's not even funny. Except for it was funny. Well done.