How many more titles can I make called Yes I Am Still Here?

Am. So. Tired.

But still alive, so NOTHING to complain about.

My guts are still in a tumble, and my belly is still swollen and sticking out, but if the inflammation goes down more I may avoid surgery. My energy levels are still incredibly low, yes, even lower than when I am going through a depressive episode, but since I can attribute it to something I am taking it marginally better.

My neck hurts. Always. And if I don't pay attention and wind up guarding it my back pain winds up excrutiatingly bad. 6 days out of 7 I have a pretty good attitude about constant, ridiculous, ongoing pain but by day 7 I'm not so optimistic, especially since I can't take the edge off with any painkillers (hello ulcer) and drinking is not an option (what am I, really stupid?) and I can't just run my head into a wall to knock myself out (that would exacerbate the neck injury, me thinks).

My birthday is coming up so of course I'm getting all introspective and miserable. This health chapter of my life started the end of April and has eaten up four months of my time. I always get down on myself this time of year and not really doing anything for so a long time has left me antsy. Where is my "career" going? Why is it so hard to find decent friends? Why did I make it another year still being 20 lbs overweight? WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?

What the hell indeed.

Tonight I am sitting home alone because I am too tired to even attempt to find someone to do something with and instead I am probably going to fall asleep while the sun is still out only to wake up to back and neck spasms at which time I will watch basic cable infomercials until I fall asleep again. But even for all of this I cannot stress enough: I am still alive. And that is very, very good.

One down, just a few more to go

Skin cancer cells are only pre cancerous and fully treatable. I go back in in three weeks.

August 7 I know what kind of surgery I need and how long the recovery will be for my twisted intestines and ulcer.

Thank you for the kind words and support.

Good Grief

The Good:

I'm still alive (this has much importance later, see below)
I'm still employed
I have a car that starts every day
I'm dating
My apartment has managed to stay some semblance of clean for several months


The Bad:

We lost my Grandmother on May 8,2008.

The next day I nearly died in the hospital. If my boyfriend hadn't been there to drag me to the ER when I passed out from pain I wouldn't be here today.

My intestines twisted and ruptured. I had a firm 80% chance of death. I am currently a mass of swollen scar tissue in my abdomin and I need major surgery soon. The reason I didn't take the emergency surgery they tried to give me in the hospital is a long and convoluted tale based on them not being clear about what was wrong with me and me being so high on morphine and thowing up everywhere that I begged off for just a couple of hours because I wanted to understand what they were saying.

I am apparently quite lucky to be alive, which I didn't fully know until just this Thursday, when I was tag team berrated by specialists who finally got my damn paperwork (some clerk forgot to send it or something) and I am rather in shock, and scared, because I don't know how I am supposed to process this information.

I greatly tore pretty much everything in the left side of my neck and besides being in constant daily pain I have physical therapy three times a week until hell freezes over and I can't take any pain pills to help.

The intestine rupture prevents me from taking any pain pills to help. My primary doctor asked, after scaring the bejebus out of me, if I was tired all the time. Of course! But I thought it was just being in constant neck and back pain that was wearing me down. Turns out I'm recovering from freaking near death and that, among other little things, takes it's toll on a person.

And suprise! It looks like I may have skin cancer. I get some things biopsied on the 16th of this month. Skin cancer runs in my family.

Could there be anymore?

Sure, but those are the major points.

And my neck is killing me. As always.

I've missed you guys much, and I promise it won't be three months until I write again, but it may be weeks at a time. I need to see more specialists and figure out what they are going to do about this mess, which really is a gigantic stupid mess that makes me even more tired and frustrated on top of everything else.

I could really use a drink right now. Or 10. But since that is out of the question why don't you have a few for me?

Hugs for you all.

This Post Brought to you by...

Vicodin
Muscle Relaxers
Anti-inflamitories
Frozen Bags of Peas
And some massive heartbreak/disappointment


I also have to be quick because I am not supposed to be on the computer (shhhh, don't tell anyone). A couple of weeks ago, while out being social (with people! I know!) I managed to mess my neck up really, really bad. It may have been the wicked awesome dance moves, or the smooch fest with an old flame, or maybe just me having the audacity to move my neck, but I did something bad. I'm still in substantial pain and have missed much work on mandatory bed rest. The massive, major, heartbreaking side affect of all this is that I MISSED THE DAMN LINGERIE SHOW. The pain did not make me cry. The sheer boredom of being trapped alone in my apartment for days on end with nothing but narcotics to keep me company did not make me cry.

But being forced to drop out of the show made me cry.

It will be a couple of weeks before I can post again because I'm still on mandatory no computer use (the angle is bad for my neck) so I won't be able to catch up with all of you for a long time. I miss you all badly. The only words of wisdom I have for you is this: If you ever sign up to be in a lingerie show that you are super phyched up for don't go and fuck your neck up because you will cry for two weeks after the missed show because the opportunity will never again present itself.

Now it is time for more meds and seriously, my neck is spasming. Gah.

I miss you.

A porky vacation

I gained 7 pounds in less than a week.

And it was soooooooo worth it.

I pretty much ate my way through my mini-vacation. Almost a full course meal every two hours. Of course there was also the ocean, the comedy show we saw, people watching and more but there was food: Food. Food. Food.

And now I have to pay the price. I need to work out two times a day, everyday, and eat nothing but air and water until april 12th.

Sallyacious and Thelongversion I have to get in a message for you both: Wordpress hates me and has eaten many of my comments after I try to post them. I don't know if it is my computer or what but I'm giving up and just sticking a postit to my computer screen in hopes that it magically finds it way to you.

I'm off to eat another delicious air meal. Kisses.

I'm still here, even if my internet isn't

You know what rocks?

The fact that I am a pretty high level IT person and I can't get my own damn home internet to work.

Yup, it rocks.

It proves that the "professionals", regardless the field, likely have little to no clue what is going on and probably got a liberal arts degree that will only serve to keep the person in perpetual student loan debt until death.

So I'm sitting the corner of my bedroom, huddled against the wall on the floor because I can't move the network cable for the internet or else it will inexplicably die. I probably have to buy a new network cable. Or it has something to do with the magnetic fields sent out by the sun, but really, who understands the mysteries of non working internet? No one. And those who do are liars. Dirty, dirty liars.

I'm glad I at least got it to work enough to post this becuase I am leaving town for four days and didn't want to go even longer between posts. I am going on an extended girls weekend in a fab city. Naturally this means that one of the girls is acting super flaky and weird and started dating a really, super creepy married guy. AWESOME. The other girl has some kind of viral doom plague and can't talk without launching into a crippling coughing fit. Why, why, oh why does everything I attempt to do have to be such trouble? Did I steal money from the blind in a previous life? Kick puppies? Do you think it is my gaping head wound?

My wrists are killing me and I'm cold so I'm going to post this while I can. Take care y'all!

Sometimes I wish you guys lived in the same city as me so bad so that we could hang out. You could tell me which pair of latex thigh high boots best complimented the bustier I have to wear in the upcoming fashion show and I, in turn, could listen endlessly to you talk about your varied and facinating lives.

Is it possible to miss people you've never met?

As for people I've met in "real life" I was supposed to go out tonight. Then it snowed like a foot. This would not deter me in any way because I grew up in snow country and snow is no biggie, but it freaks out the people in the city where I live and especially the people I was supposed to meet up with tonight. Luckily they called before I put my makeup on but to say I'm bummed doesn't even cover it. I was really, really lookig forward to tonight and facing another night alone (in a series of what? 10,000?) makes my little heart break a bit. Ah well. There will be other nights right?

Right?

...


...



...

I should pull the pin curls out of my hair but I just don't have the heart yet. If I spent this much time on my hair the universe will come up with something for me to do, yes? No? Okay. I guess I'll just turn in early. And dream of a social life.