Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Let's talk about something other than the sick, shall we?

And maybe even try to have a cohesive theme?

Next March I am an attendant in my Gay ex-boyfriend from high school's wedding (old Hollywood, very posh, I am one of only four attendants total which I guess is the word the gays use for multipurpose best man/maid of honor title).

My boyfriend just called and said friends of his are getting married in late August (nice notice on that one geniuses) and OMG can he run out and get fitted for a tux to be in the wedding? Yesterday? I'm all for a fast, easy wedding but they gave him a month's notice. At least my gay friend has the class to give me almost a year notice. Then again, my boyfriend doesn't have to lose weight to look good in a suit and I don't want to be a satin sausage next year so...was my gay friend insinuating that I'm fat? Damnit.

Last summer was the first summer in my adult life that I didn't attend a wedding or two or five or eleventy million. I wasn't upset or anything, just surprised. No bad food? No awkward relative small talk? No quiet judgment/horror at the heavily religious tones in a wedding of two people who planned on holding an orgy in Burning Man later that summer? No having to shell out big bucks for a silly gift the happy couple would never un-box (breadmaker? really? and who makes enough home-made icecream EVER to justify a $250.00 pricetag? No one drinks from crystal anymore people, get your stemware at the dollar store like the rest of us) that would someday be sold at a garage sale for a dollar, still in box, when they split up? Awesome.

My trusty favorite wedding attire didn't make it out of the closet last summer. Yes, I have worn the same dress to several weddings but in my defense none of the weddings were in the same town, with the same group of people, or even with the same date, so said dress racked up plenty of mileage. It is a fabulous dress, totally unexpected yet fun and flattering and always lands me compliments even though the base color is yellow and yellow is SO not my color.

It fills me with joy when something can be worn multiple times. I am still looking forward to the day when I can find use for my old high school dance dresses, well, the ones that I didn't recycle into Halloween costumes (that and I couldn't fit a thigh into my old size zero goods but let us pretend, shall we? Perhaps I fashion them into something tasteful for my niece? Since only a six year old will ever fit into my old twee attire?). Sadly my go to wedding attire extraordinaire cannot be worn to the upcoming wedding in August. Said wedding ensemble (I have to come up with ways to describe it other than wedding dress because though it is a dress I wear to weddings it is clearly not a wedding dress) was worn two summers ago at a wedding that included people that will be at this wedding and though I know all those retarded bastards were tripping out of their minds on booze and other substances hence it is doubtful anyone will remember my dress I still cannot wear something to the same kind of function with the same kind of people twice. (Luckily the caliber of people at this wedding are better than the caliber of people at that wedding. Oh lord. That wedding was AWFUL. It permanently took a chunk out of my trust and faith in humanity.). Which

Jebus I hate the shopping.

Jebus I hate the shopping when I'm 40 pounds overweight. (60 pounds over what I weighed in highschool. GD double chin you are the bain of my existence).

Jebus I hate spending money on anything I'm not guaranteed I can wear again.

Jebus Jebus Jebus.

And lo though I am gaining on 30 and my boyfriend is right behind me and the betrothed for August are keeping pace as well my boyfriend has decided that tickets to the ultimate Metal show (testament, slayer, etc.) are the perfect gift for the happy couple. Even though the bride hates metal. Though, at least it isn't flatware or some other crap they'll never use.

So what is appropriate wedding wear for a summer wedding in a climate where it will be easily 100 degrees? Because maybe if I just sew all my old highschool dance dresses together it'll be big enough to wrap around me...

Hah! I didn't mention being STILL sick even once. Though I think it shows in my work. I am clearly a better writer than this, but you get the gist of things, and we can just pretend I had a cohesive ending.

1 comment:

Breathe Gently said...

I'm really boring and always go with black tones. YES I WEAR BLACK TO WEDDINGS. I hate colours and they make me look awful, with 50lbs to lose. Boo. :(

I find most weddings awkward even when planning my own. I'm just NOT a wedding kind of girl. *gasp*