Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Quick Hey, but then I get all sentimental/crazy on you.

How ya doin?

Crazy? Because I am. It has been nothing but nuts the last few days what with trying to get my job in order and I have such mixed feelings. There isn't enough time to get these people trained on what they need to know yet I have been trying for two years so I guess there will never be enough time, it is some kind of paradox. Maybe. I could be using the word wrong. My brain is mush. I also have mixed feelings because it is like leaving an abusive realtionship; sure, he beats me, but he is all I have known for such a long time.

There are a few people I will truly miss but certainly not enough to stay. I can't let myself feel guilt over how bad things may get without me because A) that is ego, even if it is true and B) it is not my responsibility. Still. I am so good at being stressed about things that I absolutely cannot change.

Crazy.

You wake up one day and you spent how long in your job? Doing what? That you hate? Where did the time go? How the hell did I get stuck here and why didn't my very best efforts get me out sooner? What was the purpose of me wasting the last remains of my youth in a shitty job in a crappy town and winding up doing absolutly nothing for three years because I just couldn't escape? Why? Gah. Don't read this. It is drivel. I am crazy, as stated, and all up in mixed emotions and it may have more than a little to do with the 13 hour day I've already worked and the fact that I was forced to skip lunch. Trying to be rational and not all weepy on just the calories in an apple is not good.

But still.

What the hell am I doing with my life. Is this it? Why?

4 comments:

sallyacious said...

Excellent questions. Turns out you get to spend the rest of your life asking them.

You're right, you can't worry about them. If they were useful/thoughtful/trainable, you wouldn't be leaving now. But their success or failure is not your responsibility. It sounds like you've done your honest best, and that really is all anybody can ask of you.

Well, clearly they can ask you to kill yourself so they don't have to do any work, but they don't have the right to complain if you don't comply.

Andy said...

I can't wait for you to leave this job. Saying goodbye is always hard, especially when you've put in so much of yourself. But you know you're moving up, however incrementally, to better things. I have the utmost confidence in you. Everything is about to take one step closer to being ok... maybe even good. Just one last week or so of "meh" and then good things from then on.

Eris said...

Thank you. Both of you.

The CEO said...

After all is said and done, you ought to be able to say to yourself that you did a great job, and that you're proud of what you did.

Now, it's on to bigger and better things!

That's life. Be honest with yourself.