Tuesday, December 1, 2009

These Boots Were Made For Display Only

Because they certaily weren't made for walking, much less wearing.

I have been literally pining over this one pair of boots for, like, half a decade. At least as long as I have seen them in a certain catalog which I know has been several seasons now. I finally broke down, with the help of awesome coupon codes and birthday money, and bought said boots for myself.

Never mind that I have absolutely nothing to wear them with.

Never mind that I can’t even afford to buy anything to wear them with.

Never mind that they didn’t have size 6 so I had to go up to 6.5 (thick wool socks!).

Never mind that it is stupid to spend money on something like this when really what I need are work shoes without holes in them or bras that aren’t going to give my ribcage tetanus or a damn replacement retainer for my upper teeth since I lost the last one. NO! Never mind all that!


Pshhhhh. Guilt aside from my stupid purchase I’ve been anxiously awaiting their arrival for over a week now. They showed up today. They aren’t quite as cute as they are in the picture, the tread on them is atrocious for folks like me who live in a climate where snow will show up and frankly they are made more cheaply than I would have thought, but whatever, fine. I have my boots.

Boots that won’t ZIP UP MY DAMN CALF.

Are you freaking kidding me? I’ve got NORMAL legs; all my fat is carried oh so sexily in the spare tire region making pants impossible to zip up, not shoes (why can’t the fat just move to my boobs?).

I’ve owned many a pair of boots before, some even knee high, that have no problems zipping up my calf. I’ve tried on many a pair of boots before, of every style, and none have ever had issues zipping up around my calf. These boots are ridiculous. I don’t know whether to be happy to have the excuse to send them back and hence not carry the guilt for my stupid purchase around or whether to be damn ticked off that they are total crap and clearly not designed for the human form. Sure, a skinny model who has pin legs can wear them in the photo but us mere mortals can’t expect to wear them at all.

I would maybe consider googling “how to stretch out boots” to see if I could avoid the hassle of sending them back but I don’t need them to just fit my bare leg; I imagined myself wearing them over those skinny jeans that the kids are so crazy about these days. Or perhaps with thick tights and a skirt. Not that I own thick tights, a winter skirt, or skinny jeans but I’m allowed my fantasies, yes? These won’t zip over freshly saved legs; I can’t imagine how they’ll ever fit over wool or denim. I’m just so bummed.

Know anyone with bird legs that wears 6.5 American size shoe that wants overpriced boots to compliment their wardrobe this year? Bah. If you need me I’ll be quietly weeping on the inside and hollering at the catalog returns folks. I’m not paying to return something that is clearly shoddy workmanship to begin with.

1 comment:

Sallyacious said...

Man, that's annoying. Because those boots are SWEET-looking. I have been lusting after a similar pair myself, but with three pair of cowboy boots in varying colors and styles, I can't really justify the purchase of another set.

Good luck with the returns process. You deserve something you really like and can wear as a birthday present. (Since you spent birthday money on them, that makes them a birthday present in my book.)

Verification word: frivited Which I assume is how you describe something you used a bedazzler on. "What a sparkly jacket. It's so frivited."