Wow. I don’t know where to start. First: Sorry for such a long posting gap. Here’s where I’ve been for the last almost three weeks:
Fun Filled Family Vacation!
Or not really. But it was an amazing success because I made it back in one piece, everyone is alive, and I didn’t have to sneak out for cocktails or snort lines of xanax to make it through. I did not, however, in almost a week straight of walking and being on my feet for at least 8 hours a day, lose even one pound. Not one. When I got back I was THREE POUNDS HEAVIER. Those pounds are gone, and I’m back to my starting point, but peeved. That much cardio and standing should equal weight or inches lost. (Don’t mind me, I’m just hiding in the corner pretending like I wasn’t inhaling churros, soft pretzels and pizza the whole time…)
…Mmmmmmm churros. And Pineapple whip. Oh heavens, there was this fresh pineapple soft serve that I had that was simply delightful. I want one again now….
Which brings us to:
Weight Loss:
Oh heavens people, I now have 30 days counting today to lose 10 lbs and firm up. That is IF I decide to go to this stupid reunion. IF.
Stupid Reunion:
Have you ever heard of a ten year High School Reunion costing $75.00 per person? Oh he-yell no. I went to the reunion two classes above me and it was like $15.00 and included two drink tokens. Aren’t these things supposed to be in the High School gym? Mine is being held in a stupid super post locale accessible only by gondola in a super expensive resort town (I grew up there, sure, but we was poooooor….And damn I’m still pooooor) and is “cocktail casual” which I can’t decipher. Do I wear a cocktail dress with tennis shoes? A slinky top with pajama pants? Fuck cocktail casual. If I take along the boy, and I would have to take along a date, it would cost my $150.00. Yeah.
Several things about said reunion:
• I don’t care about anyone going save the one person, a dear old High School friend, who called and begged me to show up so that he’d have buffer. He is bringing his boyfriend and though people suspected his orientation in High School I imagine there will still be some whispers. I do like said friend but he has flaked on me pretty bad the last like 10 times we were supposed to see each other and he has a date and I bet he doesn’t need my buffer. He is likely the kind to ditch me the second someone “better” comes along.
• I wouldn’t be so uncertain about the stupid event if it weren’t so costly. I didn’t pay that much money for my prom tickets and dinner combined, now they expect me to cough this up? If it were cheaper, and easier to get to, and easier to escape from (WTF gondolas?) then I’d just get the tickets and decide that week. But nooooo, the deadline is looming and the tickets alone will cost my grocery and gas budget for almost two weeks.
• High School was okay, and I’m glad I did it, but I don’t live there and I don’t need a walk down memory lane. As much as I bitch in this forum (because y’all have figured out that this is where I vent, right?) I’m fairly happy with my life and feel in many ways that it is just getting started.
• The only compelling reason I really have to go is that I don’t want to regret not going in the future. It is some kind of adult milestone and if nothing I could observe, I guess, but current me has little desire. It is future me that I am worried about. And, there is always that super slim chance that maybe I’ll meet up with someone really great and get to reconnect. For the life of me I don’t know who that will be because I knew most of my graduating class of 300 but I’m trying to be optimistic? So the only thing keeping me from totally blowing it off is some fear that in the future I will regret not going. Yeah. I hate my brain too.
• I’m fat and vain. There. I said it. How can I judge all the crappy girls there if I’m 25 pounds chubbier than I was in High School? And no, I do not think I am wearing it very well. None of it hit my boobs, it all seems to be distributed in my gut, upper arms, and chin. Sexay.
• To reiterate: My only compelling reason to go is fear that I will regret not going in the future and my dear old friend begged me. Otherwise the whole thing will cost me AT LEAST $500.00 I don’t have, I’ll look like a land whale, and my boyfriend may never talk to me again if I force him to attend with me (this is only one slot away from family functions). Yeah. Great. Did I mention that I must now decide by this Sunday? Tickets have to be bought by then. Bah Bah Bah!
Moving:
I’m going on day 5 in the new place with no water. Because I moved on the three day holiday weekend no one could come fix it and now there is bickering between the owners, the rental company and the property management place over what is wrong and why it isn’t fixed. While this is nice and all I STILL HAVE NO WATER. Luckily I only moved next door so I’ve been padding down the hall in a bathrobe every morning (and whenever I have to pee, which is a lot, I drink much water) to shower in my empty old place.
Today when I woke up in the new place there was no electricity. The power company blames this on a “misunderstanding” with the move order. They assure me that it will be fixed by the time I get home today. What do you think those odds are?
Work:
Tomorrow is the big re-org departmental wide meeting. Cross your fingers that something wonderful and magical happens and I somehow get to keep my job. I’ve applied all over the place, including different cities, followed up and done my very best, and heard absolutely nothing back. Things are still bad, regardless of what retarded economists predict the recession to end this year. For who? Paris Hilton? Bitch can’t even pronounce the word because it is more than two syllables long.
So there is your * quick * update. I’ll be able to write again next week when I hopefully have water, electricity, and internet all back up and working. Until then be good and think skinny thoughts for me. Skinny, lottery winning, job having thoughts for me. I know I will think them for all of you :)
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Bah to this fatness already
In response to Sally’s question about how my clothes are fitting: Not well.
I have a (painful, excruciating, ridiculous) family trip to go on at the end of this week and was feeling confidant that I would fit into some shorts from last year. After all, I am back into my (sadly) normal weight range. Normal because I’ve been a minimum of 20 pounds overweight for the last…mmm…five years at least. Hence I’m back to *normal*. Well, perhaps not so much. I can’t button up one pair of shorts. Not one. I know they fit when I went to Mexico last October but I was at least eight pounds less then. Being short means 8 pounds = no shorts for me. I don’t have the money to buy news ones so I’m debating fashioning some stylish culottes out of bedsheets and calling it a day.
I still have 10 pounds to lose by June 27 and that is my adjusted hope, back when this all started I wanted to lose a total of 25 pounds by then which would have meant 15 more pounds, but short of quitting my job (which will quit me June 30th, ironically) and working out nine hours a day and hiring a brilliant team of scientists and chefs to prepare exact nutritionally balanced meals that come in at 1300 calories a day I don’t know how in Pete’s name this would even happen.
Big picture? My weight loss has been slow, but it has been mostly loss, not gain. I’m not seeing any toning of any muscles anywhere but my stamina is better. 8 weeks ago just walking down the street at work during lunch caused my shins and calf muscles to tighten so bad I had to stretch every few hundred yards. Now I can walk at a brisk pace for over 45 minutes, only stopping to stretch a few times, and am getting close to touching my toes again. These are great accomplishments. If I wasn’t considering attending this 10 year High School Reunion (of dooooooooom) then I’d be thrilled. I’d be on track, albeit a slow track, to getting in decent shape, being able to have fun outside again, and I wouldn’t have this deadline looming ahead of me. I’m 25 pounds heavier now than I ever was in high school and it’s not like I have kids or something to show for it. All I have to show for it is years of depression smothered in nacho cheese.
This morning I was really down and googled Nutrasystem. It is basically crash dieting, I know, and not a long term solution, I know, but I looked at it anyway. And got annoyed. It is about $350.00 for one month and that doesn’t include the fruits, veggies, and dairy I would have to buy to supplement their plan. I don’t have that kind of money. I don’t even spend that much money in a month for food. If I am spending that kind of money I expect them to send me lobster on their damn plan because hell, it is low cal if I skip the butter.
The only advantage to Nutrasystem is that it requires virtually no thought. And no thought, I have learned, is the key to my weight loss success. After a few weeks of measuring calories and making myself healthy mini meals I begin to break down. I can’t let my brain being any part of the process; it gets lazy or it sabotages me and I’m back to square one. It may take me a month to take off five pounds but I can put on those five pounds in one weekend: My brain cannot be trusted.
I need a good calorie restricted diet at this point where thought is virtually removed. I did good for 8 weeks on my own but I’m breaking down and not losing weight anymore. I wouldn’t want to put this push in because it is counterproductive to attaining a livable, healthy lifestyle but my ego won’t let me waddle into the reunion looking like Eris the Hut.
So what do I do?
I have a (painful, excruciating, ridiculous) family trip to go on at the end of this week and was feeling confidant that I would fit into some shorts from last year. After all, I am back into my (sadly) normal weight range. Normal because I’ve been a minimum of 20 pounds overweight for the last…mmm…five years at least. Hence I’m back to *normal*. Well, perhaps not so much. I can’t button up one pair of shorts. Not one. I know they fit when I went to Mexico last October but I was at least eight pounds less then. Being short means 8 pounds = no shorts for me. I don’t have the money to buy news ones so I’m debating fashioning some stylish culottes out of bedsheets and calling it a day.
I still have 10 pounds to lose by June 27 and that is my adjusted hope, back when this all started I wanted to lose a total of 25 pounds by then which would have meant 15 more pounds, but short of quitting my job (which will quit me June 30th, ironically) and working out nine hours a day and hiring a brilliant team of scientists and chefs to prepare exact nutritionally balanced meals that come in at 1300 calories a day I don’t know how in Pete’s name this would even happen.
Big picture? My weight loss has been slow, but it has been mostly loss, not gain. I’m not seeing any toning of any muscles anywhere but my stamina is better. 8 weeks ago just walking down the street at work during lunch caused my shins and calf muscles to tighten so bad I had to stretch every few hundred yards. Now I can walk at a brisk pace for over 45 minutes, only stopping to stretch a few times, and am getting close to touching my toes again. These are great accomplishments. If I wasn’t considering attending this 10 year High School Reunion (of dooooooooom) then I’d be thrilled. I’d be on track, albeit a slow track, to getting in decent shape, being able to have fun outside again, and I wouldn’t have this deadline looming ahead of me. I’m 25 pounds heavier now than I ever was in high school and it’s not like I have kids or something to show for it. All I have to show for it is years of depression smothered in nacho cheese.
This morning I was really down and googled Nutrasystem. It is basically crash dieting, I know, and not a long term solution, I know, but I looked at it anyway. And got annoyed. It is about $350.00 for one month and that doesn’t include the fruits, veggies, and dairy I would have to buy to supplement their plan. I don’t have that kind of money. I don’t even spend that much money in a month for food. If I am spending that kind of money I expect them to send me lobster on their damn plan because hell, it is low cal if I skip the butter.
The only advantage to Nutrasystem is that it requires virtually no thought. And no thought, I have learned, is the key to my weight loss success. After a few weeks of measuring calories and making myself healthy mini meals I begin to break down. I can’t let my brain being any part of the process; it gets lazy or it sabotages me and I’m back to square one. It may take me a month to take off five pounds but I can put on those five pounds in one weekend: My brain cannot be trusted.
I need a good calorie restricted diet at this point where thought is virtually removed. I did good for 8 weeks on my own but I’m breaking down and not losing weight anymore. I wouldn’t want to put this push in because it is counterproductive to attaining a livable, healthy lifestyle but my ego won’t let me waddle into the reunion looking like Eris the Hut.
So what do I do?
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Because Pigeons Trashed my Balcony
They tore the tarp apart that I used to cover my storage boxes.
They dumped leaves and pine needles and bits of feathers everywhere.
They crapped and crapped and crapped massive piles of bird shit on every available surface.
They knocked over my deck chair and crapped on that too.
They went too far.
I put out mouse traps. Everywhere.
The first day after I put out the traps and came home, several of the traps had been set off and were broken. I reset them if I could, put them back up, and went inside to drink heavy liquor and hide. The pigeons have given me the shakes. I've never been a brandy or whiskey drinker but a few more days of this and I imagine I'd be downing snifters of the stuff without need for a glass.
Four days since the resetting of the traps I haven't seen any signs of them. The traps are still set. The balcony is still trashed. But there isn't any extra trashing of late. I didn't like putting out snappy traps for the bastards, but I tried everything else and I don't want to die from pigeon disease. They can have the balcony when I move out, in a mere matter of weeks now, but until then they need to not use my space as a toilet.
Every time I hear a noise now, a printer starting at work, the upstairs neighbor showering, I jump up and think I need to go scare the pigeons off. I have damn pigeon PTSD. I have nightmares that they are going to smash through the sliding glass door and peck my eyes out. I'm afraid to walk outside.
Oh, and I've lost just about 10 pounds in 7ish weeks. BAH. I mean, YaY weight loss, not so yay on very slow going. But progress is progress, and I've got that.
They dumped leaves and pine needles and bits of feathers everywhere.
They crapped and crapped and crapped massive piles of bird shit on every available surface.
They knocked over my deck chair and crapped on that too.
They went too far.
I put out mouse traps. Everywhere.
The first day after I put out the traps and came home, several of the traps had been set off and were broken. I reset them if I could, put them back up, and went inside to drink heavy liquor and hide. The pigeons have given me the shakes. I've never been a brandy or whiskey drinker but a few more days of this and I imagine I'd be downing snifters of the stuff without need for a glass.
Four days since the resetting of the traps I haven't seen any signs of them. The traps are still set. The balcony is still trashed. But there isn't any extra trashing of late. I didn't like putting out snappy traps for the bastards, but I tried everything else and I don't want to die from pigeon disease. They can have the balcony when I move out, in a mere matter of weeks now, but until then they need to not use my space as a toilet.
Every time I hear a noise now, a printer starting at work, the upstairs neighbor showering, I jump up and think I need to go scare the pigeons off. I have damn pigeon PTSD. I have nightmares that they are going to smash through the sliding glass door and peck my eyes out. I'm afraid to walk outside.
Oh, and I've lost just about 10 pounds in 7ish weeks. BAH. I mean, YaY weight loss, not so yay on very slow going. But progress is progress, and I've got that.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Sallyacious and the CEO have thoughtful discourse
The following interaction between Sallyacious and Monty The CEO in regard to my last two posts makes me wish I had a higher blog readership because it is so good. I’m busy pondering their insight and waging war against two evil pigeons who have brought all their evil friends to flood by bacony with bird crap. Read, and enjoy:
sallyacious has left a new comment on your post "Addendum to the post below":
Maybe it's because you're settling for the status quo and selling yourself short.
You were ready to take a bigger step than this, whether you'd realized it or not. Are you sure this isn't a bit like settling for a boyfriend who's a nice guy and all, but who in the end isn't really who you're looking for?
You made the prudent choice, but prudent choices aren't always the most fun or interesting or growth-provoking choices. They're often the choices of stagnation.
Life, according to Carl Jung, gives us pain so that we can grow from it and become our complete selves. Prudent choices keep us in the same place. Only backwards.
Posted by sallyacious to Smells Like Nothing at April 29, 2009
The CEO has left a new comment on your post "Addendum to the post below":
I got caught pondering the last post while you put this one up. I'm going to take a middle course between you and Sally here. I like Sally's Jungian interpretation but think you both missed the object.
It's easy to point at the apartment and say that the next step was into something bigger and better, a better apartment or a house, yet this is the most improbable choice at this juncture of all of the variables under your control.
What do you have some say over? The boyfriend is where you have the most control, and the work you will seek next is the other. Saving money on housing simply makes sense and binds you for a year, or the extent of the lease.
I agree with Sally about growth, but I don't want to use Jung's term of pain, I'd rather use Maslow and Herzberg's term of risk. They actually mean the same thing. By taking risk, you can't be wallowing in all those things that make you feel good and help you avoid pain (like food).
A good risk for you might be taking your computer skills and finding a property developer and discussing job opportunities where you could work your way into floor plans. Or working with an architect doing something similar. Or considering telling the boyfriend maybe you both should date other people.
You should probably check with Sally, my personal biases are probably showing here. I may have an opinion to take responsibility for, in other words.
Posted by The CEO to Smells Like Nothing at April 29, 2009
sallyacious has left a new comment on your post "Addendum to the post below":
CEO - Excellent points.
I should clarify what I meant about pain. Pain comes from being stuck, from not addressing those things in our lives we need to address. We experience the pain because we're not being our authentic selves. So all of Eris' frustrations, etc.--according to Jung--would be that kind of pain.
We have two options when we get ourselves into these situations (and I have been in MANY; I have kind of a genius for finding them, I think, painful situations): we can choose to stay in the pain and remain stuck, or we can face the source of it and grow. But that brings its own issues, and in the end, the choice is between pain and fear.
So your risk is most assuredly a part of the equation. It's just what you take in response to the pain if you want to get anywhere.
Posted by sallyacious to Smells Like Nothing at April 30, 2009
The CEO has left a new comment on your post "Addendum to the post below":
Eris, you are truly graced with Sally as a friend. That is simply one of the most coherent explanations of Jung I have ever heard.
Everyone falls into problems. It what you do to get out that makes you who you become. You have talent. Start a business. Find a need and fill it. What do you need? So do a lot of others. You're smart, please don't forget that. Have a great day! And please, both of you, call me Monty.
sallyacious has left a new comment on your post "Addendum to the post below":
Maybe it's because you're settling for the status quo and selling yourself short.
You were ready to take a bigger step than this, whether you'd realized it or not. Are you sure this isn't a bit like settling for a boyfriend who's a nice guy and all, but who in the end isn't really who you're looking for?
You made the prudent choice, but prudent choices aren't always the most fun or interesting or growth-provoking choices. They're often the choices of stagnation.
Life, according to Carl Jung, gives us pain so that we can grow from it and become our complete selves. Prudent choices keep us in the same place. Only backwards.
Posted by sallyacious to Smells Like Nothing at April 29, 2009
The CEO has left a new comment on your post "Addendum to the post below":
I got caught pondering the last post while you put this one up. I'm going to take a middle course between you and Sally here. I like Sally's Jungian interpretation but think you both missed the object.
It's easy to point at the apartment and say that the next step was into something bigger and better, a better apartment or a house, yet this is the most improbable choice at this juncture of all of the variables under your control.
What do you have some say over? The boyfriend is where you have the most control, and the work you will seek next is the other. Saving money on housing simply makes sense and binds you for a year, or the extent of the lease.
I agree with Sally about growth, but I don't want to use Jung's term of pain, I'd rather use Maslow and Herzberg's term of risk. They actually mean the same thing. By taking risk, you can't be wallowing in all those things that make you feel good and help you avoid pain (like food).
A good risk for you might be taking your computer skills and finding a property developer and discussing job opportunities where you could work your way into floor plans. Or working with an architect doing something similar. Or considering telling the boyfriend maybe you both should date other people.
You should probably check with Sally, my personal biases are probably showing here. I may have an opinion to take responsibility for, in other words.
Posted by The CEO to Smells Like Nothing at April 29, 2009
sallyacious has left a new comment on your post "Addendum to the post below":
CEO - Excellent points.
I should clarify what I meant about pain. Pain comes from being stuck, from not addressing those things in our lives we need to address. We experience the pain because we're not being our authentic selves. So all of Eris' frustrations, etc.--according to Jung--would be that kind of pain.
We have two options when we get ourselves into these situations (and I have been in MANY; I have kind of a genius for finding them, I think, painful situations): we can choose to stay in the pain and remain stuck, or we can face the source of it and grow. But that brings its own issues, and in the end, the choice is between pain and fear.
So your risk is most assuredly a part of the equation. It's just what you take in response to the pain if you want to get anywhere.
Posted by sallyacious to Smells Like Nothing at April 30, 2009
The CEO has left a new comment on your post "Addendum to the post below":
Eris, you are truly graced with Sally as a friend. That is simply one of the most coherent explanations of Jung I have ever heard.
Everyone falls into problems. It what you do to get out that makes you who you become. You have talent. Start a business. Find a need and fill it. What do you need? So do a lot of others. You're smart, please don't forget that. Have a great day! And please, both of you, call me Monty.
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