You know it’s time to distract yourself with something else when you spend over an hour (at work) looking up various gummi candies on Amazon (Jelly Babies, Wine Gummys, Haribo Jellies, Jujyfruits) and can’t seem to stop yourself. I want to whip out the credit card, order every variety, and eat my way through pounds and pounds of corn syrup, food coloring, and gelatin.
This is not good.
For nearly a week I’ve been stuck at XX2.4. I’ve been getting activity, limiting my calories to 1400 a day but not starving myself (technically, I guess) and eating healthy but MAN! I want to bury my face in some damn Jelly Babies right now. I want to wear a brown trench coat with a long striped scarf and pull out wax paper baggies packed to the brim with them. I want to stuff my mouth full of the black Jujyfruits, which are the best kind, and bite the heads of of gummi bears like a French revolution caught in candies. I don’t just want to go to Candyland, damnit, I want to annihilate gumdrop palace and eat all the goods inside.
Strange to see what cravings my body puts me through.
I’ve learned that I shouldn’t “starve” myself. If I let myself get all hungry then my body thinks it is in a famine and fights harder to conserve calories. Today, in particular, this is an issue because right now I’m hungrier than all out and I have to eat something but it is 4 hours until dinner and I’d hoped to save my calories for then. Ah well. Have to suck it up, eat an orange, and stop shaking.
My weight loss progress has been slow. This will be the end of week three of real dieting coming up and I’ve only lost about 6 pounds. Okay, so that is ideal, I know, about 2 pounds a week, but for me it feels like torture. I’m not sure I can do eight more weeks of daily salads while increasing my workout intensity but I’m going to have to if I expect to atcually lose this weight.
I really want to see movement on the scale so I’ve contemplated dropping my calories to 1200 for a week but that is impractical and nearly impossible, plus I’m worried that my body would freak out and convert all the lettuce I’m eating into saddle bags. (I did the 1200 cals a day thing once upon a time, with the HMR program, and yes, I lost weight. But I was gassy and cranky and tired and insane much of the time, the program was costly, and I gained weight back the second I ate one Cheerio).
I know that in my adult life I’ve been 10 pounds less than this. In my early adult life, not courting the time I got back from overseas and weighted 98 pounds, I’ve weighed far less than this. It’s strange because I can’t even imagine 10 pounds ago. I know it happened, I know it was there, and yet, why the hell did I let myself get back here? Why oh Why oh Why is the glory of a cheeseburger with onion rings and a malted worth more in the moment than my longer term health and happiness?
And why does my body think that pounds of gelatinized artificial syrup goo constitutes nutrients? Frankly, I blame my body for this. It is the one that makes me look at candy online all day, it should know better. It should take the damn carrots and cauliflower I gave it two hours ago and be delighted.