Thursday, February 26, 2009

Tipsy Blogging

Ah Internet.

I have been hitting the bottle.

So this is bound to be discombobulated rambling.

I don't have an eating problem, I have an emotional problem. I don't face/deal with emotions and instead I eat to cover them up. This is sorta a relief, actually, knowing that food isn't really the issue: my current inability to face issues like an adult is. I bet the majority of adults don't face emotions well and that everyone had a crutch they lean on and mine is food.

That and my self image is jacked up. I look at myself as a failure and a loser and fat. So guess what? I subconscientiously mold myself to fit that perception. Self fulfilling prophecy.

I'm getting much better at the emotion deal though, therapy and introspection helps. But when I have to face really scary things I just break down.

I didn't work out this morning.

I ate fast food twice today.

I know.

I'm scared, primarily, about the boy. My family is a mess, I'm likely losing my job this summer, I still have no savings, I'm overweight and overwhelmed and pissed that I'm this close to 30 and still a fuck up but the boy thing is what is really getting me right now.

I'm scared.

I really like this one. Or, I did, but we have our issues. For the first time in my life I started thinking in terms of "us" instead of me and what it would take to survive. I started to see a future together, wanted to see a future together, and adore(d) him. But I fear (know?) that he isn't on the same page. Whereas I am envisioning marriage and building a life together he is still in a party phase. He's so nice and wonderful to me. He really does care about me.

Just...not in that way.

I never thought I'd find someone I sincerely saw a future with. I didn't understand the idea of building a life together with someone until now. And after I've talked to him, and the therapist, I'm suddenly afraid and kinda alone again. Whereas he would probably be fine just dating for a long time further I'm looking for real commitment. I'm looking for the real deal. I'm ready to have an intimant, passionate, committed relationship with someone, him, and he...not so much.

So I'm scared. Scared because all the other issues listed above I've lived with for a long time. But losing him, us, is new to me. Losing the perception of what I thought we had. We're still together but I have so many questions. How much am I willing to sacrifice for someone who is nice to me? How scared am I to leave what is wonderful, but won't pan out, in the hopes that something else is even out there for me?

Before him I'd never been with someone nice. I feel like an abused puppy that is falling over itself the first time it is shown kindness. At the same time I feel that what we have (has) is special and I shouldn't beat myself up for falling for it.

I don't know.

I don't know.

How do you make someone love you and commit to you? You don't. This I know.

So why doesn't he love me and want to commit to me?



Andy, Lord of the Pants said...

No over-analyzing while drinking. Unless this is stuff coming up from when you're sober.

You are very special. As far as I'm concerned there are no imperfections. So don't be so hard on yourself.

It sounds like you're in a bit of a stuck spot. If you don't think it'll work out you can either 1) stick with it hoping that the relationship will eventually evolve into him feeling like what you feel now. or 2) get out before you get hurt. The longer you spend in a situation the more hurt and bitter you'll get. Trust me, I'm the master of this one.

Love you!

sallyacious said...

Oh, Honey, this is so hard. I'm sorry you're having to struggle with this situation. I hope you can work it out.

On the job front, by the way, being laid off doesn't mean you're a loser who doesn't have her shit together. It means the economy sucks. That won't help you pay your bills, of course, but you do need to know that losing your job is not your fault. Though I'm really hoping it won't come to that for you.

I'm really tired. I hope that last paragraph makes sense.