Lo internet I have been working. And working and working and working. And all this working has caused eye strain so severe that when I get home I have to lay ice packs on my eyes and lay on the couch while my cat impatiently jumps on me and wonders why I am so damned boring. I can't look at my phone. I can't read tweets. I can barely do any regular work but I've been itching to post so I'm banging this out after icing my eyes, kindly excuse grammar and spelling atrocities.
Online dating is a total, freaking, disaster of a joke. Sure, I have picked up more anecdotes and bad date tales to add to my already looooooong list but that isn't really a perk. I had enough bad date stories already, I certainly didn't need more.
I can tell myself that it is just a law of averages thing, the more duds I meet in person the closer I get to meeting one that I don't want to get away from five minutes in, but I don't think that is the case. I think I'm just meeting a ton of (coincidentally super short) losers with severe personality disorders, ex wives that they hate, lisp problems, delusions of grandeur, and the inability to show interest in anything but themselves. It is bad people. Take how bad you think internet dating is and multiply it exponentially until you reach infinity: voila! Internet dating.
I'm pretty sure, at 30, that this is it. There is no one out there.
Certainly not within 200 miles of me. Certainly not on the internet.
I don't know why the cutoff is 30. I thought that since the median age for marriage in the United States and the rest of the world has risen during my lifetime that being 30 and single wouldn't be a pariah inducing state. I thought that being 30 and single meant that you took time to get an education, settled into a career, traveled, figured yourself out, became a better person, maybe got your heart broken, determined your values and decided to share your life with someone as a fully actualized person unlike being a dumb 22 year old with stars in your eyes and no idea what a real partnership takes. This is not the case. 30 means you are stupid, broken, over the hill (if you are a woman), damaged, weird, and bad genetic material. Over 30 is like the broken bits at the bottom of a stale bag of chips. You can't get a full chip, you can't even get half a chip, the only stuff left is defective.
At 30, with a career, and an education, my options are bitter 38 year old divorced men who charmingly refer to their ex-wives as "cunt", are shit dads to their kids, and are only putting up with meeting me for a drink because I'm blonde and for some reason the 22 year olds they keep emailing aren't responding. At 30 any man below 30 has the mentality and personality of a self obsessed frat boy with no ambition other than how good they look shirtless and no desire to do anything but fool around and are only putting up with meeting me for a drink because...I'm blonde and the 22 year olds they keep emailing aren't responding.
This all sounds bitter and damnit, it is. The bitterness that the dozens upon dozes assholes I've met for drinks and coffee and dinner all carried with them has worn off on me. I want to punch every guy I see now. I want to punch them for the shitty husbands they were, for the shitty husbands they will be, for the ridiculously awful fathers they are, for the self absorbed asshole fathers they will be, for every woman they treated like shit, for every parent/friend/family member they are a waste of space to, and for every damned retarded thought they have about how intellgent or laid back or fun loving they are. Punch punch punch. BAH.
The crap bit is that I really wasn't so beat down after my last breakup. It was bad, very bad, but it strengthened my resolve that there was somebody out there for me and that I would absolutely not settle and every heartbreak really is okay, because it is part of life and I would make it through to a better day. Ya. Well. I have to adjust all that because at 30? I don't have time to foolishly think there is someone out there for me. There isn't. It is like hoping to win the lottery: very, very few people do. I want kids. I want family. I need to stop being retarded and thinking I'll find someone to do that with because I will wake up at 45 with no family, bitter and alone, and that isn't the way to approach life. I have to get serious about saving money and coming up with a timeline for being stable, buying a house, and adoption, alone. Because at the end of the day this is 30. 30 is not 20. Time actually is ticking away. 30 will just as easily be 40, 40 will just as easily be 50. Dating will be no easier then, it will probably be much worse. I can and will have my kids alone. And FUCK this internet dating bullshit, I AM DONE. Forever.