I hid from my ex's mom in the store today because I wasn't expecting to see her, or anyone I know really, and I kinda looked like hell.
I hate that you have to actually dress well to go grocery shopping on a Saturday. I hate that we have to dress well AT ALL on weekends. I am most definitely a no makeup-baseball cap-jeans-tennies-sweatshirt on the weekend kind of gal but even in my crappy town most people aren't. And it doesn't help that I get all kinds of guilt from dating gurus about how I have to look my best all the time. I'm tired. I don't care. I want to get up and go. I envy the no muss super short hair of men, and the fact that they aren't judged for not wearing mascara, and that they can look effortlessly casual in jeans and a hoodie.
I look like a bloated soccer mom with bad skin because my hormones are all kinds of F'd up and I don't want to put on a damn pair of spanx to fit into regular pants just so I can go to Trader Joe's. And I wouldn't so much mind looking like a soccer mom in general if I had kids, or a husband or at this point even a damn pen pal who played soccer but I have none of those things. I'm a woman over the age of thirty with no one at home but a needy cat and a collection of sweatshirts that I'm probably too over the hill to wear.
So, I hid from my ex's mom. I dumped him two years ago. 99% of the time if I would have run into her it would have been no big deal but YOU KNOW HOW IT IS. I'm tired, in a very, very bad mood (just found out I have no job in a few months: AWESOME), my face has acne which cannot be tamed, I look six months pregnant from bloat weight, I'm miserable, it's like 3 degrees outside yet bitches be all up in the store on a Saturday morning looking cute as shit, I've just been accosted by "can I wash your wind sheild" homeless mentally ill guy, I'm all kinds of emotionally off kilter and miserable, so OF COURSE the mom of the guy who fucking decimated my heart two years ago is in the grocery store. I managed to avoid her just fine and kinda laugh it off but...yuck.
Now I'm at home in my disaster of an apartment (I managed to get the Christmas tree out yesterday...along with the Halloween pumpkins I put Santa hats on out on my porch, but I still haven't vacuumed up the pine needles) just sorta starting at the wall, there is a TON to do but I'm not doing it. Also, related to nothing, I'm signed up for speed dating next week. Which no part of me wants to do but I figure I have to do to say I tried at least once.
I need a hug. Or someone to come hang out with me while I do laundry and then we can watch bad reality TV together. That would be really, very nice.
If I could afford it I'd just have all my damn groceries delivered.