A Cause I Can Totally Get Behind (because the Universe is a bitch to me in first world ways too)

Since I can't actively seem to help my own karma as it spirals dangerously into realms of crapness (I have a way with words, don't I? Says the person who has google Non-Alcoholic Liver Disease obsessively and can no longer form coherant sentences) I'm sending the universe a big F U by helping out this guy.

If you click the link you'll be able to find the original article on Cracked, one of my all time favorite websites (and where I now get 99% of all my knowledge aside from WebMD and Dr. Google) and the explanation that follows. If you can spare it send him a dollar. I worry that the burden of having to respond to approximately 2000 people (some will donate more than a dollar, I did) will probably push him over the edge but I can't think that far into the future. Not when my liver has decided to crap out on me for mysterious unknown metabolic reasons, the only minor help for which at this point is to lose weight and OF COURSE, ironically, said issue makes it damn near impossible to lose weight (which explains the 20 lbs that have refused to drop off my fat ass in the last four to six years). That's like saying the only cure for my sunburn is to stand in the sun, or something. I told you, I'm amazing with words.

Return of the great white dope

My life has not gone entirely the way I wanted it to. If I were totally frank I would say that it has actually, utterly, and totally gone entirely a way I would not have wanted it to go.

I have never been invited to a big beautiful sweeping mansion for a twilight backyard soiree.

I have never made the acquaintance with eccentric, rich, brilliant rich type folk to have expansive hedge mazes on their property guarded by large beautiful gargoyles that we frolic through at night, breathless, carrying champagne, giggling and scaring each other.

I have never been to New Zealand.

I have never lounged on a yacht.

I have never found myself in the position of being offered a fabulous job that fits all my qualifications beautifully, one where I can ride my bike to work, preferably have a window overlooking some sort of water, and be wry and smart all day, surrounded by good hardworking people that are fun to share a drink with after work (drinking, at this point, is a whole 'nother issue as it has recently been discovered that my liver is very, very bad. I did not imagine that my body would be so wholly feeble and incompetent for the task of living even as it was constantly breaking down as a child and I certainly didn't believe that entire systems, starting with the reproductive followed by the digestive and now the liver would simply give up entirely).

I imagined my life would take many courses, I imagined it would all turn out fine, somehow. But I never set my sites high. There were really only two very specific things I wanted, more than anything, for my life to have: My very own apartment with white walls and a good view, and friends. Oh god how I have wanted, struggled for, momentarily done well with, then lost, friends. The only good thing about getting older, which is not to be underestimated, is having a modicum of control over your life, or at least the illusion thereof. You couldn't pay me to even remember the unbelievable hell that was my early 20s ever again. You couldn't bribe me to experience my mid 20s ever again. And now, closing dangerously in on 30, still struggling with the exact same things as ever, all you would get from me are bittersweet tears over my late 20s.

My life has failed me, in ways small and in ways momentous, over and over and over and over and over again. I am not, I hope, bitter. I am forever hopeful. The girl in me who went to elementary school alone everyday but still somehow believed that friends would come along (and some did, for the first truly wonderful bit of my life in 4th grade and 4th grade only -- it would be six long years before I got to experience friendship and belonging again) still exists. She still always believes that things are going to get better. Even now, she stubbornly insists that even though we are up against a ledge age wise in a city we hate trapped in a job that is killing us and the love of our life just betrayed us and our health is worse than ever, that right around the corner good things await. Friends are there. Fun is there. Just hold on.

I don't know whether she is the sweetly hopeful proof of why humanity continues to exist or quite simply completely, totally, utterly deluded and insane. The best predictor of the future is the past and my past? Not great. But I'm hopeful. Like the end of Sweet Charity, I suppose I'm stuck living hopefully ever after, even though it never works out, and right now, right now: I am quite alone.

Which is, as always, okay.

And this is what I can give you because the last five months have produced nothing but misery and sharing what I wrote with you would make cerebral fuilds leak out your ear. If you had lived the last five months with me it is likely you would not have cerebral fluids left. It has been...hilariously horrible.

And I have missed you all.

2011: augh

The breakup is still relentlessly kicking my ass.

Luckily the universe decided to help me by distracting me to the point of insanity:

I was a maid of honor in an ex boyfriend's wedding (not this ex, a different one. who is gay).

My apartment was destroyed by smoke and water after the unit above mine had a fire. 6 units in all were destroyed.

A lady backed into my car.

Work is insane.

I'm surviving but heartbreak is an unbelievable bitch. I have a handle on it during the day, mostly, but the dreams I have to contend with leave me emotionally drained and crying by morning. I'd like to take a non-crying shower sometime soon in my new empty apartment but that is one milestone I have to keep hoping for as time passes.

I'm around, I'm heartbroken, I'm okay.

Wow, this is gonna hurt.

When the shock finally lets me feel it.

Broke up with my boyfriend of three years last night. Over the phone. Because he is a non-commital son of a bitch who has been jerking me around for months and lied about his intentions. That won't make the heartbreak hurt any less, when it does hurt, because right now I'm sorta in a totally dazed shock.

yay life.

I'd like to say we're back in business, but...

I can't commit to regularly posting yet.

Much has happened that I should tell you about, well, nothing monumental I suppose. Same job (now with 45% more suckage), same apartment (now with horrorfying bug infestation and nightmarishly bad upstairs neighbors), same relationship (now with resentment building on my side as the boy is being committment phobic), same car (no complaints, starts daily!), living in the same city (which makes sense when you read above), around the same weight (give 5 or 10 pounds, I don't know, I haven't weighed myself since last May-ish, but my "big" clothes are tight), mostly the same, really, and yet...different.

The holidays are upon us! Really, we are in the midst of them. This year I've decided to not throw my annual holiday party. I love being festive and I yearn for that warmth society tells us we should have, surrounded by friends, having good food and enjoying the company of others. This year I want a low key holiday. And, if you read the guide I wrote last year about throwing a holiday party I'm also freaking tired of trying to wrangle damn people into some kind of cohesive get together. A year off should be good, I'll be able to approach next year with renewed vigor. I'm tired of people flaking, not having enough people to invite, people showing up and being weird, blowing tons of money on one night, and I'm meloncoly (in a good way, sorta) because I yearn for friends who live around the country, for a get together that won't happen, and I'm not going to settle for a shell of that idea.

I just want, for ONCE, to be invtied to someone else's damn holiday party. The kind where you get dressed up and eat decent food and laugh and have a good time, is that so much to ask for? I don't think I'm making this up, I think these kinds of parties happen, I just want to know why I have made it this close to 30 and still failed to access the kind of social circle said things happen in. I may be depressed, damnit, but I'm not a complete hermit.

This year I'm happy to save money and not dip into my paltry savings for Christmas. I plan on getting a small tree, I'm sticking to a strict budget for presents and foregoing the holiday swaree. A bit of me wonders too if people will even notice or miss my get-together. Maybe that will motivate someone next year to throw their own. And luckily I'll be too busy to really notice it isn't happening. This weekend I have to clean, my apartment is a shambles, (I fear finding more bugs when I clean but that is an entire post, perhaps book, for another time) and relax. Next weekend is busy with family stuff and helping friends move to their new house. The following weekend is full family time as we are celebrating the holiday a week early to accomidate schedules. The following weekend is actualy Christmas, which I hope will be low key and lovely and will be spent with my signifigant other.

This time of year makes me miss friends desperately and yearn for the sort of family my family should be, but aren't. That's okay. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be lonely for something that I've never had. It's okay that I've been unable to create such things in my life, I'm okay and it is okay and I'm not going to worry about it. Just acknowlegde the sadness and move on. That's the best way I can describe it.

Do any of you have exciting holiday plans you wish to share? Believe me, just being with your family, around a tree, all together is exciting. Or, if you don't do the holiday which requires the tree, just spending time with friends and family this season is exciting and wonderful in and of itself. If I don't post before the end of the year I wish the best for all of you, and miss all of you, and know that I condsider each of you part of my extended family, the one we get to create as adults. Much love and misses, Eris

So my birthday happened

Among other things. It was okay, I'm okay, I'm still around, but damn if depression ain't kicking the bejebus outta me.

I miss you.

I miss ME.

I need to get me back, somehow, but I have to weather this first.

Work Internet Use (or, Deja Vu, because I know I've mentioned this before, but now with new developments)

Whereas I don’t think I really, absolutely, totally abused the internet at work (no online gambling, porn, celebrity gossip, shoe shopping, blogging, gaming, plotting against world organizations, etc), I certainly used it more than our policy allows (30 minutes a week, only work appropriate).

I check several email accounts, the news, my bank accounts and some of my favorite blogs from work daily. If things are really slow, or if I’m particularly fed up and really hating on my job I’ll visit cracked or xkcd or just surf around looking for stuff to read. I do all this in a very transparent manner; I don’t try to sneak past the tracking or the work proxy. I enter my credentials, my user name and password, into the proxy prompt every time I go to the web and I know damn well that HR has a list with every site I’ve visited, which is probably fairly ugly and perhaps even a bit embarrassing (and this without me reading up on trashy celeb gossip!).

Over a year ago, I may have even blogged about it here; it came to my attention that my non-work related internet usage was the highest in my division. I was amazed. Other people spend HOURS on the internet. There is printing of LOLcatz galore and shoe shopping abounds and all-around shenanigans of the web variety taking place. That is when I learned about secret DSL and wireless lines and people coming up with creative ways to bypass the tracking proxy. Which REALLY PISSED ME OFF.

In the overall scheme of things my job is fairly lenient and relaxed. At least, in comparison to other jobs I have had. The rules are very realistic and simple and easy to abide by if you aren’t, oh, say, a giant freaking jerk face. Which many of the people I work with, nay, many of the people on this planet are. The obvious and insane abuse of work amenities and time just added to the continually growing list of super messed up crap people pull around here, so I was angry as hell, and even angrier because I knew NOTHING WOULD BE DONE. NOTHING. We have a person who shows up an hour and a half late to work every day, takes two hour lunches, disappears for hours at a time and is a nightmare to work with. Their attitude was so bad that they finally quit last year, which was great, but then, being the failure that they are, they came crawling back. AND WE HIRED THEM BACK. They made it to work on time for about two months and are now back to being a ridiculously F’d up employee, but nothing will be done. Nothing was ever done, (which is why documentation is important oh managers out there!) and they will continue to do 15% of the job I do, in half the hours, for more than I make. My job is really getting me down. But it is worse elsewhere and there are no jobs to be had in this economy and oh lord, did I steal money from blind children in a previous life?

ANYHOO the reason I tell you this is because today, amazingly, my division head said in a big cross division meeting that management is aware that there is rampant abuse of the internet and that it needs to stop. They know about the secret wireless and DSL and better yet some jackasses are using generic login/password combos (the ones we use for testing) to access the internet. They understand that we are stressed (read: lazy entitled bastards) but it needs to stop and they will document it and pull us aside if they have to.

Now, I do abuse the internet at work according to our rules. Ya, I’m not awful, but I’m still not following policy. But I’m also not lying about it or doing anything sneaky, I’m honest about my abuse. That makes me a good person (heh). Of the few constants in my life I can tell you this: I’m honest. I always have been. I always will be. It is important to me that even when abusing work policy I’m still honest about it, and other people should be too. Is that too much to ask? I think not. I’m not saying I’m perfect or wonderful or better than everybody (I’m better than the liars) but I am honest, and non honesty really, really, really bugs me.

Knowing how my employer works nothing will come of the internet abuse warning. If management even tries to talk to someone, which they won’t, then that employee will threaten to grievance and not a damn thing will be done. I don’t care. I’m just super super happy that something was said, that management saw or listened to someone pointing the internet malarkey out (even though I pointed it out 18 goddamn months ago and jackshit was done). It was nice to hear. My standards, indeed, are quite different from what they were three years ago.

Of course, I’m going to have to hold onto this happiness as a distraction because good grief, 6 hours in and I MISS the internet. I’m having withdrawals. I don’t know what my bank balance is or what the local news is (hint: stabbing/shooting/assault in my neighborhood, but where?) or if I got any blog comments. I’m both thrilled at this morning’s announcement and ashamed that I’m this addicted to work internet. A half hour a day is two hours more than we’re allowed a week, which means I’m into semantics. I never lied or finagled my internet, but I abused the policy. I argue that the people up to no good are far more evil and rotten then I am but a broken rule is also a broken rule.

What do you think?