Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My cat ate carpet and no that is not innuendo get your dirty filthy mind out of the gutter you bastards

My cat ate carpet.

She got sick and when I went to clean her up there was, how to put this delicately...a damned eight inch piece of carpet that I had to gently pull from her bum which resulted in even more sick getting everywhere. Sorry, that is as polite as I can put it.  I'm relieved that my poor baby is okay, but scared because WHAT THE HELL CAT?  ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL YOURSELF?  What if the carpet had wound itself around her intestines?  What if she had choked?  What if she is eating more damn carpet RIGHT NOW?  WHAT WHAT WHAT?

I cleaned up the area where she had clearly been tearing up the carpet then covered the whole thing with duct tape AND sprayed it with no chew spray AND put a motion detector that makes a noise and sprays air if she goes near it to keep her from tearing at that patch of carpet which she seems to have suddenly developed an interest in; an interest so intense you would think she saw someone bury gold bouillon and cans of tuna under there. 

I also went around my whole entire condo and trimmed any bits of carpet that were poking up and taped up any edges that could be torn up.  But that doesn't comfort me much, I mean, WHAT THE HELL CAT?  I have, no joke, like 15 cat books.  Cats for Idiots.  Cats for Dummies.  Cats for slightly OCD adults who have never successfully cared for an animal before.  Amazon is pretty convinced I'm an animal hoarder shut-in that likes to read about Feline Infectious Peritonitis.  And I will tell you this, for all those 15 books that I read from cover to cover NONE OF THEM covered what to do when your stupid cat decides to do things like ingest carpet.  Or lick shampoo.  Or try to eat tile cleaner.  Or tries to stick their paw in BOILING WATER. 

I have books for Cats That Are Trouble Cats.  Cats That Scratch.  I wish I had a book for Cats That Play With Matches and Aerosol Hairspray.  But none of these books address things like: What to do when your cat still won't stay off the damn counters or stove after a full year of training, What to do when your cat tries to eat an entire scarf, What do do when your cat ignores the SEVEN different styles and types of scratching posts you got for them and still tries to destroy Grandma's antique chair.  All the books stress consistency.  I have been consistent.  All the books suggest re-routing the cat's attention. I re-route.  I have finally had to get training devices, like plastic mats covered in plastic spikes to cover the stove when it is not in use, two sided sticky tape which my cat just pulls off with her teeth, anti chew spray which I suspect my cat drinks in a martini glass while I am out of the house and motion detectors that spray air and make noise but only worked to scare her for about a week.  My cat is alternately the smartest animal in the world or possibly the dumbest f'n being to have ever lived. 

I have three cat trees up.  I have cat shelves over the couch.  There are SEVEN, did I mention SEVEN scratching post type options. I have a floor to ceiling cat tent thing up. I put out mini cat tents and cat tunnels for her, which she just shreds to pieces but at least she is entertained.  I own Every. Single. Cat. Toy. Ever. Made. and I rotate them on a weekly basis so they're always "new".  She has puzzle toys filled with treats.  I play with her every night.  I put up cat napping beds in every window. She has cardboard boxes and paper bags to play in.  She has everything.  Never has a cat been so spoiled.  Wait, not true: she is second in the spoiling department only to Karl Lagerfeld's cat. (Damn I want TWO maids!)

I'm at my wit's end, I don't know what to do.  She has to be an indoor cat, her immune system can't handle being outside.  Is she bored? Lonely? Insane?  Is this normal?  What do I do?  I'm scared she'll eat more carpet and die.  Survival of the fittest yadda yadda I know but all this aside I really like her, I can't imagine life without her, how do I teach an unteachable animal to stop trying to kill herself?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Um, I love you, but you're a crazy cat lady.