The Pressure

I think my head's going to explode from it.

Wow. What a sweet introduction. Yay. I get to try to live up to that.

Hi everybody.

(echo)

OOH! Yes! HI! You in the back! Oh. Sorry. You're here for the other show. Right. Well, I'll be done shortly.

(crickets)

Fabulous.

(hurk)

That would be the sound of me choking.

Well, no time like the present. Taking the bull by the horns. Etc.

(cue music)

For my first guest artist entry, I bring you...

(Dons beret, black turtleneck, nerd glasses)

SPAMKU

Enlarge Your P3NIS!!!
From Damocles Eakin. Great!
But I don’t have one.

YOU HAVE WON MILLION$$
IN THE EUROLOTTERY
Need CC# to claim.

(Yes, I know it doesn’t fit. You want to get picky? You come up here and do this fucking job. It isn’t easy, living up to Eris.)

REMAIN BLESS says Jane.
What the fuck? Ah, she’s from Gha-
Na. Note smells phishy

Yeah, I know. Weak weak weak. Hey. It’s early. I have a high school mask workshop to plan. And a garden to weed and an office to move into and a rug to weave and a window to paint and… Sweet Jesus, I need a maid. And a secretary. And about six other sexist women-limiting assistants. A laundress and a cook and…

(Giant hook drags Sallyacious off stage. Head emerges from wings to add)

And I’ll come back when I’m not trying so hard.

(Blows kisses as hook drags her back out of sight.)

-- -- -- by Sallyacious