Saturday, January 17, 2009

Because Columbia can Suck It. And because sometimes, knowing someone out there believes in you, is the most powerful thing in the world.

For Sallyacious, my loooooooong over due tag:

7 things not known about me by whom, exactly? The world wide web or truly secret secrets that no one at all knows? Because I don’t know if I have that many. I shall try.

1. I still prefer to sleep with my baby blanket. If it is not available I sleep with a scarf or sweatshirt around my neck. I have to have something around my neck to sleep. Perhaps I was a vampire victim in a previous life? No idea, but it took years to wean off of the actual baby blanket and now it is practically paper thin. I fear one day it will simply disintegrate and honestly, that day, a little piece of me will die along with it.

2. I don’t paint my toenails. Ever. I like my toenails to be clean and short and shaped nice and I hate the look of polish on other people’s toes. I received a compliment once, years ago, that my toenails looked nice because they weren’t painted, and that has stuck with me ever since. Odd how sometimes one little compliment can influence your life so much, yes?

3. I don’t decorate my desks at work, or bring in personal items, so that if I ever have to storm out for any reason I don’t have to come back to collect my things.

4. I have never stormed out of a job. Though heaven knows I have had more than enough reason to. Still, I’m a white collar schmuck with a useless degree(s) so I guess I’m lucky with whatever I get and shouldn’t ever complain. The economy is such that I should be happy with what I’ve got and shut up already (so much easier typed than done).

5. Relationships, or the prospect thereof, frighten me and make me sad. I feel that our current state of society makes it nearly impossible for people to connect in long term meaningful ways, that it demeans monogamy, and in turn negates all the wonderful things that can come from a strong lifetime relationship. I think that things like internet pornography are truly damaging and hurtful to both men and women but I find that I am in the minority when I try to speak out so instead I fear I will spend my life alone because there are no men left who A) want commitment B) don’t consider internet smut to be damaging and C) find beauty in age. I will not be left in my 40s for someone met in a chat room much less a 22 year old found in a coffee house but I don’t know how to prevent it or even find someone in accordance and that, among other things, is what breaks my heart a little each day. And don’t go commenting if you think that porn is harmless blah blah I know your point: I’ve heard it a million times. That doesn’t change the real first hand damage I see it do to people and relationships, so comment elsewhere.

6. I want kids only because I can’t see a future, if I am lucky enough to make it, when I am elderly without them. But that is all. I don’t see having them or raising them or affording them, and I’m infertile, so I had to give up on the idea of carrying them ages ago. Hence, I don’t actually want kids. At all. Is it possible to adopt adult children when I am elderly?

7. If I were 20 pounds thinner right now I think I would be happier. Read: I think I would be, but in reality, I probably wouldn’t be. Happiness is a state of mind that has more to do with what you choose to feel rather than outside influences. Therefore I choose to be happy as I am now, regardless of weight, and I’m not going to beat myself up. I only have the choice in this moment, at this time, and unless I’m going to jump up from my desk chair and run across the united states, eating blades of grass and drinking rain water along the way, I’m not losing these 20 lbs anytime soon, so I’m happy where I am. Though damn, it would be wicked awesome to just take off like that, wouldn’t it? I’m not sure how my car payments would get made though…

Addendum to 7: I wrote the above a couple weeks ago and I’m in a pissy, super bad mood today. My ten year reunion is coming up (f that) and though I don’t want to go (it is 7 months away) (5 months now...SH!T) it has been a craptastic month and I’m freaking out about the fact that I’ve packed on 30lbs since high school that I can’t seem to lose and I’m stuck in a stupid city in a crappy job and… and…and, well, you get the picture. Hence, I am not, at this precise moment in time, super happy with being 20lbs overweight, and if someone walked up to me right now with a handful of amphetamines I would strongly consider taking them do get skinny. NOW.


This doesn’t negate #7; it just goes to show you that I am like Tinkerbell, and apparently can only feel one emotion at a time. Right now that emotion is hateful crazy unhappy self and world loathing. I am working on making the next moment better.

Addendum Addendum (added in 2009)
Now we’re looking at 30 pounds. Good gob. Somebody slap this whopper out of my hand and tie me to a treadmill.


sallyacious said...

Look at you, posting!

It was so lovely to chat with you the other day. I keep meaning to answer your email and then keep not yet knowing what I want to say. But I am trying to figure that out, so expect an email from me sometime.

I am the exact opposite of you, toenail polish-wise. I cannot stand to have my toenails bare. I am forever dropping things on my toes or staining the nails odd colors by digging them into the dirt as I garden, and polish hides a MULTITUDE of sins (and bruises). So while I can certainly understand your attitude re: the tootsies, it's just not a practical solution for me. It's one of my few girly attributes.

I meant what I said in my post, by the way. I'm really okay with not getting the job. I'd love to teach in the program, but I don't want to be teaching full time.

Eris said...

I know you mean what you say, and this actually opens the opportunity to travel for you, which makes me green with envy.

You know what else? It has been so damn long since I blogged that I can't remember the name/password to comment on your site and I am too stubborn to get another so I am going to keep trying random combinations until I get it right.

sallyacious said...

You don't need a password to comment on my site anymore. Just comment.

I'm so glad you're posting again. I've missed your voice.

Anonymous said...