Saturday, July 31, 2010

I have 70 bottles of nail polish and I paint my nails twice a year, tops

Right hand:

I have no retirement account.

I have hardly any savings.

I have student loan debt to the tune of 25k.

In my life I've paid off 50k in medical debt, easily. And my monthly meds are more than my rent.

I have a $350.00 month car payment that will last another five years.

I have no equity.

I own no gold.

I have no rich elderly relatives.

I do not buy lottery tickets.

I just took another pay cut at work.

I'm 28 and I've never not been broke.

Ergo, the obvious conclusion is: I have a consultation for botox next Tuesday.

Because clearly, I am a big freaking idiot. A broke, this close to living on the street, lucky to have a job yet unvelieveably shallow idiot.

Because I am not adding a goddamn forehead wrinkle to the mess above.

Left hand:

I lined up all my polish in ROYGBIV order (visible color spectrum) on one of my bookshelves so you could see my shame. Not only the shame of owning so many polishes and never using them (some are from over ten years ago but still working) but I should also mention the shame in that that isn't my "good" book shelf, I have several and this one just happens to be the catch all for books that I wasn't crazy about but haven't gotten rid of yet, or perhaps books that I do like but are too ugly to be displayed with other books. That and my super awesome autographed photo of Michael Palin:

While taking the above photo I totally spaced and forgot to take the photos of me and the boyfriend kissing, on vacation, etc, down so I had to retake the shot later. I try to keep this blog anonymous, yo. So if you notice that I left something retarded like my birth certificate or drivers license or global coordinates to my condo in the photo will you please let me know?

You wanted pictures, you got pictures. These are my real nails, thank you to Sallyacious for suggesting that my nails were probably dry and needed a good oil or cream, now I use Burt's Bees Cuticle Cream which really helps. I'm also glad I took the picture today because now the left middle nail is cracking and going to snap off at any moment, the nails may look all purty but they're about to implode.

As for the botox it is seriously just a free consultation. For now. I want to learn all I can about injecting poison into my face using money I don't have to desperately cling on to a youth I didn't much like so that I don't obsess while I fall asleep at night over my freaking forehead wrinkle of doom and creep people in my age range out by staring at their foreheads. At least I'm not going out and buying more damn nail polish, seriously.

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