Saturday, January 2, 2010

Part Five: Attire

Part five in my seven part series: “Things I’ve Learned About Hosting a Holiday Get Together”.


Be happy if people don’t show up with visible pant holes in the crotch area, animal hair caked t-shirts and muddy shoes. Have fun getting yourself ready if you have time but don’t go all out, your false eyelashes will melt from oven heat while you slave in the kitchen and your manicure will dematerialize as you wash wine glasses. Wear something cute and all, but comfortable and serviceable: You’ll have to move quickly when a guest moves a candle on the sink to an entirely new location and sets fire to your hand towels.

Not sure what to wear if you are a guest? Unless you’re meeting the queen of England (disregard Slutty Cyrus, who decided a gown cut to her navel and showing off the jailbait tittays was the way to go) then clean jeans, a nice shirt or sweater, and clean shoes always works. Wear presentable socks too, many people demand that you remove your shoes before walking on their carpet these days.

Every holiday season advertisers and the TV peoples start in on the cocktail or holiday dress barrage. I want to meet someone who has had the occasion to both buy and appropriately wear a cocktail dress. I don’t think such a thing exists. I have never been invited to or even heard of a holiday soiree where a cocktail dress was required or appropriate. The cocktail dress is a lie manufactured to make women doubt our bodies in bikini off season and to stimulate the economy by making women believe that $400.00 for 1/8th yard of black satin is not only reasonable but necessary. And oh how I long to not only own one but have a place to actually wear it to someday.


Sallyacious said...

I've got a cocktail dress that once upon a (much skinnier) time I wore to SEVERAL cocktail parties. It's in a style that is now much too young for me, but damn, when I was a rock-solid 20-something, it looked slammin'. Ooh. It might fit you, if'n yer innerested. It's the velvet LBD to end all velvet LBD's.

Now, I'm looking for opportunities that would require a full-on formal gown with a big skirt and some kind of fabulous wrap. (I don't have them, but I'd love to have a need to get them.)

Eris said...


You live in some kind of fabulous world whre guests are polite, bring food, and now I find out that you've worn the illusive cocktail dress? Good grief. I need to move.

HollowSquirrel said...

Do you have any pictures of these guests? I have horrific images in my head. And wait, did your handtowels really go up in smoke?

Sallyacious said...

It's called the world of the theatre. People in this world like to play dress-up. Though we would just as often be likely to get naked at parties, quite frankly.

Mostly, though, it has to do with the corporate and/or not-for-profit worlds and being an alum of a small, private, very expensive university.

But yes, you probably do need new friends. You may indeed need to move to a new city to find them. Sorry.