Officially I have been sick since BEFORE memorial day and into the 4th of July. My illness has now spanned the only two three day weekends I get off for summer and to say that I am pissed, worried, exhausted, and more would be an understatement.
I am better. I can make it to to work, nap in my car at lunch, and make it home. I can't clean or shop or stay up past 7PM or anything crazy like all that, but I am better than I was before. I am miserable now because my body is wrecked. I'm exhausted and severely fatigued and getting better so slowly, so imperceptably, I fear it will be months before I've fully recovered. I don't know how to speed things along, if there were a way to do it, so I just lay in bed feeling my body turn to mush and cursing the broken garbage disposal that makes my apartment reek regardless of gallons of bleach and baking soda and vinegar poured down there yet mildly thankful that, hell, at least I can finally SMELL again.
And I have this to say: WTF? What the hell did I pick up? Why did I pick it up? Where did I pick it up from? Why does my immune system function like the baby bird that falls out of the nest and slowly hobbles about with broken wings until it dies alone or is eaten on the forrest floor? Why does something as innocuous as a cold lead to total immobility and crippling illness? Do I have to wear a SARS mask the rest of my life just so I can get around? Why do I have the compromised immune system of an 80 year old AIDS patient?
Gah. Enough. I cannot dwell on these things. I have to rally my strength and my focus on the daily grind of making it to work and grocery shopping on the weekend and pray that each day I'm a bit better. Better enough to do laundry. The next day perhaps better enough to blow dry my hair. Hope the next day I'm better enough to get up and start walking again, start being mobile again, but so afraid I'll relapse. I'm still carrying some lingering viral infection of hell and the meds wrecked my body so I'm in a super weakened state; even if my mind wants to get up and do things my body doesn't.
Totally unrelated: Does anyone genunely believe this thing between Katy Perry and Russell Brand is going to work out? And can anyone explain to me why I know who they both are even though I don't listen to her music and I've never seen his comedy?
Happy Fourth of July my fellow Americans. And for my friends out there who aren't of US origin happy summer! Please go out and hike or go the beach for me and send me psychic waves of outdoorsy summer joy. And an immune system, I'd really like one of those too.