Several Things:

Who wants to be a guestblogger? Anyone? Hello?

I am taking a real, live, honest to goodness vacation in a beautiful California city for an entire week! Yes! You heard me! But Eris, you may say, how is this possible? What with work and you being penniless and such? About a month ago work was kind enough to show up with six blackberries and hand them to me with a blank look on their face. Having never built a blackberry exchange server in my life much less never having touched a blackberry I spent the next three weeks alternating between panic and rage as I set up a company wide communication system with nothing but my wiles and google to help me through.

Note: I was never, ever a fan of the dickheads at Cingular who do nothing but fuck around their customers and could give a shit if you leave because someone will just take your place (fewest dropped calls my ASS) but they earned even more points by being the biggest asswad monkeyfuckers ever by offering absolutely no support or help when it comes to setting up a corporate account. The sales people are all up on you with promises of tech support and in-person assistance until you sign on the dotted line and then *poof* they vanish into the night like Hilary's southern accent in the North. Naturally I was not kept in the loop regarding the purchase of said mobile devices, what with me being the fucking head of the IT department and all, no one felt it was necessary to clue me in. No, they just dumped it all in my lap one day with the attitude that I would wave a magic wand and it would be done.

If I could sue my company for the development of tenosynovitis and far-sited vision I would. If I could personally strangle each and every employee of Cingular with my bare, albeit crippled, hands I would. If I could just get the motherfucking blackberries to sync with the goddamn outlook addresses I would.

What does all this rambling mean to me and my vacation? It means that work can email and call and text me anytime with my new POS blackberry 8800 and therefore any stupid dumbfuck thing they do while I am away can now be amended by contacting me via the powers of technology. I would be grateful except: A) remember the whole tenosynovitis thing? I wear braces for it and take heavy duty anti-inflamitories and it is still AGONY to type on those twee little buttons, not to mention the farsightedness I developed from starting at a computer screen 14 hours a day now means that I need to hold the blackberry two inches from my nose to see the screen and B) these people actually expect me to be checking this thing seven days a week, 24 hours a day. Son of a bitch. Hence I can take a real vacation after two years of toiling in one of hell's outer dungeons. Think of it not so much as a vacation but as a way for work to torture me while I am trying to drink my memories away on the beach.

I think I can actually post from the blackberry but I am not about to use company equipment for my personal use. Hell, if I were cool with that I would have taken to selling off office furniture and dry goods on the black market to supplement my paltry salary.

I will not likely be able to post for a week starting Saturday June 23 through Sunday July 01. I do not want the *new* blog to wilt listlessly away while I am trying to smother the incessant ringing of the blackberry to death under a pillow in my super posh (read: ghetto) hotel room. Is there anyone who would like to volunteer? Actually, I would love it if anyone on my blogroll volunteered, and there are a few of you who hold a very special place in my heart, but I understand what it is to be busy. I don't want to dump obligation on someone if they can't or don't want to do it. Luckily there isn't too much pressure, I mean, it is not as though I have set a standard of excellence that is currently unreachable, unless you could manage to use more vulgar swearing in your post than me, monkeyfuckers.

So, just let me know. I am noperfume@gmail.com for chatting or email. You can also mention your burning desire to do my work and post for me in the comments and I will email you my login id and password to blogger, providing, of course, that you don't give away my seeeeeecret identity. Please don't violate my trust. I will throw my blackberry at you.