Wednesday, May 5, 2010

How did May happen all of a sudden?

Grief guys, I don't even know where to begin it has been so long!

Conan's show was AMAZING and AWESOME and SUPER FUN and almost totally worth the almost $200.00 total ticket cost, I only say almost because though we were close up front we were off to the side. I loved it. I'm so happy I got to go. If it weren't pretty much entirely sold out I'd tell you to get tickets if he is coming anywhere near you.

I only have to wear the retainer at night now. Hallelujah. Those several weeks were an unwelcome flash back to my adolescence. On the one hand: not a time anyone wants to revisit. On the other hand: a good reminder to be patient and loving with the person I used to be instead of constantly negative and critical.

Things with my apartment have been a headache for months now, the least of which is the actual foreclosure itself. Sure, I come home to weekly notices posted on my door and it officially went to auction finally this month but the back and forth and the not knowing or having a time line has been awful. Look, I'll move, I'll pack it all up and go in 24 hours if I have to, I would just like to know WHEN. You may wonder why I didn't just do that but it gets complicated as hell and during proceedings like this in my state it is illegal to break my lease, so if I had said "this is bullshit" and tried to pack up and leave I would have been FINED. So I had to stay, stuck, waiting, for days into weeks into months, prisoner to wondering what was going on and where I was going to go. I thought I was handling it fine but the uncertainty really wore on me, it still does, but at least my lease expires soon and in conjunction with the auction I should finally have an idea of what I can do and start looking for a place. Which brings me into:

Relationship. We've officially been dating for two years. I love him. He loves me. We are pretty happy. He is an awesome guy. I. Don't. Want. To. Live. With. Him. I don't I don't I don't. It is hard to explain but living alone is like my one and only great accomplishment as an adult; I've lived alone for 7ish years and supported myself for at least 10, medical debt and student loans and shitty jobs be damned, and my gut says NO to giving that up. Six months ago if the boy had proposed I would have seriously considered living together but now, after time, and this apartment stuff, I've got to say that I don't feel at all the same. I feel sortof oddly rejected by him, and disappointed that things didn't naturally progress forward, and while I am in no way even thinking of leaving him (it is horrible to even type the possibility) I'm also not going to move in with him. So it gets even more complicated, naturally, with the slim potential of a move to a different city on the horizon which would essentially require us moving in together. All this means that, much like the stupid foreclosure stuff, I thought that I was normal and fine for the last couple of months when in reality I've been a total basket case (albeit a well hidden one, thankfully?) and not dealing with my real feelings or even, honestly, beginning to understand what is right for me and what I need to do. I think I'm okay and then BAM April is totally gone and I've managed to gain 20 POUNDS (jebus mother of freaking gob) in a short time period because I'm so busy being "okay" that I'm denying my true self and smothering my feelings under food. And not exercising, though, to be fair, it is just within the last two weeks or so that my neck and shoulder have been cleared for light cardio again.

Much ado about all that above. My therapist is awesome but I haven't been able to see her, for one reason or another, for a long time now and I've been so damn busy just making it through my days and ignoring reality, my true self, my feelings, my gut, that time has passed right on by and I've totally neglected to blog. Perhaps because blogging requires the truth and I've been so busy running from it, and haven't even figured it out AT ALL myself yet.

How have you been?


Anonymous said...

I always thought my perfect house would be a duplex. His side. My side. And, like a hotel, it would have a connecting door. If both sides were unlocked, then we could share space for a while. Front porch and or yard would be shared space as well.

Maybe this could work for you?

Sallyacious said...

I have been not blogging myself because I can't share the truth right now, and it turns out if I can't write that, I have nothing to say at all.

Good luck with all of the stuff you're facing right now. You're tough and will make it through, but it's a shame you have to be. For you, I wish a breathing space. One several years big. You've more than earned it.