Yeah, no title because I'm not creating eighty posts with the title "weight loss update". Instead I'm going to label the posts in an attempt to create some organization. This here is just a quickie because I am busy sobbing uncontrollably and screaming at the universe/myself/my stupid degrees because I just filed my taxes. And yeah. The number I made last year is again really, really sad. Like I qualify for federal aide sad. And I hate myself and lack of earning power right now.
Anyhoo:
I have not and will not weigh myself until February 07 so I don't know how I'm doing on the three pounds in two weeks goal. I made it to strength rehab all three times this last week but only managed to fit in two exercise sessions. My eating is okay... not the worst it has ever been but not the best. And I've all but cut out the booze which were just extra calories anyway.
Cheers. I'm off to research kidney resale values.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Damn flourescent lighting
When I leave my house in the morning I look pretty good. I usually manage to shower, brush my teeth, put on mascara and clean clothes. Today I took extra time with my hair and makeup (Eyeliner! Shadow! Blending!) because I am meeting an old co-worker for lunch (yes, one from the JOB OF HELL). I kinda ratted my hair out into a poof, twisted the ends up into some buns (long hair) and then slid on two accordion like headbands so that the poof is contained and I look, in my morning delirium, both work professional and trendy.
Yeah.
The fuck?
I get to work and after washing my hands in the bathroom I catch a glimpse of myself. My hair looks like warmed over shit. It is awkward and flat in some places, poofy and snarled in others, and it is not doing my forehead any favors to have my hair so severely pulled back.
What looked like expert blending at home has become splotchy and hideous, makes my eyes look squinty and my forehead has become oil slick shiny in less than an HOUR since leaving home. My nose is peeling, blackheads visible, my cheeks look like a drive by clowining with blush, the coverup I applied is the wrong color and I have a huge flakey patch of skin next to my mouth. What. The. Hell.
It is no wonder I hate coming to work. I leave my house looking like a normal human being and once I pass the threshold I'm transformed to a bridge troll who clearly doesn't have over a decade of hair and makeup experience. I feel like I'm akin to Britney in that sad interview where she did her own hair and makeup, the one where her hair extensions were screaming audibly in horror, her false eyelash was flapping in the wind and it appeared that she only put purple eye shadow on one eye, and, oh gob, I'm chewing gum! Shoot me! Shoot me now!
Part of my goal this year was to find a face care system that works for me, start addressing the wrinkles that I'm getting (botox, I'm looking at you) and come up with a way for my makeup to look natural and decent. I've known in the back of my mind that what worked for me at 16 is no longer working for me a decade later and that my skin is getting worse that it was ever in my life but I've been avoiding the whole thing for several reasons:
A) Lack of money. The few things I tried (Philosophy can F itself, it burns! Burrrrrrrrrns! And caused acne so bad I SCARRED for the first time in my life!) were total wastes of time and money and made my skin worse.
B) Lack of knowledge. I don't know what I'm doing here people. I realize I need some kind of cleanser and exfoliater and now I need retinols (or peptides, or free radicals, or something) but I have no idea how or in what. Plus I need sunscreen and moisturizer and I need to stop the wrinkles now but sweet baby jebus I am only one woman! I work and feed myself, isn't that enough? Now I need to figure this out too?
C) There is too much "information" but not enough information, you know? I could read everything the internet has to say on the subject and come away knowing no more that if I'd just spent that time rubbing nacho cheese on my face and watching infomercials. Delicious and mind numbing.
Today just reinforces my need to get this taken care of. I know, I know, it is shallow to worry about such things but looking like hot crap makes me feel like hot crap and feeling like hot crap spills over into every aspect of my life until I can't even get out of bed in the morning.
If you need me I'll be blotting my forehead with printer paper and crying over my hair. You know, Britney and I may be kindred spirits in some ways. There are days when I just want to shave all my hair off too, I mean, mine is related to the frustration associated with having to clean it and style it daily, not with trying to get out of drug testing because my ex husband is trying to takes mah babies away but you know, it is all essentially the same, right?
Yeah.
The fuck?
I get to work and after washing my hands in the bathroom I catch a glimpse of myself. My hair looks like warmed over shit. It is awkward and flat in some places, poofy and snarled in others, and it is not doing my forehead any favors to have my hair so severely pulled back.
What looked like expert blending at home has become splotchy and hideous, makes my eyes look squinty and my forehead has become oil slick shiny in less than an HOUR since leaving home. My nose is peeling, blackheads visible, my cheeks look like a drive by clowining with blush, the coverup I applied is the wrong color and I have a huge flakey patch of skin next to my mouth. What. The. Hell.
It is no wonder I hate coming to work. I leave my house looking like a normal human being and once I pass the threshold I'm transformed to a bridge troll who clearly doesn't have over a decade of hair and makeup experience. I feel like I'm akin to Britney in that sad interview where she did her own hair and makeup, the one where her hair extensions were screaming audibly in horror, her false eyelash was flapping in the wind and it appeared that she only put purple eye shadow on one eye, and, oh gob, I'm chewing gum! Shoot me! Shoot me now!
Part of my goal this year was to find a face care system that works for me, start addressing the wrinkles that I'm getting (botox, I'm looking at you) and come up with a way for my makeup to look natural and decent. I've known in the back of my mind that what worked for me at 16 is no longer working for me a decade later and that my skin is getting worse that it was ever in my life but I've been avoiding the whole thing for several reasons:
A) Lack of money. The few things I tried (Philosophy can F itself, it burns! Burrrrrrrrrns! And caused acne so bad I SCARRED for the first time in my life!) were total wastes of time and money and made my skin worse.
B) Lack of knowledge. I don't know what I'm doing here people. I realize I need some kind of cleanser and exfoliater and now I need retinols (or peptides, or free radicals, or something) but I have no idea how or in what. Plus I need sunscreen and moisturizer and I need to stop the wrinkles now but sweet baby jebus I am only one woman! I work and feed myself, isn't that enough? Now I need to figure this out too?
C) There is too much "information" but not enough information, you know? I could read everything the internet has to say on the subject and come away knowing no more that if I'd just spent that time rubbing nacho cheese on my face and watching infomercials. Delicious and mind numbing.
Today just reinforces my need to get this taken care of. I know, I know, it is shallow to worry about such things but looking like hot crap makes me feel like hot crap and feeling like hot crap spills over into every aspect of my life until I can't even get out of bed in the morning.
If you need me I'll be blotting my forehead with printer paper and crying over my hair. You know, Britney and I may be kindred spirits in some ways. There are days when I just want to shave all my hair off too, I mean, mine is related to the frustration associated with having to clean it and style it daily, not with trying to get out of drug testing because my ex husband is trying to takes mah babies away but you know, it is all essentially the same, right?
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Internet Accountability
I am looking to you, Internet, to be my support group and accountability crew.
I will lose, and keep off, 3 pounds in the next two weeks. By February 07 I expect you to check in and make sure that I have lost the weight.
That is a small, manageable chunk, yes?
Only three pounds. (What is that metric? 8 stone or something? Do I have to convert kilos by pi? I expect you metric folks to do that conversion on your own too.)
I am holding myself to the requirement that I work out 6 times in the next two weeks. That is a small, wonderful number. I will also be going to strength rehab 6 times in that two week period as well but that won't count as the workouts.
My theory is this: The grand total of the weight I want to lose is daunting so I have decided instead to break it into manageable chunks. I can do anything for two weeks and I can certainly manage to lose 3 pounds. I'm actually very excited and relieved about this. 3 pounds is not a number that freaks me out.
However, this also means that YOU, yes YOU Internet are along for the ride and I fully expect you to be the support that my conscience needs to get this going. Plus if I am accountable to people that I actually care about (and I care about you Internet) my chances of success are even that much higher.
So come on! Comment or email and show your support! I know that at least three of you still read! I expect to hear from Andy, Ashley and of course Sally. Hearing from The CEO or Hollowsquirrel would be nice too but after a nearly 9 month absence from regular blogging I don't expect to get you guys back right away. Maybe if I blog regularly for awhile again I will start seeing everyone again.
I have an apple or orange to eat now so I'll catch you later. Certainly before February 07.
I will lose, and keep off, 3 pounds in the next two weeks. By February 07 I expect you to check in and make sure that I have lost the weight.
That is a small, manageable chunk, yes?
Only three pounds. (What is that metric? 8 stone or something? Do I have to convert kilos by pi? I expect you metric folks to do that conversion on your own too.)
I am holding myself to the requirement that I work out 6 times in the next two weeks. That is a small, wonderful number. I will also be going to strength rehab 6 times in that two week period as well but that won't count as the workouts.
My theory is this: The grand total of the weight I want to lose is daunting so I have decided instead to break it into manageable chunks. I can do anything for two weeks and I can certainly manage to lose 3 pounds. I'm actually very excited and relieved about this. 3 pounds is not a number that freaks me out.
However, this also means that YOU, yes YOU Internet are along for the ride and I fully expect you to be the support that my conscience needs to get this going. Plus if I am accountable to people that I actually care about (and I care about you Internet) my chances of success are even that much higher.
So come on! Comment or email and show your support! I know that at least three of you still read! I expect to hear from Andy, Ashley and of course Sally. Hearing from The CEO or Hollowsquirrel would be nice too but after a nearly 9 month absence from regular blogging I don't expect to get you guys back right away. Maybe if I blog regularly for awhile again I will start seeing everyone again.
I have an apple or orange to eat now so I'll catch you later. Certainly before February 07.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
One step forward, half a step back? Maybe?
I'm not sure how to quantify 2008. When I look at cold, hard facts it was both a year of positive change and forward growth but also a year of great sadness, difficulty, and major issues.
My Grandmother passed away and the next day I nearly died.
But this drove me to attempt to live life in the moment and try things I wouldn't have done before.
I got out of the crippling debt that has haunted me for years, mostly.
But I jumped right into a car payment that has me cursing the lack of public transportation in this county daily.
I listened to my therapist and let myself be vulnerable in my relationship. (Gah, how new world, I bet tribe people in the rain forest don't have to let themselves "be vulnerable") (GAH, but I bet tribe people in the freaking rain forest don't have to deal with the same caliber of baggage western culture dumps on us, discussions about drug use, pornography, previous relationships etc.)(Cripes I wonder if I could survive in the rain forest?) This is a big, big thing for me and even if I walk away getting really, really hurt I know that it wasn't my fault and that I tried.
I maintained a new romantic relationship in 2008 but I wish I'd made more friends. I don't know how to make friends but I wish I had tried, again, even if it is always an exercise in frustration. Damn, actually, I just wish being social didn't give me the heebie jeebies in my stomach and make me want to hide in my closet. Take tonight for instance. I have an actual eVite to go to an actual get together to potentially meet some new people and I can't even bring myself to shower I'm so damn shaken. I wish in 2008 I could have gotten over my social phobia. Sometimes it is worse than other times and right now? It is super powerful. I should just go, I know, even if it sucks, and what am I afraid of but rational thought doesn't ally my fears.
Theoretically, If I hadn't been one walking health disaster after another and half crippled for most of the year I really, really wish I'd gotten more exercise in 2008. Much like the mental block that freaks me out about social situations I seem to have developed a huge mental block against exercise. Even if I could go jogging without hurting myself right now I don't know if I'd do it. The exercise motivation widget ran off (heh) with my damn social situation abilities.
I do focus on the accomplishments of 2008 but that makes me yearn much more powerfully to have truly meaningful accomplishments in 2009. I want to get healthy and lose 25 pounds. I want to see friends more often and do fun social things. I want to make money and keep digging out of debt. I want to save money and build for my retirement future. I want to make strides toward a fulfilling and meaningful career and get out of my J O B. I want to have healthy relationships and attitudes toward my family so that I'm not drained and crazy every time I have contact with them. I want to maintain my individuality and sanity while being in a mature, mutually respectful relationship.
But right now? I just want an excuse to not go to this thing tonight. How can so much of me want what is good while the little part that needs to hide always wins?
What do you want for 2008?
My Grandmother passed away and the next day I nearly died.
But this drove me to attempt to live life in the moment and try things I wouldn't have done before.
I got out of the crippling debt that has haunted me for years, mostly.
But I jumped right into a car payment that has me cursing the lack of public transportation in this county daily.
I listened to my therapist and let myself be vulnerable in my relationship. (Gah, how new world, I bet tribe people in the rain forest don't have to let themselves "be vulnerable") (GAH, but I bet tribe people in the freaking rain forest don't have to deal with the same caliber of baggage western culture dumps on us, discussions about drug use, pornography, previous relationships etc.)(Cripes I wonder if I could survive in the rain forest?) This is a big, big thing for me and even if I walk away getting really, really hurt I know that it wasn't my fault and that I tried.
I maintained a new romantic relationship in 2008 but I wish I'd made more friends. I don't know how to make friends but I wish I had tried, again, even if it is always an exercise in frustration. Damn, actually, I just wish being social didn't give me the heebie jeebies in my stomach and make me want to hide in my closet. Take tonight for instance. I have an actual eVite to go to an actual get together to potentially meet some new people and I can't even bring myself to shower I'm so damn shaken. I wish in 2008 I could have gotten over my social phobia. Sometimes it is worse than other times and right now? It is super powerful. I should just go, I know, even if it sucks, and what am I afraid of but rational thought doesn't ally my fears.
Theoretically, If I hadn't been one walking health disaster after another and half crippled for most of the year I really, really wish I'd gotten more exercise in 2008. Much like the mental block that freaks me out about social situations I seem to have developed a huge mental block against exercise. Even if I could go jogging without hurting myself right now I don't know if I'd do it. The exercise motivation widget ran off (heh) with my damn social situation abilities.
I do focus on the accomplishments of 2008 but that makes me yearn much more powerfully to have truly meaningful accomplishments in 2009. I want to get healthy and lose 25 pounds. I want to see friends more often and do fun social things. I want to make money and keep digging out of debt. I want to save money and build for my retirement future. I want to make strides toward a fulfilling and meaningful career and get out of my J O B. I want to have healthy relationships and attitudes toward my family so that I'm not drained and crazy every time I have contact with them. I want to maintain my individuality and sanity while being in a mature, mutually respectful relationship.
But right now? I just want an excuse to not go to this thing tonight. How can so much of me want what is good while the little part that needs to hide always wins?
What do you want for 2008?
Thursday, January 22, 2009
More Humiliating Confession Time
I really, really, really love this song: Poker Face by Lady Gaga (if the link doesn't work just YouTube the title).
Seriously.
LOVE.
It makes me want to fashion my hair into a bow and dance around my living room like a crazy person.
It makes me want to wear a one shoulder black latex jumpsuit to work.
It makes me want to find my best pair of granny panties, pair them with high heels, and rock a night out on the town.
My friends, I have lost my mind, and it has a soundtrack.
Now, I know what you are thinking. You look to me as a discerning woman of musical taste. You know that I find pop repellent, injurious to true creativity and an insult to the intelligence of humanity. You know that I strive to seek out creative musicians and albums produced by people who love the art and are trying to express more than their famewhoring needs to gyrate to synth pop. But, oh, Gob. Do I love this song.
Muh Muh Muh Muh Mah Poker Face
Muh Muh Muh Muhhhhhhh
And I really kind of dig the singer too....
She's not traditionally pretty but there is a charisma about her that is stunning. She studied all the "real" musical artists at music school and her name is a derivative of a Bowie reference. Singer aside the song has invaded my soul and is pumping through my bloodstream.
I plan to spend the evening fashioning all of my bedsheets into this rocking leotard/hood combo:
Bonus, I totally got a digital camera for Christmas so I'll be able to share my sewing endeavor with you! And hey, if you happen to have yards of spandex laying around please send it to me...I need it. For my poker face.
Seriously.
LOVE.
It makes me want to fashion my hair into a bow and dance around my living room like a crazy person.
It makes me want to wear a one shoulder black latex jumpsuit to work.
It makes me want to find my best pair of granny panties, pair them with high heels, and rock a night out on the town.
My friends, I have lost my mind, and it has a soundtrack.
Now, I know what you are thinking. You look to me as a discerning woman of musical taste. You know that I find pop repellent, injurious to true creativity and an insult to the intelligence of humanity. You know that I strive to seek out creative musicians and albums produced by people who love the art and are trying to express more than their famewhoring needs to gyrate to synth pop. But, oh, Gob. Do I love this song.
Muh Muh Muh Muh Mah Poker Face
Muh Muh Muh Muhhhhhhh
And I really kind of dig the singer too....
She's not traditionally pretty but there is a charisma about her that is stunning. She studied all the "real" musical artists at music school and her name is a derivative of a Bowie reference. Singer aside the song has invaded my soul and is pumping through my bloodstream.
I plan to spend the evening fashioning all of my bedsheets into this rocking leotard/hood combo:
Bonus, I totally got a digital camera for Christmas so I'll be able to share my sewing endeavor with you! And hey, if you happen to have yards of spandex laying around please send it to me...I need it. For my poker face.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Awesome. I have back fat now.
I went for a walk yesterday. Re: Weight Loss that WILL happen, gobdamnit, I am tired of this being a focal point, so I can get the hell on with whatever the rest of my stupid life is supposed to be.
I had to do something I've never done before...I had to keep the top of my fat pants closed by double looping a hair tie around the button because I couldn't even get them zipped half way.
Yes, Yes. The humiliation.
I knew it was getting bad when I couldn't fit into any of my work pants for the last several weeks. I've been getting away with wearing jeans that have stretch in them since before any holidays and though my job can be warehouse work associated I don't think it is super professional to take advantage of that and wear jeans every day. Even the one pair of work pants that are usually my go to "oh girl why'd you eat 4 churros and the supreme nachos today" pants they too won't quite zip up anymore.
So.
Yeah.
Walk time. The walk was lovely and brisk and cold and rejuvenating and hurt the ever living hell out of my neck. I can hardly move today. I didn't wash my hair today because arms over shoulders was a painful proposition. I see a chiropractor once a week, am in strength rehab three times a week, have a doc note excusing me from lifting so much as four pieces of paper at once AND I'm still taking muscle relaxers daily to help with the spasming. It has been over nine months now and while I know the prognosis was at least six months to a year I was hoping for more like the six month option.
In the meantime I have no idea how to lost weight without substantial movement. In October, for my tropical boyfriend funded getaway, I had lost the weight primarily through calorie restriction and excruciating visits with the elliptical machine. I think I gained 5 pounds back just eating the pretzel bag on the plane as my body was so confused about carbs. Whereas that was nice I want to see actual, honest, long term lifetime weight loss that I maintain without woe. And without home liposuction machines.
How is 2009 weighing up for you?
I had to do something I've never done before...I had to keep the top of my fat pants closed by double looping a hair tie around the button because I couldn't even get them zipped half way.
Yes, Yes. The humiliation.
I knew it was getting bad when I couldn't fit into any of my work pants for the last several weeks. I've been getting away with wearing jeans that have stretch in them since before any holidays and though my job can be warehouse work associated I don't think it is super professional to take advantage of that and wear jeans every day. Even the one pair of work pants that are usually my go to "oh girl why'd you eat 4 churros and the supreme nachos today" pants they too won't quite zip up anymore.
So.
Yeah.
Walk time. The walk was lovely and brisk and cold and rejuvenating and hurt the ever living hell out of my neck. I can hardly move today. I didn't wash my hair today because arms over shoulders was a painful proposition. I see a chiropractor once a week, am in strength rehab three times a week, have a doc note excusing me from lifting so much as four pieces of paper at once AND I'm still taking muscle relaxers daily to help with the spasming. It has been over nine months now and while I know the prognosis was at least six months to a year I was hoping for more like the six month option.
In the meantime I have no idea how to lost weight without substantial movement. In October, for my tropical boyfriend funded getaway, I had lost the weight primarily through calorie restriction and excruciating visits with the elliptical machine. I think I gained 5 pounds back just eating the pretzel bag on the plane as my body was so confused about carbs. Whereas that was nice I want to see actual, honest, long term lifetime weight loss that I maintain without woe. And without home liposuction machines.
How is 2009 weighing up for you?
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Because Columbia can Suck It. And because sometimes, knowing someone out there believes in you, is the most powerful thing in the world.
For Sallyacious, my loooooooong over due tag:
7 things not known about me by whom, exactly? The world wide web or truly secret secrets that no one at all knows? Because I don’t know if I have that many. I shall try.
1. I still prefer to sleep with my baby blanket. If it is not available I sleep with a scarf or sweatshirt around my neck. I have to have something around my neck to sleep. Perhaps I was a vampire victim in a previous life? No idea, but it took years to wean off of the actual baby blanket and now it is practically paper thin. I fear one day it will simply disintegrate and honestly, that day, a little piece of me will die along with it.
2. I don’t paint my toenails. Ever. I like my toenails to be clean and short and shaped nice and I hate the look of polish on other people’s toes. I received a compliment once, years ago, that my toenails looked nice because they weren’t painted, and that has stuck with me ever since. Odd how sometimes one little compliment can influence your life so much, yes?
3. I don’t decorate my desks at work, or bring in personal items, so that if I ever have to storm out for any reason I don’t have to come back to collect my things.
4. I have never stormed out of a job. Though heaven knows I have had more than enough reason to. Still, I’m a white collar schmuck with a useless degree(s) so I guess I’m lucky with whatever I get and shouldn’t ever complain. The economy is such that I should be happy with what I’ve got and shut up already (so much easier typed than done).
5. Relationships, or the prospect thereof, frighten me and make me sad. I feel that our current state of society makes it nearly impossible for people to connect in long term meaningful ways, that it demeans monogamy, and in turn negates all the wonderful things that can come from a strong lifetime relationship. I think that things like internet pornography are truly damaging and hurtful to both men and women but I find that I am in the minority when I try to speak out so instead I fear I will spend my life alone because there are no men left who A) want commitment B) don’t consider internet smut to be damaging and C) find beauty in age. I will not be left in my 40s for someone met in a chat room much less a 22 year old found in a coffee house but I don’t know how to prevent it or even find someone in accordance and that, among other things, is what breaks my heart a little each day. And don’t go commenting if you think that porn is harmless blah blah I know your point: I’ve heard it a million times. That doesn’t change the real first hand damage I see it do to people and relationships, so comment elsewhere.
6. I want kids only because I can’t see a future, if I am lucky enough to make it, when I am elderly without them. But that is all. I don’t see having them or raising them or affording them, and I’m infertile, so I had to give up on the idea of carrying them ages ago. Hence, I don’t actually want kids. At all. Is it possible to adopt adult children when I am elderly?
7. If I were 20 pounds thinner right now I think I would be happier. Read: I think I would be, but in reality, I probably wouldn’t be. Happiness is a state of mind that has more to do with what you choose to feel rather than outside influences. Therefore I choose to be happy as I am now, regardless of weight, and I’m not going to beat myself up. I only have the choice in this moment, at this time, and unless I’m going to jump up from my desk chair and run across the united states, eating blades of grass and drinking rain water along the way, I’m not losing these 20 lbs anytime soon, so I’m happy where I am. Though damn, it would be wicked awesome to just take off like that, wouldn’t it? I’m not sure how my car payments would get made though…
Addendum to 7: I wrote the above a couple weeks ago and I’m in a pissy, super bad mood today. My ten year reunion is coming up (f that) and though I don’t want to go (it is 7 months away) (5 months now...SH!T) it has been a craptastic month and I’m freaking out about the fact that I’ve packed on 30lbs since high school that I can’t seem to lose and I’m stuck in a stupid city in a crappy job and… and…and, well, you get the picture. Hence, I am not, at this precise moment in time, super happy with being 20lbs overweight, and if someone walked up to me right now with a handful of amphetamines I would strongly consider taking them do get skinny. NOW.
But.
This doesn’t negate #7; it just goes to show you that I am like Tinkerbell, and apparently can only feel one emotion at a time. Right now that emotion is hateful crazy unhappy self and world loathing. I am working on making the next moment better.
Addendum Addendum (added in 2009)
Now we’re looking at 30 pounds. Good gob. Somebody slap this whopper out of my hand and tie me to a treadmill.
7 things not known about me by whom, exactly? The world wide web or truly secret secrets that no one at all knows? Because I don’t know if I have that many. I shall try.
1. I still prefer to sleep with my baby blanket. If it is not available I sleep with a scarf or sweatshirt around my neck. I have to have something around my neck to sleep. Perhaps I was a vampire victim in a previous life? No idea, but it took years to wean off of the actual baby blanket and now it is practically paper thin. I fear one day it will simply disintegrate and honestly, that day, a little piece of me will die along with it.
2. I don’t paint my toenails. Ever. I like my toenails to be clean and short and shaped nice and I hate the look of polish on other people’s toes. I received a compliment once, years ago, that my toenails looked nice because they weren’t painted, and that has stuck with me ever since. Odd how sometimes one little compliment can influence your life so much, yes?
3. I don’t decorate my desks at work, or bring in personal items, so that if I ever have to storm out for any reason I don’t have to come back to collect my things.
4. I have never stormed out of a job. Though heaven knows I have had more than enough reason to. Still, I’m a white collar schmuck with a useless degree(s) so I guess I’m lucky with whatever I get and shouldn’t ever complain. The economy is such that I should be happy with what I’ve got and shut up already (so much easier typed than done).
5. Relationships, or the prospect thereof, frighten me and make me sad. I feel that our current state of society makes it nearly impossible for people to connect in long term meaningful ways, that it demeans monogamy, and in turn negates all the wonderful things that can come from a strong lifetime relationship. I think that things like internet pornography are truly damaging and hurtful to both men and women but I find that I am in the minority when I try to speak out so instead I fear I will spend my life alone because there are no men left who A) want commitment B) don’t consider internet smut to be damaging and C) find beauty in age. I will not be left in my 40s for someone met in a chat room much less a 22 year old found in a coffee house but I don’t know how to prevent it or even find someone in accordance and that, among other things, is what breaks my heart a little each day. And don’t go commenting if you think that porn is harmless blah blah I know your point: I’ve heard it a million times. That doesn’t change the real first hand damage I see it do to people and relationships, so comment elsewhere.
6. I want kids only because I can’t see a future, if I am lucky enough to make it, when I am elderly without them. But that is all. I don’t see having them or raising them or affording them, and I’m infertile, so I had to give up on the idea of carrying them ages ago. Hence, I don’t actually want kids. At all. Is it possible to adopt adult children when I am elderly?
7. If I were 20 pounds thinner right now I think I would be happier. Read: I think I would be, but in reality, I probably wouldn’t be. Happiness is a state of mind that has more to do with what you choose to feel rather than outside influences. Therefore I choose to be happy as I am now, regardless of weight, and I’m not going to beat myself up. I only have the choice in this moment, at this time, and unless I’m going to jump up from my desk chair and run across the united states, eating blades of grass and drinking rain water along the way, I’m not losing these 20 lbs anytime soon, so I’m happy where I am. Though damn, it would be wicked awesome to just take off like that, wouldn’t it? I’m not sure how my car payments would get made though…
Addendum to 7: I wrote the above a couple weeks ago and I’m in a pissy, super bad mood today. My ten year reunion is coming up (f that) and though I don’t want to go (it is 7 months away) (5 months now...SH!T) it has been a craptastic month and I’m freaking out about the fact that I’ve packed on 30lbs since high school that I can’t seem to lose and I’m stuck in a stupid city in a crappy job and… and…and, well, you get the picture. Hence, I am not, at this precise moment in time, super happy with being 20lbs overweight, and if someone walked up to me right now with a handful of amphetamines I would strongly consider taking them do get skinny. NOW.
But.
This doesn’t negate #7; it just goes to show you that I am like Tinkerbell, and apparently can only feel one emotion at a time. Right now that emotion is hateful crazy unhappy self and world loathing. I am working on making the next moment better.
Addendum Addendum (added in 2009)
Now we’re looking at 30 pounds. Good gob. Somebody slap this whopper out of my hand and tie me to a treadmill.
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